The fast and the furious 4

So the other night these 4 idiots came into the bar. 3 of them were full on meat head ‘roid ragers, the other, just a garden variety asshole.  They spent the night bragging about their net worth, picking people up off the ground and showing off their acute oppositional defiance disorder. While these guys were basking in the glory of their own existence just about everyone else in the bar were either laughing at them or waiting with baited breath for them to pay their tabs and leave. 

At one point, their leader, smack dab in the middle of his midlife crisis, grabbed some woman as she walked by. She looked at him and said. “What makes you think you can touch me?”
He sneered at her and said “I drive a Lamborghini baby”
She sneered back and said “I drive a Kia Soul, go fuck yourself”

She made my night.

Stuart Little

I started working at the door again. I missed the stories. The guys they hired since I left are great and its been fun working with them and trading stories with the new crew about things that happened over the years and comparing notes on the bar flies that are still coming in since I left.  My first couple of nights back were pretty uneventful. Some shoving that got broken up quickly, and a few guys getting too aggressive with some of the girls. We had a pervert get thrown out, who stood outside sticking his tongue out until someone found him a cab. Someone made a drunk girl cry, someone else tried to steal a 26. We tried to stop a drunk from driving away while not getting run over. You know, the usual.

For some reason I had a feeling this past weekend would be different. Maybe it was the weather, or the phase of the moon, or just the right amount of time after Christmas for the assholes to come back out and earn their namesakes.

Say No To Crackheads
As soon I got to work Friday I noticed this older couple saunter in and out of the club, heading out for smokes, each trip the walk becoming a little more precarious for them as they began to teeter from the booze. After a while they were arguing every time they came out. They were both small, mid 50’s. He looked like he’d been an accomplished head banger in his youth, she looked like an accomplished crack head. I kept an eye on them but wasn’t too concerned.

Later in evening one of our waitresses came out and asked me to watch the crack heads. They had a big tab going and were making her uneasy. Sure, no problem. I can do that.  The next time they came out I kept an eye on them. Same ‘ol thing.  I lost interest in them until, out of the corner of my eye I noticed it all got a little more animated. Crack Lady had suddenly shoved Banger Boy hard, and his arms pinwheeled.  He gained traction, leaned forward and spit in her face (classy, I know!)

I turned to grab one of the other guys to help break them up as they pushed and shoved their way into the parking lot. As we approached, the little tiny crack lady used her super-crack-strength™ to lift her banger boyfriend up and flip him over onto the ground. 

Out of nowhere a big RCMP officer pulled up, pried the entangled geriatric mess apart and arrested the aggressor. Our little head banger staggered off into the night.

I wandered over to tell the RCMP what I saw. I didn’t think, having been spat on, that her little judo throw was completely unwarranted. The whole time she was in the back seat screaming at the injustice of it all, oblivious that I’m actually pleading her case a little. The cop thanked me and I let him know they owed us 170 bucks. He said he’d figure it out.

Turns out the lady had no money on her, and banger dude was gone, but they were looking for him. The Couple of the Year had a friend there who offered to pay their tab. That was nice. He didn’t tip. That sucked.

Keep On Barking Little Doggie
On Saturday a group of kids walked up to the door and I asked them to make a line so I could card them. The smallest of the crew made it clear he didn’t appreciate being made to wait. His highness kept complaining, loudly, until he finally got inside, laughing like he got away with something. Later, when the kid was pretty drunk, I told my buddy on the inside that I was pretty close to kicking this kid out, so if he did anything at all they should just remove him. My buddy laughed and said that he was going to pick this little dude up like a dog and just carry him out.

Sure enough, 10 mins later mighty mouse was harassing some chick in the bar. When the bouncers told him to stop he argued with them, so my buddy picked him up sideways, like you would a small dog on your hip, and started to walk him out. The kid freaked out and squirmed away grabbing everything he could get his hands on to stop himself from being pulled out. Another guy grabbed him and the two of them wrestled him out. 

He stood in the bitter cold for almost 45 minute, nothing on but a sweatshirt, smoking, and laughing like he had just won some battle of wits no one else was playing. He bragged to his friends that he was going to go punch a cop in the face before finally running off into the night after a cab. (There was an officer sitting in a pickup outside the bar this entire time but our little friend for some reason didn’t end up raining his tiny little fists of fury upon him).

That was pretty much it for this week. Hopefully nothing too exciting happens next week, I'll let you know.

