The Little Rascals

I can’t tell you how many times some guy has threatened to kick my ass while back pedalling away from me. Or while getting into a cab. Or from the comfort of their facebook wall. Usually when faced with the actual prospect of kicking someone’s ass (and possibly eating a few fists in the process) they wilt. It’s not our job to actually kick asses. We manage the door, head off trouble, and remove people who can’t seem to act like civilised adults. Sometimes we have to subdue assholes who can’t seem to let a night go without getting all punchy.

We had one bouncer working for us a while back who never, not once that I can remember, put his hands on anyone. Let’s call him Flexo. He was a body builder, not a tall guy but with mirror muscle. Nice guy, but completely useless as a bouncer. On two occasions that I recall, fights had broken out within 10 feet of him that he didn’t even notice. Too busy chatting with the nearest blonde. Or texting. Once I was running to stop a fight I saw from the back of the room and had to shove him on my way by for him to realize something was happening. Then he hovered over us while the rest of the team wrestled everyone down. He just didn’t want to get his hands dirty. Afraid to tear a bicep, maybe. Who knows. We’ll come back to Flexo.

The night wore on, and we threw out a girl for being too drunk and falling into a waitress and dumping her entire tray on the floor. She stood outside in the cold for about 2 hours crying. One of the guys noticed she was starting to look like Alice Cooper.  I tried to get her into a cab but she just wanted to stay outside getting frostbite. She changed from her heels into a pair of flip flops then back into her heels about 4 times, usually falling halfway through the exchange. She came to me and apologized for calling me an asshole (she hadn’t called me an asshole, or at least not that I heard) and tried to come back in a few times. Eventually she left.

At around 15 mins to closing a little hoodie gangster wanna-be, who had been in and out all night, came in with two girls. One of them I’d carded but the other was new. So I asked for ID and she didn’t have it. Little Hoodie Dude (who’s 3 apples tall and 120lbs if he’s an ounce) steps in front of me, pats his chest and says “She’s with me”

I looked at him a little confused at how that could matter and said “Sorry man, she needs her ID or she can’t come in.”

She looked at me and said yeah, she gets it, she’s just the designated driver, it’s ok she can wait outside, blah blah blah.

Little Hoodie Dude interrupts again and says “Yo, she’s with me” patting himself in the chest again.
So I leaned over and said “Dude, she could be with Jesus Christ himself, unless she’s got ID she can’t come in.”

He looks at me and says “Yo, I’m just trying to help you out”

By now he’d gotten my curiosity, and was beginning to irritate me at the same time. “Help me out with what?”

“Yo, it’s a negotiation you know” he informed me.
“Hmmm, no. It’s not. No one comes in without ID.” I repeated.
“Yeah yeah, its 50/50 you know, I’m just trying to help you out.” He said.
Yeah ok buddy. I can’t remember what happened next but he went away. I let the DD hang out just inside the door because it was freezing out and she definitely looked older than 17. Eventually she and her friend left without Little Hoodie, who was off somewhere being a space cadet.

At about 2:20 almost everyone was outside. I was letting stragglers out and keeping the departed from returning. Two of the door guys had gone out for a smoke. Suddenly a shoving match started and our two guys had to give up their smokes to break it up. I ran out and the guys from inside were right behind me. Here’s the weird little hoodie dude mixing it up with Flexo, of all people. One guy gets Flexo pushed back and another pulls weird Little Hoodie Guy back from what would have been a bad ending to his night. Then, Hoodie starts puffing his chest out and glaring at our door guy like he’s going to kick his ass or something.  Our guy let him know that, although he had the option to try, it would end badly for him.

Meanwhile, Flexo is screaming that he’s going to kick Hoodie’s ass, all the while allowing himself to be held back by our smallest team member. I couldn’t believe it. Here’s a guy who never even asked someone to leave the whole time he worked with us, and now he’s decided his debut fight is going to be a title match with a guy 50 lbs lighter and 6 inches shorter. And the whole thing started because Hoodie tripped and fell into Flexo (or one of his friends).

Nice to know that I’m now working with a group of guys that have my back in a scuffle. No matter how small the guy is.