Stuart Little

I started working at the door again. I missed the stories. The guys they hired since I left are great and its been fun working with them and trading stories with the new crew about things that happened over the years and comparing notes on the bar flies that are still coming in since I left.  My first couple of nights back were pretty uneventful. Some shoving that got broken up quickly, and a few guys getting too aggressive with some of the girls. We had a pervert get thrown out, who stood outside sticking his tongue out until someone found him a cab. Someone made a drunk girl cry, someone else tried to steal a 26. We tried to stop a drunk from driving away while not getting run over. You know, the usual.

For some reason I had a feeling this past weekend would be different. Maybe it was the weather, or the phase of the moon, or just the right amount of time after Christmas for the assholes to come back out and earn their namesakes.

Say No To Crackheads
As soon I got to work Friday I noticed this older couple saunter in and out of the club, heading out for smokes, each trip the walk becoming a little more precarious for them as they began to teeter from the booze. After a while they were arguing every time they came out. They were both small, mid 50’s. He looked like he’d been an accomplished head banger in his youth, she looked like an accomplished crack head. I kept an eye on them but wasn’t too concerned.

Later in evening one of our waitresses came out and asked me to watch the crack heads. They had a big tab going and were making her uneasy. Sure, no problem. I can do that.  The next time they came out I kept an eye on them. Same ‘ol thing.  I lost interest in them until, out of the corner of my eye I noticed it all got a little more animated. Crack Lady had suddenly shoved Banger Boy hard, and his arms pinwheeled.  He gained traction, leaned forward and spit in her face (classy, I know!)

I turned to grab one of the other guys to help break them up as they pushed and shoved their way into the parking lot. As we approached, the little tiny crack lady used her super-crack-strength™ to lift her banger boyfriend up and flip him over onto the ground. 

Out of nowhere a big RCMP officer pulled up, pried the entangled geriatric mess apart and arrested the aggressor. Our little head banger staggered off into the night.

I wandered over to tell the RCMP what I saw. I didn’t think, having been spat on, that her little judo throw was completely unwarranted. The whole time she was in the back seat screaming at the injustice of it all, oblivious that I’m actually pleading her case a little. The cop thanked me and I let him know they owed us 170 bucks. He said he’d figure it out.

Turns out the lady had no money on her, and banger dude was gone, but they were looking for him. The Couple of the Year had a friend there who offered to pay their tab. That was nice. He didn’t tip. That sucked.

Keep On Barking Little Doggie
On Saturday a group of kids walked up to the door and I asked them to make a line so I could card them. The smallest of the crew made it clear he didn’t appreciate being made to wait. His highness kept complaining, loudly, until he finally got inside, laughing like he got away with something. Later, when the kid was pretty drunk, I told my buddy on the inside that I was pretty close to kicking this kid out, so if he did anything at all they should just remove him. My buddy laughed and said that he was going to pick this little dude up like a dog and just carry him out.

Sure enough, 10 mins later mighty mouse was harassing some chick in the bar. When the bouncers told him to stop he argued with them, so my buddy picked him up sideways, like you would a small dog on your hip, and started to walk him out. The kid freaked out and squirmed away grabbing everything he could get his hands on to stop himself from being pulled out. Another guy grabbed him and the two of them wrestled him out. 

He stood in the bitter cold for almost 45 minute, nothing on but a sweatshirt, smoking, and laughing like he had just won some battle of wits no one else was playing. He bragged to his friends that he was going to go punch a cop in the face before finally running off into the night after a cab. (There was an officer sitting in a pickup outside the bar this entire time but our little friend for some reason didn’t end up raining his tiny little fists of fury upon him).

That was pretty much it for this week. Hopefully nothing too exciting happens next week, I'll let you know.