Brazil Nuts

Four Brazilian kids came in last Friday. There's the tall good natured kid in a grey sweater, a weird smaller kid who looks like an elf, another douchebag with a little moustache and a new guy with a stupid pony tail.

Tall kid is alright, pleasant enough, never causes trouble. Rumour is he sells weed, but he seems to get that it can’t be done in our bar.

The elf is a douche bag weirdo. Super aggressive with girls, hands all over, doesn't understand 'no', always seems to be in the middle of some sort of trouble. He usually wears a toque way on the back of his head, and a ratty cardigan and skinny jeans. He just pisses me off in every way. One of our younger waitressed told me last week that "no he's not an asshole, he's fun". 

The moustache dude is another piece of shit. He’s handed out half-drank leftover beers to drunk girls, he’s been super aggressive with women on the dancefloor, and we even caught him with a significant amount of weed in the bathroom. We’ve banned him for a while but started letting him and his buddies come back.

The Ponytail freak is new. Seen him around once or twice. Never made an impression on me one way or the other. Until Friday.

It was a pretty good Friday, we were busy. I was working with James, CT and Big A. At some point a body builder looking short guy and his tispy body builder girlfriend showed up. Later, their friend, a blond girl arrived. I asked for ID and she rolled her eyes and handed me her ID and looked away as though I was wasting her time. I let her in and she gave me a quick condescending smile before rolling her eyes and stomping into the bar. Blondie was a bit of a bitch, but that’s nothing new ‘round her I guess.

CT spent a chunk of the night avoiding/entertaining a girl he’d ‘gotten to know’ the weekend before. We were teasing him about his new stalker/love interest over the radio when suddenly he said “Hey, take a look inside guys”

James looked and went in. It seemed there was an argument between the weightlifting team and the Brazilians. I hung halfway back keeping my eye on the door, CT and Big A were approaching the group as well. The argument went through the motions but seemed to resolve itself. The girls in the group just wanted to leave and were motioning the boys to go. James was about to walk away when suddenly people started shoving.

The Muscle-y dude started to step towards the PonyTail weirdo, but CT wrapped him up. James stepped in front of the Pony Tail weirdo who was now completely outside the fray, but still screaming at the Muscle-y dude for some reason. The girlfriend was slapping James on the back of his bald head. A table went over and glass shattered, I ran around and pulled off a guy who was trying to get at the group, I think it was the Moustache Douche.  The tall kid was trying to pull the Elf-looking weirdo out of the group. We had it pretty much tied up when suddenly I heard glass break.

The douchebag-asshole-coward PonyTail freak reached over James, and smashed a bottle over the Muscle-y guy’s head. CT had been holding the guy back and hand his arms pinned to his side. The glass and beer exploded over the guys head and burst square into CTs face like a shotgun blast. He spun around into me and I could see he was cut up pretty good. He ran over to check on the Muscle-y guy. He had a deep gash down his forehead to his eyebrow. Ten or twelve stitches worth. 

“I got bottled” he said with short lived disbelief. Then the rage took over “Where the fuck did he go!?”

Both guys looked like a horror movie. There was blood everywhere.

“I don’t know, I didn’t see who did it but you’re cut pretty bad, we’re gonna get you an ambulance and the cops are coming” I hadn’t actually seen the guy who did it, but found out later that Big A had grabbed him and practically carried him outside then ran back in to help us. I saw on the video later that the Elf looking asshole had gone out and told PonyTail to run.

The Muscle-y guy ran outside and announced he was going to kill the guy who bottled him.  He tried to get at the remaining Brazilians but James and Big A got him calmed down. I went over and told him that we had a pretty good idea who the guy was and that the cops were coming, the whole thing was on video and that they’d get him. “Let me get him” he said infuriated. Not happening big guy.

Suddenly Blondie, who was such a charmer earlier, is my best friend, begging me to help her cut up muscle man. We got him some towels to help stop the bleeding.

All of a sudden he caught sight of one of the Brazilians and lost his shit. He went flying around the corner and tried to grab one. Big A was quick to grab him and I was right behind. At some point I had my arms around his body, he turned to get free and elbowed me in the face. He suddenly stopped turned and apologized. I almost laughed. 

“Its ok buddy but look, cops are here. You’re not gonna do yourself any good getting arrested.” He found that agreeable.

