Oh God!

I volunteered to work security at a concert at the East Coast Music Awards a few years ago. We were promised beer after the show but by the time I got there the pony keg they had brought was already tapped out.  Since I was there and I liked one of the bands that was playing I figured I’d stay.

I was paired up with a mountain of a man named Mike. At about 6foot 8 it looked like they used his hands as a model for those #1 fan Fingers people wear at ball games. He was good natured and we got along really well.  Mike was particularly unhappy that the free beer was gone though.

The venue was an abandoned church, with the old pews were still there. The fire marshal said that we had to keep the aisles on the sides clear, but people could dance in the middle if they wanted. It was east coast music after all, people were bound to bounce up and down a bit.

The night went off pretty well, everyone having a good time. We had to ask people from time to time to stay out of the side walkway and most people were pretty good. The drinks were flowing the bands were pumping and as predicted. We had to remind people more and more often.

At some point I asked some kid to settle down, he was jumping up and down and spilling beer all over those around him, and me. It turns out he was one of these, clever Chess Club, Debate Team university types who always figures he can outsmart his way out of being a douchebag.

“Are you being paid or are you a volunteer?” he demanded

“Doesn’t matter, you need to settle down dude, you’re bumping people and spilling all over” I replied

“Are you being paid or are you a volunteer?” he insisted

“Hey man, all you need to know is that if you don’t settle down we’re going to ask you to leave, now go have a good time” I said.

“Yeah?” he mocked “Well all you need to know is that if you’re not an employee of this place you don’t have any rights to tell me what to do” he stepped back and started bouncing up and down, staring at me, very pleased with himself. He may have had a touch of affluenza.

I walked over and put my hand on his shoulder, “Dude, you need to settle down”
He threw his arm up, batting at my hand and screamed “Don’t fucking touch me man!”  The beer he was holding flew everywhere half of it spraying a crowd to my right, the other half on me. Then he shoved me. Suddenly, Big mike comes out of nowhere, puts his arm around Chess Club’s neck and lifts him a full foot off the ground, and starts dragging him to the door. I ran ahead of him clearing a path. Chess Club was kicking me in the back half the time so I turned and grabbed his feet.

The three of us exploded out the front door of the church, smokers scattering to get out of the way. Mike tripped going down the steps and the three of us fell down on the sidewalk.  There were two city cops nearby. They sauntered over as we all got up and dusted ourselves off. Chess Club was losing his shit screaming about suing me and Mike. One cop pulled him aside and asked what was going on. The other stood beside us, thumbs looped through his duty belt. 

Chess Club then began his list of demands “I want to know if these guys are volunteers or employees. They have no fucking right to touch me if they’re volunteers…I want their NAMES, I want their SOCIAL INSURITY numbers (yes, that’s what he said, social insurity) and I want….”

“Alright alright alright” the cop said, hands up, half laughing. Turning to me he asked “What happened”

“He was jumping around bumping into people, spilling beer all over so I asked him to stop, so he threw a beer at me”

The cop looked at my half soaked security shirt, then at Mike who was nodding like a bobble head on rough road. Chess Club lost it, he literally jumped up around in a circle in a full on adult tantrum. “That’s bull shit, they have no fucking right, I didn't throw any fucking beer...they have no right to touch me!” he screamed.

The cop looked at him and said “yeah, you’re probably right, let’s take a drive and talk about your rights” as he turned the kid around and cuffed him.

“What?! What the fuck!?” screamed Chess Club as he was walked over to a cruiser on the curb.

I looked at Mike, then the 2^nd cop. “Holy shit man, we didn’t want him to get arrested, we just wanted him to leave”

The cop kinda shrugged “We’ll probably just take him home. Or maybe he can cool it in the drunk tank. We’ll see how the drive goes. Call us if you need anything!” he chirped as he walked away.

Mike and I went back inside to our posts, and the organizer came running over asking if we were ok. Yup, all good thanks. Then a lady and her husband, who both looked kind of damp, came over to Mike and me and said “Hey, thanks for throw that kid out”
“No problem”
“Yeah what a dick” she said.” Can I buy you guys a beer?”
“Sure” I said, then threw a thumb over my shoulder at Mike “He might need two”
She smiled and said alright and wandered to the bar, bringing us back three plastic cups full of suds.

Things tend to work out.