There's a woman that comes into the bar all the time. She gets really drunk. She gets into arguments with other women. She constantly tries to have people kicked out for various infractions. Basically anyone who rubs her the wrong way. She's lied to all of the staff about being and undercover RCMP officer. She's been kicked out for having been 'overserved' on a few occasions. She is not someone I'd like to have to see on a regular basis, much less depend on.At the end of the night tonight some hippy looking guy wearing a toque with pom poms comes to the door. It's well after two and I told him the bar was closed.
Hippy Guy tried to sneak in past me using some rail thin emaciated bar star chicks as cover. I threw him out and we had a bit of a physical altercation. After the third time I knocked him over he decided that his Vegan-Bon Ivor-Birkenstock-Westfalia Kung Fu was no match for my Punch You In The Face You Dirty Drunk Hippy Kung Fu. (Despite my attempt at humour I was really not being a bully in this situation, guy wouldn't leave, and I had to physically stop him from coming in). He called me a name, flipped me off and walked home (or where ever dirty hippies go, I'm assuming a grow op or some sort of squatters habitat to eat granola and bitch about the corporate military complex or some such thing)
I looked up and there was Undercover looking at me "That was so hot" she said. Oh no.
"Uh yeah, uh, so are you leaving or what?" I asked.
"No, I want to hang out with you" she slurred.
Great..."Well, I gotta do bouncer stuff" I replied.
I flagged down another guy to work the door and started rounding people up to leave. Undercover started following me around the bar. Eventually she asked why there were no female bouncers. I said I didn't know. To be honest, none have ever applied. I have no problem with female bouncers, I've seen women cool down a confrontation alot quicker than any of us guys can,and I met some awsome door staff in Aus who were women. But alas, I don't think a woman has ever applied to work the door at my little corner of the world.
Undercover started petitioning me to hire her to work as a bouncer. Despite having a tremendous amount of character flaws, I would say the absolute worst way to get a job is to apply in a bar at 2:30 am when the staff is trying to clean up and you've been drinking and you're a known liar and shit disturber. But that didn't stop Undercover.
I told her to bring in a resume. She told me that she'd be great at breaking up girl fights.
I said great, bring in a resume. She told me she's training to be an RCMP. I said great, bring in a resume. She told me that she had lots of experience dealing with high stress situations. I said great, bring in a resume. She said some other stuff. Finally I got mad. "Look, I don't hire people here, its not my job, I just tell them what to do, you want a job, bring in a resume, but I don't have time to talk to you, you need to go home, go to sleep, sober up and type up your resume, ok?" She blinked at me.
As I made my escape I looked up to see Sandie, one of our bartenders laughing at the whole situation. "Did you make a new friend?" she teased, the way you might talk to a dog who can't get his chew toy out from under the couch. Maybe I'll get Undercover to throw her out. First test!!