It’s not them, it’s you

It’s not them, it’s you

Last night I went to see Gord Downie play at the Wildhorse Saloon, a big ol’ tent that springs up every Stampede.  About 10 minutes in 2 very large men dressed as cowboys decided they didn’t like each other. Strangers and girlfriends jumped in to keep the two parties back as these mental midgets screamed at each other, fingers flying in both directions. Eventually Dumb Cowboy #1 guy got bored and allowed himself to be physically restrained by his 90lb girlfriend and left

The whole time this was happening, the bouncer in front of us was watching the band. Another bouncer was flirting with a cowgirl.  It wasn’t until after the whole thing had resolved itself and Dumb Cowboy #1 had left that Flirty McBouncer came flying from his perch, bulldogging his way through the crowd to take charge of the situation, unaware of what he was even running toward. The people left in his wake began picking themselves up and looking for their hats, wondering why some big dude in a yellow shirt just shoved them out of the way.

Then I heard someone behind me say, “Why do people turn into such assholes during Stampede?” referring to the two chest thumping wastes of skin.  But they’re not the problem; the rest of us are the problem. 

All night long we were surrounded by people that generally don’t binge drink for ten days straight. Normal folks with normal lives who are just out for Stampede to have a good time. People getting into the spirit of the thing, drinking to get annihilated, because, “hey, it’s Stampede!!”  As we watched the band people were constantly pushing through the crowd to get closer to the stage. Fratboys headbanging to the music, the brims of their cowboy hats rhythmically bobbing in and out of peoples faces. Little hipster dudes leaning over people to scream something at their buddies, O&G guys rocking out with a full solo cup held high over the crowd, spraying everyone in a 3 foot radius. Drunk guys flirting with other drunk guys girlfriends. Drunk girlfriends flirting right back.

Yeah, yeah, I know. It’s a concert, that’s what happens. I get that. Hell, I’ve been all of those guys in a single night. Stampede, however, seems to bring it up a notch though, and it’s a petri dish for the asshole culture.

Assholes don’t turn into assholes because they’ve had too many drinks. They’ re just assholes. It’s what they do. The booze just cuts back on the little bit of self restraint they have to not be assholes all the time. The rest of us acting like idiots? That’s the catalyst. It’s the little hipster dude who generally sits around ironically named dive bars drinking PBR, or whatever it is this week, who starts pushing his weight around because a belly full of Budweiser and a pair of  Wranglers gives him license to do so. It’s the soccer dad who’s happily staggering into people because the last time he drink this much was new years eve. 3 years ago. Its not long before the asshole, who might not even be looking for a fight, but can’t seem to avoid them, slides back two spaces on the evolutionary chart and does what he does best. Acts like an asshole.  

There's a few days of Stampede left, and it should be a good time, but there will be a few more fights, more arguments, more shoving. But the next time you think to yourself “Why is that guy such an asshole” take a look around and see who’s foot you might be standing on.

Les Miserables

So last night I got called over to the washroom, one of the bouncers is dealing with something. I figure probably two morons doing coke in a stall together. Or blowing each other. I went in and Hoss was standing there. Apparently two guys, somehow, depending on who's story is more credible, managed to break the divider between the urinals. "Fine, you're both leaving"

They argued as I was guiding them out,  but they were going so Hoss went back to his spot. Suddenly the first guy grabbed a beer from somewhere and the second guy bolted for the dance floor. Dave grabbed him and the two of us started to walk him out forcibly. On the way he grabbed a table, and pulled it over, knocking everything to the ground. Well, that was that, we bull rushed him out the door.

Outside, moron 1 still had a beer in his hand. I don't remember this but apparently Dave had his hand on the beer, but I, in a fit of pure genius, grabbed his hand off and pulled the guy away. The guy got all squirelly and started thrashing about. I went to grab him by the head but i missed and caught the string from his hoodie. So I just pulled. The front of his hoodie puckered shut in front of his face. It was pretty funny.

So now he's thrashing about some more so I pushed him over and got on top of him till he calmed down. I so very much wanted to choke him out, but good sense got the better of me.  Eventually he calmed and I pushed him towards a cab.

Then suddenly they started screaming. "Quebec, mother fucker! What the fuck!? Quebec! Yeah, you're so tough, 5 against 2! Quebec!"  I turned around and a couple other bouncers and a few patrons were behind me. Meanwhile the two idiots were screaming and making gang signs. Suddenly, one guy flips me off and screams "Child molester!!!!!!!!" at me. I burst out laughing. So he mooned us, buttoned up and kicked a dent into the back of a cab. Jaques and Pierre then stormed up the street yelling and screaming in their stupid sounding Quebec accents. We laughed and went back to work. I feel like poutine today.