Cops showed up, ambulance showed up, they looked over Muscle-y guy and CT. Muscle-y guy got a lift to the hospital. CT decided chicks dig scars and declined to get the stitch or two he probably needed.  The bar had emptied so I told CT he was done for the night. He was lucky to still have his vision.

Days later I found out that one of our regulars was a roommate of Elf-face and Ponytail asshole. PonyTail claims he was the victim and just defending himself. The video shows a much different story fortunately. The video shows he was no only not being attacked, but his supposed attacker was being held back by on bouncer and blocked by another.  This dick head had to practically climb over James to hit the guy with a bottle, cutting him badly and almost blinding one of my buddies. Hopefully PonyTail get deported after a few months in jail having his hair used like a handle. Yup, that’d be nice.

Anyway, CT is fine, like a trooper he was back to work the next day. The cops came by to get the video earlier this week. And there’s pretty much only one kind of Brazilian allowed in our bar now.

If you know what I’m sayin’.

Detroit Rock City

There’s a woman who comes into the bar we call “Detroit”. One night, while throwing her out for causing a disturbance, she told us that if we were in Detroit she’d have us killed already. I guess she’s a big deal in Detroit.

A few weeks ago she came in and apologized for her bad behavior. We let her in on the condition that she behave. She spent the next few hours getting blasted, annoying the customers and hitting on the doormen. Being a sloppy drunk isn't all that attractive, even in our rough little town. But Detroit doesn't take no for an answer and eventually we had to remove her before she started getting all physical on the guys who just weren't interested.

  

We didn’t see her for a while after that, until Friday night she wandered across our parking lot, big smile on her face. She started apologizing before she was really within ear shot. We made fun of her for a bit, but then told her, seriously, that if she caused any trouble, that was it, she wasn’t welcome back any more. She promised to be good.

“We’re gonna have to throw her out aren't we?” I joked.

“Oh hell yeah.”

She wandered in and out all night, smoking, rubbing her giant boobs against us and clumsily flirting with us or anything else with a Y chromosome.  When she didn’t get any takers she’d go back in only to return ten minutes later and try again. After about a half hour she’d gotten enough wine into her that she felt comfortable enough to let us know she wasn’t wearing any underwear. She also decided that one of us was going to drive her home ‘if’ she got too drunk to drive. (Not ‘it’!)

She finally sat beside some guy and struck up a conversation. They shared a couple drinks and finally, after a solid half hour of getting to know one another,  left together. Sweet, he’s taking one for the team and we don’t have to drag her drunk ass out again. Happy ending for everyone! Or so I thought.

An hour later the sun was starting to go down when I looked up and saw Detroit staggering down the driveway.  “That was quick!” I teased cheerfully.

“I don’t wanna talk about it” she replied rolling her heavily painted eyes. She gave one of the boys a hug and slithered back in.

With a glass of white in her hand she sat uninvited with a group of young hicks. After a spell she got up with a few of them and started dancing. As I passed the dancefloor later she yelled at me “James!” (That’s not my name, that’s my coworkers fake bar name, she thought I was him) 

“I’m only dancing with this kid ‘cause he’s handicapped and I need to teach him how” she slurred at me. He wasn’t handicapped.

“As long as that’s all you teach him” I said flatly. 

I looked at this poor kid who was being dragged around the dance floor by this aggressive drunk. It pissed me off that she was acting like he was somehow an embarrassment to her.  

I went up to the guys and said “We’re gonna need to throw her out before something happens” 

As we were talking about that (and not doing it like we should have),  I saw some commotion on the dance floor out of the corner of my eye.  All of a sudden Detroit and a tall farm girl went ass over teakettle on the dance floor. We rushed over and started breaking it up. Heels and claws and hair were whirling in every direction. James grabbed Detroit while I held back the farm girl with the help of her boyfriend. They told me exactly what I expected to hear, that she wouldn’t leave one of their guys alone, and when his girlfriend finally told her to get lost she started pushing. I got them to chill and went back out.

Detroit was pacing and smoking hard. “I’m going to kill that bitch. I better not see her again, I’ll kill her, Detroit style!” She really actually said “Detroit style”

We told her she had to leave. She just kept pacing.

That’s when a cop car rolled up. I recognized the guy behind the wheel and walked over to his car. I told him we had an incident and we couldn’t get the instigator to leave. Maybe the threat of a night in the drunk tank would do it?

