Orange is the New Drunk

Some guy came out of the bar one night and told my co worker he was an ex-corrections officer and could get him a better job than being a bouncer. My buddy, who happens to have kind of a cool day job (that doesn’t involve checking anybody’s ass for contraband) said “thanks, I do ok for myself”

Our ex-corrections officer once again told my buddy that he could do much better than a shitty bouncing job.  My buddy once again said thanks but no thanks.

I came outside at the end of their conversation and could see my co-worker was kind of annoyed.Our new friend the Warden was now speaking to one of our regulars. My coworker told me about the conversation and I just shook my head.  As we spoke our regular came by and said “Hey that dude just tried to sell me drugs”

"Ok, thanks" I said, and our regular went back in.

Eventually the Warden came back and started to walk inside. “Hey buddy, I think you’ve had enough to drink, how ‘bout we call it a night” I said.

“I haven’t done anything wrong” he replied.

“Nope, you haven’t, but you have had a lot to drink and I’m going to cut you off now because you’re showing signs of being too intoxicated.” I was a polite as can be, and it was also true. He was quite drunk. Not so drunk that I might have normally stopped him, but drunk enough I could justify it. Plus, he was kind of an asshole.

“Oh, ok,” he said, “Well, I’ll just go tell my wife”. He reached for the door handle and pulled trying to get past me. I just leaned against the door with my arm.

“You’re not coming back in. I’ll go grab your wife, what’s she look like?”

He couldn’t describe her, and he didn’t know what she looked like, or what she was wearing but was sure he could find her if I just let him in. Oh, and by the way, he hadn’t done anything wrong. I told him to point her out through the window.  He stuck a finger in the air and moved it as though he was desperately trying find Waldo, counting off each red and white thing as he went. Finally he pointed out some dude in a white hat who knew his wife. “No sweat, I’ll let him know you’re leaving”. I said.

I went inside and approached the guy in the hat. No problem, except he didn’t speak any English. Great. So in my best broken French I said what probably sounded like:

“You friend, too drink, had to rest outdoors, he had a wish for me to say wife”  

He looked confused, I just shrugged, but he got the gist and gathered all the wives and girlfriends and headed out.

The Warden by now had wandered to the side of the building about 20 yards away. When his buddies came out he suddenly came to life. “Hey, by the way” he spat “you guys are fucking cunts!” (cunt is the new word people use to let us know how brave and shocking they are) “Who wants to step up!?”

“Ok,thanks  have a good night” my co worker said with a little wave. I just chuckled.

“Yeah, that’s the only answer you have!” the Warden retorted. “Why don’t you grow you beards out a little more and grow your balls out.”

My co worker and I just looked at each other. I couple other customers who were hanging out smoking started to laugh to themselves.

Again, from 20 yards off our new friend offered to fight us, then proceeded to kick rocks. Then he told us he was an ex-cop (he must have gotten a promotion when his friends came out) and told us we were stupid fucks who didn’t know how to do our jobs.

I thanked him for his feedback which only further enraged him, and told him to go home. Fortunately his wife was there to hold him back from the severe beating he had in store for us. If he could only get by her 110lb frame he would have brought a world of hurt to the 520lbs of sober bouncer standing at the door. But she kept us safe. Thank heavens.

Eventually his party got him into their vehicle where he promptly fell asleep. One of them drove him home while the rest of his crew went back to party. Later the French guy asked me what happened and I told him. He looked skeptical and asked, “you were polite, like that? Like you’re talking to me?” I said of course, no need to be rude (Which probably sounded like “I can be sure, this is not a need for bad smells”) He just laughed and in English said “He’s just a fucking asshole anyway! Have a good night!” and ran back in to enjoy the rest of his evening. The rest of the night went off without a hitch. See, I’m a great bouncer in every language!