Happy Cinqo De Mayo!

Holy shit. What a weird night. It started off slow. I told the boys I'd work inside tonight because it was so dead. I was standing in the back talking to James when suddenly I saw a guy tackle another guy. I  bolted over to the scene of the crime. When I tried to stop and break it things up my body ended up in the right place but my feet just kept going. Ass over tea kettle I went.

I got up and some guy came flying out of no where and punched one of the guys in back of the head. James grabbed him,  I pulled the second guy off and I don't even know where the guy on the bottom ended up.  The rest of the team was there in seconds.

I put my guy, wearing a green t shirt,  into guillotine choke and he just stopped moving, I loosened up a bit and he said he was done. Ok. I let him up slowly and he left like a genleman. A gentleman covered in spilled beer and highballs. Meanwhile other bouncers were leading other guys out. I walked my guy out and went back to see what was going on. The guy on the bottom in black said he was leaving but asked if he could get his stuff. I said fine. He got his stuff and left.

I went into the office to watch the video. Turns out the guy in black just flat out sucker punched the guy in green.  Meanwhile, the guy in black is out front is threatening the other bouncers. I went up front and he started to tell me that legally I could walk him back in to get his friends. I said yeah, and legally I can tell him he can't come in and do nothing. He informed me it was my loss. I'll try not to lose sleep. He stood around smoking and looking tough, then eventually left.

Later I saw one of our regulars dragging a guy in a lame paisley shirt out in a full nelson, being followed by another bouncer with another guy in red being dragged out.  I let them by. Just as the guy in paisley was released outside he took a swing at one of our guys a who was walking away. I got between them and shoved him. He went flying and smashed into our sandwich board, breaking it.  His bigger buddy in red came at me and I think might have punched me in the face, I don't really remember, but I've got a small cut inside my mouth. Someone grabbed him and pulled him off. I ended up tangled with Paisley, feeding him shots to the side of his head while another guy was trying to get us all down. Eventually we ended up in a pile with Paisley tearing my brand new Guinness hoodie as James held him down. He wouldn't let it go so I stepped on his face and pulled. He still wouldn't let it go so I let him have it. It's no good now anyway. He got up with a pretty nasty black eye compliments of one of our bouncers.

These two decided to stick around and be dicks for a while. The cops were near by and told them to leave. They went around the corner continued being dicks. So the cops told them again. After their second warning, they stuck around until they got arrested. Their buddy's, being geniuses, decided they would fight the cops so the could all go to jail together. Overhearing their master plan the cops arrested them before they got the chance. Cool.

While all this is happening, and I'm a little amped, waiting around to see what was going to happen next, one of our waitresses, came out to chat. It was her night off and she was on a bit of a bender. She was telling me a story about all the shots she had drank this evening, completely oblivious to the fact that there were fights going on. She ended up throwing up and crying in the staff bathroom at the end of the night. Good times.

Later James brought a guy out in a brutal choke hold. Turns out he started a fight and then pushed the bouncer trying to break it up. He started to argue and I advised him his best course of action was to go home. He spun around and ended up face to face with a good natured RCMP officer who looked at him and said "I told you we'd meet again" I didn't even ask.

Later than that I asked a guy to take his smoke away from the door. He turned around and blew smoke in my face. Nice. After envisioning myself breaking his jaw, I asked him if he was stupid. Turns out he is. He tried to come back in later and I told him to go fuck himself. He spent a good half hour trying to talk his way back in. 

During all of this 3 more guys got thrown out for various levels of drunken bull shit. 2 more of them got arrested because the just couldn't seem to leave the front of the bar.

At the end of the night I saw a guy knock over a chair and just walk away. I said "Hey, go pick up that chair you just knocked over" "Yeah right he said." I said "Go pick it up or don't come back"
He told me to go fuck myself, so I walked him to the door and shoved him out telling him never to return. Yes, I just banned a guy for knocking over a chair. I'm actually kind of proud. Just because its a bar doesn't mean you should get away with dickish behaviour. I can't wait to tell him he can't come back in a few weeks when he thinks I've forgotten.

I had to laugh later, one of the new guys used to work at one of the rowdiest bars in the city. I said, "This is probably just a Tuesday night to you huh?" He said "Yeah, but I didn't want to say anything, you guys are all having fun"

How was your Saturday night?

