Girls Just Want to Have Fun

There was a girl fight tonight at the bar. It started inside and Andrew escorted one out, then someone else got another out. Later a second girl fight broke out outside. There were about 4 or 5 involved. We started pulling them apart. At the core was a pair of girls seriously entangled. It took three of us to get them apart.

Girl fights are different from guy fights. Basically they each just grab a couple hands full of hair and start pulling. It's impossible to get them apart. Scientifically speaking, the bond between two girls fighting is stronger than that of velcro, Crazy Glue, the gravitational pull between the earth and the moon, and a cat on a screen door.

If you ever need to tow something and don't have rope just put a girl on your car and another on whatever you're towing (boat, wagon, another car or truck, a couple of sea-doos, a stump, whatever it doesn't matter) Tell one of them the other said she was fat, or stupid, or a whore. Pick whatever she's sensitive about, it doesn't matter, but the more true it is the better results you'll get. There's no sense in telling a skinny whore she's fat, cause she knows she's not fat, she's a whore. If you don't know...go with whore. Chances are, if they're fighting, one of them's a whore. That's just science.

Once their hands are firmly buried in each others 'do you can pretty much pull them anywhere. You're more likely to break an axel than have two feral bar stars dislodge from one another. Realistically, you're more likely to tear one of them in half before you get them apart. You need to be careful of that. That's a mess you don't want to clean up.  That's why I usually try to use the smaller bar stars. Go for something in the waif, or twig strain. They're just as strong but easier to install and way easier to clean up if you break one.

Now, no matter what happens, one will cry. She will be the one with the messiest hair. There will be running make-up and possibly mucus. Don't touch either.

She'll want to touch her face and hair, but she's afraid to because she knows it's messy up there. Faced with a horrible dilemma her arms will freeze like a deer in clown makeup. In headlights.  She will turn around in circles with her arms up like she's carrying invisible logs to an invisible fire that's evading her somehow. She's looking for her friends.

Don't worry about that. Get out of the way before she notices you and decides you might be some sort of emotional support. She'll eventually stop spinning and get into a cab with an idiot. It's a fact.

The other one, the non-cryer, will be standing around nearby calling the cryer a whore. Remember, it doesn't matter if she's a whore or not. Don't worry about that. Eventually the non cryer will get into a cab with an idiot. That's just physics. And biology.


On that note, St. Paddy's day party tomorrow! Let's see what happens.