Crash

They're all idiots. Just about every person, man or woman, short, tall, black, white, purple, brown, rich poor, smart, stupid; just about everyone who walks through our doors is an idiot.

I'm seriously considering encouraging drunk driving just to help elevate the gene pool. Usually I tell people to get home safe, get a cab, don't drive. No more. We're going the other way with this thing.

"Oh no buddy! You're fine to drive, just ignore that cab! Stagger on over to your jacked up pick up truck and go! It'll be fine. Pack a bunch of people in there. I know there's only 5 seat belts, but don't bother with seat belts! Those are for pussies! Get all yer buddies in there! Take the back roads, you can drive as fast as you want! No cops! Pin 'er to the floor! I know you're seeing double! That just means you're paying twice as much attention. You can do it man! You've already thrown up twice...that means you're empty. Probably more sober than anyone in here. You've got my blessing. Hey, if you come back tomorrow night your first drink's on me!"

Its a great plan. I know you think I'm a horrible, horrible person right now, but in 20 years when these idiots aren't having children, you'll thank me. Crime will go down. Test scores will sky rocket. The chronically stupid with no longer wander the streets aimlessly spitting and swearing. Trust me. Best thing for everyone involved. You'll see. I'll be a hero. They'll build me a statue. People will sing about me in the hills.