Powder

So these three guys came in last night and got fantastically drunk playing the VLTs. I called out last call and they came over to sit at the bar for a last drink. Fine. The one guy, the drunkest of my stooges missed his chair completely. I grabbed him a water, which he immediately spilled. When I came back with a bar towel to clean up this particular shit head, he was sucking the water off the bar with a straw. Then suddenly he stuck the straw in his nose. Thats when I realized that these three geniuses were doing rails right at the bar.

"What the fuck!?" I said in disbelief.

"Oh, you want some?" said the Moe of the group, holding up a credit card with a tiny little line left on it. Larry just sat there stupidly.

"No!" I said, "You can't do that in here. You guys gotta get out of here."

I printed off their bill, and the Curly of the group had staggered back to the gambling machines. Since he had all the money I went his way and interrupted him as he tried to cram a 20 into the machine.

"Hey, you gotta go, here's your bill" Curly was too drunk to read the bill so he brought it back to his buddies. After about 10 minutes of trying to figure out how to split a $90 bill between three guys, one of them finally produced his bank card. "Are you sure you don't want some?" he asked.

"No, I don't, just pay and go dude" I said. (or something like that)

"Oh sorry, I thought we were all on the same page" he slurred.

They finally paid and staggered out.

The rest of us went to Denny's. I got a burger. It was pretty good.

The age of innocence

Friday was just one of them nights.  Nick and I were rocking the door most of the night. I was taking IDs and checking bags, he stamping people and making sure people coming in belonged there. All sorts of fun things happened at the door.

The Bitchy Thief and Her Friends

At some point a girl walked up. I recognized her, sort of pretty in an off beat sort of way. The type of girl you'd probably spend time with, but you'd still be looking at other girls. She had come in with a hillbilly douchebag a few months ago and stole a purse. I took her ID looked at it, handed it back and said, "yeah you can't come in here"

"Why not?" one of her friends asked. I just looked at our friendly neigborhood purse thief.

"Because you came in here with some guy and stole a purse a few months ago."

She didn't even protest. "Oh, Ryan" she said. I guess douche bag hillbilly is Ryan. I like my name for him better. Let's go with that. "Well he stole it"

"No, the video shows you grab the purse from a pile of coats, stuff it in the guys jacket, and walk out with him. Don't come back."

She said something or other about how it was a long story and walked away. Her friends came in with out her.

Later she tried to sneak in, we said no. Then she tried to reson her way in. We said no. So she hung out outside the bar for 3 hours.

Later, her friend came up to me and said "those 2 girls you just let in are underage. My mother can get 2 cops her in 10 minutes and shut you down."

"Make the call" I said. 

"Fine!" She walked away, dailing, calling my bluff.

"Hey, should I show them the video of your friends stealing a purse while there here?" I called after her. We laughed at her. She frowned.

The Little Asshole

Later one little dude walked up and we blocked the door.

"You can't come in here" I said.

"Why?"

"Because we have to throw you out every time you come in. So you're not welcome here anymore" I said.

"For how long?" he asked

"Forever"

"I didn't do anything" he argued.

"No, not tonight" I said, "and I'm not giving you the opportunity. Have a good night."

"That's fine," he said walking away, "You're a prick anyway."

"I get that a lot" I panned.

My little buddy walked away, then came back about 10 mins later and hung out outside for about an hour. He ended up hanging out with the purse thief.

The underaged girl

A girl walked up to the door with a stamp. But it was kinda smudged, so I asked for her ID again. She didn't like that but presented it begrudgingly. It didn't look like her. I asked her for her address, which she'd rehearsed perfectly.  I noticed her birthday was near mine so I asked her for her sign. She thought about it then said "Taurus" 

"No, you're not" I said.

"Yes I AM" she screamed.

"Sweetheart, if this is your birthday you'd be a Leo." 

"I'm a TAURUS!!" she screamed again.

"I'm sure you are, but the person in the ID you gave me is a Leo. Have a good night"

While all this was happening the two guys at the head of the line were cracking up at everything I said

Well, that was unnacceptable. She started to cry. Her friends ran to get the manager, 2 minutes later there was a full quorum in front of me. The manager took my side of course. My little Taurus informed me she'd be speaking with the owner. Cool. Can't wait to hear about it.

Blow

Last week James caught 2 guys in a stall together. He pushed the door open, they tried to slam it shut. When they came out they were curious why James would think they should be kicked out. 

