Stripperella

If you’ve never seen those “People of Walmart” websites, you should check them out. Its an amazing view into a different world in our own society.

I started a new bartending gig and the dresscode is black pants. I decided I didn’t want to spend a bunch of money on new pants, thereby offsetting the money I’d be making at the bar. So, I decided to hit up Walmart. Now, normally, I don’t go to Walmart. I hate that place. For a number of reasons. But it was the one place in Airdrie where knew I could not only get black jeans, but get them for $15.

Off I went and I found the jean section quick enough. There was a guy there already looking at a giant haystack of demin flopped this way and that. He was yelling at his wife/girlfriend/cousin in another section because he didn’t know what size he was. By yelling I don’t mean “hey honey, you still think I’ll fit into a 44 waist or do you think I’m a 48 now?” By yelling I mean “HEY! Where’d you go!? WHAT SIZE AM I?” To which she replied, “How the fuck should I know?!” He thought about this and then hollered “WELL!?” She hollered back his measurements. Why she couldn’t just tell him the first time is beyond me. Maybe she was truly curious how the fuck she knows these things. Maybe she just wanted him to work for it.

By now I had found what I needed and was looking to make an escape. I turned to leave, and buddy, who is between me and the door, suddenly drops trow in the middle of the store and starts trying on jeans.  He was wearing maroon briefs that were mostly hidden by a low slung beer gut that was now hanging freely under his shirt like a giant hairy pasty white fat sack decorated with a navel.

With no shame or modesty my new colleague placed one arm on the denim mountain for balance while  simultaneously bending and squatting in an attempt to pull the sad jeans up his spindly legs. Like a moron I stood watching. He noticed me and said “I’ll just be a minute”

“I’ll go around” I said.

As I was leaving I heard him yell to his wife/girlfriend/cousin “THEY DON’T FIT!”

“Try another pair” she yelled back.

The lady at the cash register, sporting a smashing blue smock tried to get me to get a Walmart Master Card. I said no thanks. She sneered “Oh, I guess you don’t like free money then?”
“No” I said “I just don’t think I’ll ever be back”