Monday, April 27, 2015

The Lady Killers

Its my party, I'll cry if I want to...
I was late getting to work Saturday because I scored tickets to see the Flames wipe out the 'Nucks. Best night at the Dome I can remember since '04. I arrived to find the bar a little busy, lots of new faces. Right away I noticed one of our regulars, standing on a stool, shouting at someone across the bar. Or shouting to no one, just sort of letting herself be heard. Turns out my spikey haired, bleach blonde bar-star was having a birthday. She came by and hugged me and told me it was her 44th. Super.

A bit later one of the boys told me that she'd flashed the bar. Fortunately modesty had prevented her from actually hefting her lady bits from her bra for the world to see. Did I say modesty?  Thanks to a 7 hour liquid diet it was more like the fine motor skills of a fumbling 15 year old boy in the back seat of a car on prom night preventing her jubblies from gracing our presence. But I digress.

Later in the evening she staggered by my station on the dance floor, looked me up and down and sneered, "You? As a bouncer? Pfft." She rolled her eyes dramatically and stumbled to the door. Outside she attempted to body check someone she knew, but missed, lost her balance and smashed her face into the rough concrete of our building, sliding face first down to the sidewalk. Someone helped her up, she wiped away a tear and trucked back into the bar for another savage assault on her liver.
Shortly after that she decided it was time to go home and headed to her car. Our manager and a couple of the boys sweet talked her into a cab that whisked her away into the night.

Georgia Peach
A foursome approached the door. The first girl was wearing a short peach dress. She walked up and confidently showed me her passport. Well...someone's passport, but certainly not her's.  I told her she couldn't come in. As they walked away I heard her say we were "stupid fucking bouncers" and they'd go to another bar. Fine by me. I texted the other bar to let them know an under-aged girl in a peach dress was coming by with someone else's passport. They thanked me for the heads up and assured me she wouldn't be drinking there either. If she had just been nicer to me she might have gotten in and had a fun night.

Fightin' Irish
Some dude was jumping up and down and fell over. I asked if he was ok and he went on a rant that he was jumping up and down because some guy was talking to him. "I see" I said. "Ok, I'll tell the guy to stop talking to you if you promise to stop jumping up and down" He agreed to that.

A short time later, there was a blond girl in a leather skirt and red top on the dance floor. She was dancing and fell down. Then she fell down again. I looked at her friends and said, "Is there someone who can take her home?" They pointed to the guy who fell down from jumping up and down; her husband. Great. So I grabbed him and said "Dude, you need to take her home, she's way too drunk." 

"It's ok she's Irish," he replied. 
"No, not ok she's gotta go." I countered. 
Husband-guy accepted that, on the condition that I tell her that her leaving is my idea. "Sure," I said. We went over and he told her it's time to go, then looks at me. "Yeah, I'm sorry miss, you're gonna have to call it a night," I said, "You're just really drunk and I don't want you to hurt yourself."

She wasn't having it. She looked at her husband and tore a strip off him for always ruining her fun. Again I said, it wasn't him, it was my decision that she leave. As I'm explaining this, the husband just walks away and leaves me to throw out his wife while he looked for another beer. Thanks, dick.

So I helped her to her table, helped her find her boots, and her purse, and her jacket. She started to cry. I told her it was ok. Then she told me she'd kill me with one of her boots. I said ok, she could do that if she wanted. After 10 minutes I got her safely outside and asked if I could get her a cab. She looked at me and screamed "I'm FUCKING IRISH!!"

So I've heard. The husband was nowhere to be found so I went back in and let the boys handle the logistics of getting her home. I saw her and her husband arguing in the parking lot about 10 minutes later. A toast to the happy couple!

Project Run Way
A middle aged woman sat with her friends and got wasted. She's the type who never really drinks anymore, so she has no idea how quickly she'll get drunk after 3 cosmos. She shuffled off to dance, and after a few songs shuffled back to her spot. Her friends decided it was time to leave, but Cosmo couldn't find her jacket. "I'm not leaving without my fucking jacket!" she announced. Before long half the bar is looking for her jacket. It was brand new, she wasn't fucking leaving without it. It was quickly found on a chair by the dance floor where she left it. She snatched it from her friend, slammed down her drink and proceeded to flip off the entire bar, for being treated so poorly I can only assume,  before shuffling out after her friends. 

Three's company
Ok, I wasn't here for this one, but my buddy at the door told me about it so I'll share. There's this knuckle head who comes in. He's a little wiry guy, who's entire life is a "Thug- Life" parody. Unless his hip hop career takes off. Then I'll be eating my words. But until the market for 'angry little white dude's from farming communites who rap about being hard and living large' takes off I think I'm safe. 

He wandered in the other night with 2 buddies and didn't have his ID. It'd been taken away for driving drunk. Good life choices, genius. We know who he is, so he was let in, and warned to behave. A couple of hours later a member of his posse went out to their truck with a girl he'd just met. Before long, the truck starts 'a rockin', leaving little suspicion as to what's happening. 

Shortly after that, our little drunk driver decided he needs to check on his buddy. He wandered over and hopped in the truck. After a minute or two the truck stared rockin' AGAIN. Eventually the rocking stopped and after short intermission, they all hopped out, went back to the bar and resumed drinking. And they say romance is dead! The third guy got thrown out for doing blow in the bathroom. 

So really, an all around good night for everyone.