"You're doing rails in the shitter" he said (I'm paraphrasing, I don't remember what he said to be honest)

"No we're not" one of the idiots said.

"You might wanna wipe the white shit off your face while you're telling me that" James replied.

They left.

Harassment

You should have seen this girl. She was tall, rail thin, had one of those stupid clip in hair extensions on the back of her head. She had the make up gun set to whore. She staggered around, a little drunk, alot high. She let a strange guy do some pretty nasty things to her on the dance floor. We would have stopped them but we were laughing too hard. 

She staggered out for a smoke halfway through the night. She stopped in front of Nick, turned, and started chatting him up. She grabbed the string from his hoodie and played with the ends while whispering sweet nothings in his ear. He told her he was married. That just encouraged her.

Later, no her way out, followed by the gentleman who had recently had his fingers in places he probably shouldn't in a public place, she stopped at Nick again. This time after a bit of pillow talk she tried to kiss him. He turned his head and again informed her he was married. We were laughing while it happened, then suddenly she reached down and grabbed him by the junk. He looked at us for some relief but I was crying I was laughing so hard. 

Later he looked at us all disappointed "Friends don't let friends get raped dude"

That just made us laugh harder at him. 

There Will Be Blood

The DJ came over and told me that someone threw cutlery at the guy dancing by himself on the dance floor. Or at least the guy dancing by himself asked the DJ if he threw cutlery at him. Assuming it was the group of 5 guys sitting by the dance floor, if it had happened at all, I wandered over and asked them to never ever throw cutlery at anyone again. They agreed that that was a good idea.

I should have just kicked them out.

All night long James and I were watching these guys. They just felt like trouble. No reason, nothing glaring, but something. Later, Sanj called me over, said that there were just too many rowdy guys on the dance floor. I stationed our biggest guy right on the dance floor overlooking the group of guys. Sanj was just to the side and I stood right where everyone could see me. James was overlooking things from just off the door. There was no doubt what we were doing. I achieved what I wanted, the dance floor thinned out. I was walking away when I saw Sanj rush to hold a guy back. Andrew was dragging another guy away. Something must have happened. Andrew let the guy go and let me take over. I let the guy grab his red hoodie and I walked him out, his buddies in tow. Great, no problems.


What I didn't know was James had kicked out another guy who had been egging the first group of guys on. This dude and his friend were outside standing by the door smoking. The group of 5 were getting into a cab when suddenly one of them came flying over and punched the smart ass dude in the face. We peeled everyone apart but this one guy just couldnt' let it go. He kept accusing the smart ass and his friend of smirking at them. They weren't smirking, they were scared. I told them to leave. They wouldn't. They just stood there. Stupidly.

We held the group of 5 back until suddenly it all broke lose. Someone grabbed Andrew in a head lock, James pulled him off and threw him onto the hood of a taxi. I dragged some guy back wards onto his back, and told him not to get up. Strangely he obliged. Red Hoodie attacked Andrew who clubbed him in the face and grabbed ahold of him. Suddenly, some other dude, who wasn't involved in any of this reached over Andrew and punched Red Hoodie in the face. Now we were holding back people from different groups who were all trying to get in on the action. I don't know how it happened but I grabbed Red Hoodie and dragged him away, literally across the ground about 4 feet. A trail of blood followed him. Whoever punched him broke his nose bad. He looked like an extra from the walking dead.

That seemed to end it I think. Sanj had called the cops, or gotten the manager to. Andrew's shirt was torn half off. For some reason the asshole who started the whole thing thought Andrew should donate his shirt to Red Hoodie's bleeding face because it was torn. Why the sweet fuck we should care about his well being is beyond me. Personally, if I found out tomorrow morning that the guy bled to death I wouldn't lose too much sleep over it. (Ok, maybe not to death, but something close to it maybe). We gave them some bar towels to clean up because the cabbies wouldn't take them otherwise.

this is what I looked like last night

They stood outside stupidly for about 5 minutes until the first cop car arrived. The scrambled to get in and away but the cops just stopped the cab and dragged them out. The interviewed them and sent them away. I asked what they'd had to say for themselves and the cop told me that they were being assholes. Turns out they're from Toronto. Go figure.

The other two guys still hadn't left. Turns out they were french and that was part of the reason they were targeted. The cops spoke to them and eventually got them to leave.

In the end it took three of  us and  4 big buckets of water and a considerable amount of scrubbing to get all the blood off the sidewalk. Other than that it was a peaceful evening. I love long weekends.

