Detroit Rock City

There’s a woman who comes into the bar we call “Detroit”. One night, while throwing her out for causing a disturbance, she told us that if we were in Detroit she’d have us killed already. I guess she’s a big deal in Detroit.

A few weeks ago she came in and apologized for her bad behavior. We let her in on the condition that she behave. She spent the next few hours getting blasted, annoying the customers and hitting on the doormen. Being a sloppy drunk isn't all that attractive, even in our rough little town. But Detroit doesn't take no for an answer and eventually we had to remove her before she started getting all physical on the guys who just weren't interested.

  

We didn’t see her for a while after that, until Friday night she wandered across our parking lot, big smile on her face. She started apologizing before she was really within ear shot. We made fun of her for a bit, but then told her, seriously, that if she caused any trouble, that was it, she wasn’t welcome back any more. She promised to be good.

“We’re gonna have to throw her out aren't we?” I joked.

“Oh hell yeah.”

She wandered in and out all night, smoking, rubbing her giant boobs against us and clumsily flirting with us or anything else with a Y chromosome.  When she didn’t get any takers she’d go back in only to return ten minutes later and try again. After about a half hour she’d gotten enough wine into her that she felt comfortable enough to let us know she wasn’t wearing any underwear. She also decided that one of us was going to drive her home ‘if’ she got too drunk to drive. (Not ‘it’!)

She finally sat beside some guy and struck up a conversation. They shared a couple drinks and finally, after a solid half hour of getting to know one another,  left together. Sweet, he’s taking one for the team and we don’t have to drag her drunk ass out again. Happy ending for everyone! Or so I thought.

An hour later the sun was starting to go down when I looked up and saw Detroit staggering down the driveway.  “That was quick!” I teased cheerfully.

“I don’t wanna talk about it” she replied rolling her heavily painted eyes. She gave one of the boys a hug and slithered back in.

With a glass of white in her hand she sat uninvited with a group of young hicks. After a spell she got up with a few of them and started dancing. As I passed the dancefloor later she yelled at me “James!” (That’s not my name, that’s my coworkers fake bar name, she thought I was him) 

“I’m only dancing with this kid ‘cause he’s handicapped and I need to teach him how” she slurred at me. He wasn’t handicapped.

“As long as that’s all you teach him” I said flatly. 

I looked at this poor kid who was being dragged around the dance floor by this aggressive drunk. It pissed me off that she was acting like he was somehow an embarrassment to her.  

I went up to the guys and said “We’re gonna need to throw her out before something happens” 

As we were talking about that (and not doing it like we should have),  I saw some commotion on the dance floor out of the corner of my eye.  All of a sudden Detroit and a tall farm girl went ass over teakettle on the dance floor. We rushed over and started breaking it up. Heels and claws and hair were whirling in every direction. James grabbed Detroit while I held back the farm girl with the help of her boyfriend. They told me exactly what I expected to hear, that she wouldn’t leave one of their guys alone, and when his girlfriend finally told her to get lost she started pushing. I got them to chill and went back out.

Detroit was pacing and smoking hard. “I’m going to kill that bitch. I better not see her again, I’ll kill her, Detroit style!” She really actually said “Detroit style”

We told her she had to leave. She just kept pacing.

That’s when a cop car rolled up. I recognized the guy behind the wheel and walked over to his car. I told him we had an incident and we couldn’t get the instigator to leave. Maybe the threat of a night in the drunk tank would do it?

He said sure, and as he was throwing it in Park the farm girl and her friend came out of the bar. Detroit saw her chance at redemption and rushed at the farm girl,  who just simply threw the cleanest right hook I’d ever seen thrown in a bar fight. Square in the teeth.  I wish Joe Rogan had been there to scream “Right on the button!!” By the time I ran over the door guys had gather them off the ground. One of our servers grabbed Detroit by the throat and pinned her against the wall. Detroit easily had 50, 60 lbs on this girl but our girl just manhandled her. “I got this”

The cop walked straight over to Detroit and got her ID. She didn’t think that was fair since she was the victim. Blood ran down over her front teeth.  She wanted to press charges. The cop told her that from what he saw, she would be the only one getting charged if she didn’t leave. So she blew smoke in his face. As he was reaching for his cuffs one of our servers convinced her she should probably get a cab before it was too late. With a little bit of prodding the got her in a van and on her way.

The cop just laughed about the whole thing and joked around with us for a couple minutes. We thanked him and he left. 

I found the farm girl and told her that she couldn’t punch anyone any more, but damn, that was a nice right! She laughed and thanked me.  She and her crew spent the rest of the night having fun. I'm sure Detroit spent the rest of her night wondering if she was going to get a visit from the tooth fairy.

I wonder what a couple of front teeth are worth these days.