The Drunkest Leprechan

There’s this guy. He comes in every couple weeks. Middle aged, grey, goatee, built like a potato. Polite, friendly, and can walk in a straight line. 

Then he has a few drinks. 

Suddenly, he can’t speak, can’t walk, and feels an overwhelming desire to touch, high five and hug everyone. Especially young girls.  That’s when we usually throw him out. When he gets creepy. 

On St. Paddy’s day one of the guys walked him out. We had all seen it coming. He just got to that point. I didn’t even ask why they were tossing him, I just looked at him and said “All done huh?”

He said he guessed so, then stuck out his tongue and blew a raspberry.

“Lets get you a cab” I said, and walked over to the taxi stand with him. I opened the first cab door and he started to climb in. He turned and stuck his hand out. I reached out to shake it when he pulled me in for one of those “bro hugs” you see guys do now. You know, half hand shake, half hug-type things. Ok. No problem, except he wouldn’t let go. He wasn’t being a dick, he was just that drunk. Finally I squirmed away when  the cabby looked at me and said “NO! He’s too drunk!”

Are you serious? You’re parked in front of a bar on St. Paddy’s day and you’re not taking people who are too drunk?  Fine, I grabbed my new friend and put him in another cab.  I got another bro hug, but managed to shake that off a little quicker this time and walked away.

About 5 minutes later I saw a cab pull up. The driver got out, slammed his door and marched around to the passenger side. He threw the door open and pulled out my drunk creepy friend. He jumped back in his van and took off. I couldn’t help but laugh.

So Drunk-and-Creepy staggered over and tried to get back into the bar. We said no and directed him to the taxis again. Over the course of the next hour he got into about 5 different cabs, either being thrown out immediately, or being returned within minutes. He spent the rest of the night hanging out in front of the bar hugging anyone and everyone who would acknowledge his existence, blowing raspberries for no apparent reason, and randomly trying to get back into the bar. Finally, around 2 he found a cabby that would take him home and left for the night.

I saw him the next weekend. One of our guys had gone up to him and told him they wanted him to pace himself so he didn't get hurt. He said "Thanks man, it means a lot that you guys care. Cause you don't have to care!" With that he proceeded to get leprechaun drunk again, then weaved his way out into the night. Happys St. Paddy's day, any day of the year!