Leprechaun

St. Paddy's day? Pretty uneventful at our bar. It was packed. Crazy busy. Had to throw an Irish guy out. That was sad. Then an ugly woman with garish makeup and outlandish costume jewlery tried to drunkenly explain the law to me and "dared" me to put my hands on her the way I did the Irish guy. She further explained that she was a lawyer and also used to be married to a cop. I asked her why she wasn't married any more. That just made her mad.  She also thought it was 2012 still and tried to give me a lesson on Astrology. If she's really a lawyer I'd be pretty upset if she was the one provided to me because I couldn't afford one. Did I mention she was a bitch? Fat little troll...

What else? The end of the night some fat ginger dude tried to come back in well after 2:30 because he had to use the bathroom. We explained that he couldn't come in and he said that we'd have to punch him in the face to stop him as he tried to push his way through.  I could feel the eyes on me from the bar staff...they said "Can we? Can we please? Oh lord, please say we can punch this guy in the face like he asked us to?"

Once he got out his buddy decided to pee on our door. I pulled my phone out while he was unzipping. He stopped. I don't know if he was afraid we'd record his sad little ginger penis, or that we were calling the cops. Either way, eventually he got into a cab.

That was pretty much it. Can't wait till next year....

Mall Cop

So here's a video of some mall cops taking down a "suspect". From what I read in the paper this morning the guy is 5'10, 135lbs and his crime at the time was sitting on an escalator step. He was on his way to a movie for a first date. Turns out he had some marijuana on him. He wasn't smoking it at the mall. He just had some.

I don't know how any of this started but I do know one thing. There's no reason for a security guard to walk up and start punching a guy in the ribs who's being pinned down by 5 other guys.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nCYB3iUhqf0

The other thing I know is that you should always assume you're being recorded. Everyone has a cellphone that records video now a days.

Crash

They're all idiots. Just about every person, man or woman, short, tall, black, white, purple, brown, rich poor, smart, stupid; just about everyone who walks through our doors is an idiot.

I'm seriously considering encouraging drunk driving just to help elevate the gene pool. Usually I tell people to get home safe, get a cab, don't drive. No more. We're going the other way with this thing.

"Oh no buddy! You're fine to drive, just ignore that cab! Stagger on over to your jacked up pick up truck and go! It'll be fine. Pack a bunch of people in there. I know there's only 5 seat belts, but don't bother with seat belts! Those are for pussies! Get all yer buddies in there! Take the back roads, you can drive as fast as you want! No cops! Pin 'er to the floor! I know you're seeing double! That just means you're paying twice as much attention. You can do it man! You've already thrown up twice...that means you're empty. Probably more sober than anyone in here. You've got my blessing. Hey, if you come back tomorrow night your first drink's on me!"

Its a great plan. I know you think I'm a horrible, horrible person right now, but in 20 years when these idiots aren't having children, you'll thank me. Crime will go down. Test scores will sky rocket. The chronically stupid with no longer wander the streets aimlessly spitting and swearing. Trust me. Best thing for everyone involved. You'll see. I'll be a hero. They'll build me a statue. People will sing about me in the hills.

Old Lions

I went into the bar the other day to get a bite to eat. It was the middle of the day on a Tuesday. I was chatting with the bartender and enjoying a wicked meal off our new menu. Props to our kitchen staff!

There was an old guy sitting off to my left. He was on the phone with a buddy who he kept referring to as "You fucking asshole..." in between trying to give directions. Apparently if someone doesn't understand your directions the best thing to is repeat them more loudly. Between calls he kept interrupting my conversation with the bartender. He would loudly announce that people should smoke more pot and the government should stay out of our fucking business. I would smile and nod and go back to talking to the bartender.

Unsatisfied that he wasn't receiving enough of our attention, he started playing songs on his iPhone. Nickleback. Sigh. The bartender kept asking him to turn it down, and he would for a while. Finally I got sick of all this and moved to another table.

Later I heard a commotion at the end of the bar. The old guy was joined by his friend Fucking Asshole.  They were yelling and swearing about God knows what. I don't know if they were arguing or celebrating. They were certainly drunk. One of the other patrons yelled at them for swearing so much and they calmed down for a bit. I moved down and hung out by the bar. The bartender asked them to leave after they finished their beer. Of course it couldn't be that easy; one of the old guys tried to steal a beer stein. The bartender asked for it back and after much clever flirting (Thats when old guys say incredibly stupid or crass things to young bar staff who have no choice but to put up with their shit) they left.

About 2 minutes later Fucking Asshole walked back in. He was intercepted by the manager who told him he couldn't come in. "Well I gotta use your bathroom"
"Sorry, you were asked to leave, you can't come back"
By now I had wandered up just in case. Dirty old guy then walked in and said "What, he can't use your bathroom? Just spent a hundred bucks here and he can't use your bathroom?" (The going price for a cheeseburger and 3 beers)
"Sorry, there's another bar up the road, you can try there" said the manager.
Dirty old man then said to Fucking Asshole "do you have to shit or piss?"
"Shit" replied Fucking Asshole.
"Let the man shit!" said Dirty Old Man.
"Time to go" said the manager.
"Fuck you" said dirty old man, and he and his partner left.
The manager said "Man, its like, 2:30 on a Tuesday! Well, somehow dirty old man heard that and stuck his head back in the door.
"Yeah it IS 2:30 on a Tuesday!" he argued.
We just looked at him. "Fuck you!" he said giving us a sort of wind mill flip off.
"Don't come back"
"I won't come back, I'll fucking kill this bar!" said Dirty Old Man, and away he went.
We watched them weave their way over to a Star Buck and laughed about how the 18 year old emo kids were going to handle our pair of aging rock stars

American History X

I was cleaning up, moving chairs around, checking on a guy who wasn't paying his bill when Ty started waving frantically at me. I walk out and Ty leans over to me "Some guy called him Nigger"
I looked up to see a massive black man who I'd noticed hanging out, peacefully, at the bar earlier. There was no peace to be had now. This guy was pissed. Full-on enraged. So I walked over like nothing was up and said "Hey man, what happened?"
"Mother fucker call me NIGGER!!" he roared. He was all kinds of tense. Fists balled up, shoulders high, arms rigid. You'd think he was carrying two really heavy suitcases. Possibly with bodies in them.
"Who?" I asked.
"That fucking mother fucker over there. I'm gonna fucking kill that fucking bitch"

Just to put this in perspective, my enraged customer was around 300+ lbs. The guy he pointed to was maybe 160. If he had a pocket full of change. Change he'd gotten after a big meal at Denny's. And he was oblivious to the serious amount of harm this guy was willing to do to him. He wasn't even paying attention at this point. Probably didn't even remember saying it.

"Man, that's bullshit" I said to the massive amount of angry human in front of me. It's important to stay calm in these situations I've learned. If I get excited, I'm just added more energy to a volatile situation. Talk like you're having a conversation, not stopping a fight. But don't be condescending. It's a fine line sometimes.
"He called me nigger, you can't fucking call me nigger, I'll kill you!" he screamed.
"Dude, I get that, and I appologize. I know your mad and I don't blame you. What's your name?"
He started to regain his composure but was still angry. He kind of looked away. I stuck out my hand.
"Look man, my name's Luke, I'm the head bouncer here, and I'm fucking sorry about this, its bullshit"
Finally the tension broke and he took my outstretched hand (Thank God) "Conolly" he said and gave me one of those hand shake hug combos that everyone does these days.

"Nice to meet you. Look man, I understand you're upset, and you have every right. That's bull shit. But if you go kick that shit out of that guy, it'll be a murder, you'll tear that little guy to peices."
Conolly burst out laughing and I got another hug. "Yeah, I used to bounce too man, at places scarier than this!" he said.
"I fucking knew it!" I said, poking him in the chest. I saw you standing around the bar. Can't turn it off can you?
He laughed and joked with me for a bit. His friends looked relieve that he wasn't going to murder someone tonight. I apologised again and told him that that kind of shit wasn't what our bar was about.
"Tell you what, tomorrow night first beers on me ok?" I said punching him playfully in the shoulder.
"Alright, alright" he said.
"So no murders tonight?" I said hopefully.
"No it's all good" he said.
"Alright man, I'll see you tomorrow" I said, relieved. "Get home safe" We shook hands and I went back inside.

About ten minutes later we saw him pounding on racist, and stupid, drunk he'd pointed out earlier. He managed to make this happen up the road from the bar though, which is all I really wanted anyway.  I can't let someone get beat up in the bar, or on our sidewalk...but I'm not in charge of the entire little town. The last I saw our little Klansman he was running from Conolly like a scared rabbit.

I really hope Conolly comes back, I wanna buy him that beer.

Hey, while you're here, click my survey to see what you're doing for St. Paddy's day! Its over there on the right somewhere!

From Your Bartender

A friend sent me this. It's a list of rules to live by if you'd ever like to get served in a bar again.

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sba/316771757.html

Tron

Man, all I can say is, if a whole room full of people think you're too drunk to stay, just leave. Tomorrow morning, when at least 1 asshole is waking up in a drunk tank with various charges levied against him, I'll be in my warm bed dreaming of all the beautiful women I got to draw on with glowing ink pens. My two favorite things! Art and attractive women!

Tonight was our second glow party. DJ Plan B and DJ Remedy, our two house spinners brought glow sticks, and balloons, a gorgeous body painter, and lots of glowing pens for us to play with.

Hundreds of people showed up in their best white and neon outfits. The place looked like it was on another planet. Glowing bracelets and necklaces, glowing body paint, glowing shirts, and hats and glasses. It was like watching fire flies get jiggy with it.

It was like Tron 2. But interesting. And sexy.

Punch Drunk Love

"Man, we haven't had a fight in a while."
The second he said it we both knew we were jinxed. I just didn't know how much.

I was working the door hours later when someone I didn't know said, "Hey, you need to get in there." I looked up and there's the manager holding a guy back, two bouncers dragging people in different directions and a guy with a serious cut on his head. By the time I got there Ty was trying to get the guy with the cut to come with him so he could clean him up and stop the bleeding. The guy's girlfriend, not understanding, punches Ty in the face. I held her back and explained to her that she was bad. Bad, bad, bad, and tapped her on the nose with my finger. That confused her. Fine. The guys were taking the bad guys outside.

I walked over to see whats happening with the manager and a second fight breaks out. Some guy flies across the bar and smacks another guy, the one the manager was holding, right in the face. The other guy breaks free and tackles the first. I end up holding the one guy down while someone else started pulling them apart. These guys are both regulars. I pinned the first guy down and told him if he let go we wouldn't let guy on top hit him. Amazingly it happened just like that. The first guy chills out and I let him up. I was about to find out what happened when another fight erupted at the door. FFS!! Fortunately the bartenders and the manager are on top of this one.

So I ran over. Pure pandemonium. Every bouncer is tangled up with someone. The cook is trying to pull a guy off Ty (how the hell did he get out front so quick?) and another guy who's trying to help Ty punched our cook in the face because he didn't understand the situation. Ty gets some guy into a guillotine choke so I try to pull them apart before Ty really hurts him. Meanwhile, some OTHER guy is screaming hysterically about how he's going to kill some one, and being held back by our 130lb DJ. (That is the mark of a guy who wants to seem like he wants to fight but doesn't want to fight, being held back by a 130lb DJ)

Finally we get it all settled. Everyone on their feet. People heading towards cabs. Everyone dusting themselves off. Then someone breathed. Or a twig snapped. Or something, but it was back on. Bodies started flying everywhere. One guy turns and sucker punches some hippy french dude in the face. I heard it more than saw it. James grabs the guy, then some guy grabbed James from behind in a choke hold. Ty pulls that guy off just as James was rolling out of it and starts punching him in the face. Hard. I grabbed the sucker puncher and he started to flail so I put him in a head and arm. James turned around and slugged him about 3 times. I could feel the impacts through this guys body.

So I finally drag the guy down into a bush and pin him. The guy started losing his shit. I mean freaking out hard, like I was holding his head under water, begging me to get everyone off of him. I tell him to calm down. I look, and the DJ has his legs pinned down. We finally let him up and I escort him to a cab where his more reasonable friend is trying to get hysterical screamer guy into a cab.

Now I realize the guys I'm fighting with all love me. They all went to my high school back east. We even went to the same elementary school, just 10 years apart it seems. Everything was cool earlier in the evening, they were hugging me and telling me how happy they were to see another Maritimer, so I don't know what the hell happened. By then they were in a cab and they all wanted to shake my hand and apologise. I'm thinking "Fuck, don't apologize, just don't punch people in the face."Finally they drove away.

I went back inside and there are the two dudes I ended up prying apart inside the bar earlier, sitting together having a beer. I looked at the manager and he said "they're getting along, having a beer, its more trouble having them leave than to just let them hash it out" Great. I saw how they "hash it out" earlier, but I guess they can enjoy their love-in for the time being.

It took a half hour to get them all out at the end of the night, tensions were still running high, but eventually they all left.

I had a seriously enjoyable beer after that. And I think it's time for a raise, don't you? That's my new survey question. Do you think Luke needs a raise There are only two answers. Yes, and Fuck Yeah!