He said sure, and as he was throwing it in Park the farm girl and her friend came out of the bar. Detroit saw her chance at redemption and rushed at the farm girl,  who just simply threw the cleanest right hook I’d ever seen thrown in a bar fight. Square in the teeth.  I wish Joe Rogan had been there to scream “Right on the button!!” By the time I ran over the door guys had gather them off the ground. One of our servers grabbed Detroit by the throat and pinned her against the wall. Detroit easily had 50, 60 lbs on this girl but our girl just manhandled her. “I got this”

The cop walked straight over to Detroit and got her ID. She didn’t think that was fair since she was the victim. Blood ran down over her front teeth.  She wanted to press charges. The cop told her that from what he saw, she would be the only one getting charged if she didn’t leave. So she blew smoke in his face. As he was reaching for his cuffs one of our servers convinced her she should probably get a cab before it was too late. With a little bit of prodding the got her in a van and on her way.

The cop just laughed about the whole thing and joked around with us for a couple minutes. We thanked him and he left. 

I found the farm girl and told her that she couldn’t punch anyone any more, but damn, that was a nice right! She laughed and thanked me.  She and her crew spent the rest of the night having fun. I'm sure Detroit spent the rest of her night wondering if she was going to get a visit from the tooth fairy.

I wonder what a couple of front teeth are worth these days. 

Blue Hawaii

The night of the Mayweather Pacquiao fight was pretty busy. A buddy and I were working the door when a bunch of guys wearing Hawaiian shirts walked in. Here’s the thing with 6 guys in Hawaiian shirts coming to a bar in Airdrie to watch fights. They’re dicks.  They can’t even help it. I don’t know if it’s the power of the floral print, or the delusion of tropical grandeur, but 6 guys in Hawaiian shirts will always end up being dicks. These dicks were celebrating someone’s 31^st birthday.

After the fights the bar slowed down so we cut 2 of our guys, 1 of whom stayed on to have a beer.  The Hawaii 5-0 crew continued to be dumbasses, picking each other up, picking other people up, doing cartwheels on the dance floor, trying to order 25 shots at a time and just being dicks.

Finally 2am rolled around and birthday boy ran outside for a smoke.  He was pretty pissed off when we wouldn’t let him back in. I went off to talk to the cops about some old guy who got punched out earlier in the evening.  (Apparently he called a young lady a name that the cops wouldn’t repeat to me, and her boyfriend took exception and knocked him out cold in front of a starbucks) As I was giving them my details I saw a fight break out in front of the bar. I ran over to help break it up. 

Some guy was whaling on the birthday boy. I got between them and asked him to stop and he did. Just like that, he turned around and walked away. Birthday boy suddenly grabbed me so I held him down while he freaked out.  His buddy grabbed me from behind so I turned around and shoved him hard into the loving arms of an RCMP officer. Instead of just leaving it be, he started to wrestle with the cop. Genius.

I turned back to my guy just as two of his other buddies came running at me from inside the bar. Our off-duty guy had just finished putting his staff shirt back on in time to yank these guys back before they could lay a hand on me. (Thanks buddy!) Finally the cops came around and grabbed the birthday boy who was still losing his shit. That’s when I saw a can of pepper spray in one of the officers hands, (or at least I thought it was), either way, I was done, I hopped up and let them handle it.

As they cuffed the birthday boy and his buddy, I could see he had a broken nose. The rest of his crew decided to start crowding the cops, telling them what the law was (getting drunk and fighting in front of a bar is not illegal as long as everyone agrees to it), and arresting their buddies was illegal (you can’t arrest a guy for getting drunk and starting fights in front of a bar), and police harassment (a cop shining a flashlight at you is police harassment).  

One dick tried to engage us in a drunken debate as to who owns all the sidewalks (every sidewalk is public property, even if that sidewalk is on private property. Parking lots are also public property, so if you want to stand there threatening people, that’s perfectly legal). We held them back from getting near the cops while they did their thing. Then one of the Pineapple Gang decided that it was ME who started the fight with his buddy. The cop I was talking to earlier just shook his head.

Finally they let one of the douchebags go and threw the birthday boy in the back of a car. We went back to our station in front of the door and watched while the Hawaiian Tropic crew recorded everything on their phones and threatened to call their lawyers. The youngest, most newfie sounding of their crew informed us that he had at least 2 lawyers on speed dial. Of course you do.

The cops told them to get lost or they ‘d get arrested so they walked away; straight towards us. They gathered in front of the door giving us dirty looks for a few seconds before deciding to surround us. I told them to back up and they told me to fuck off. So I shoved two of them back. On guy grabbed my arm so I grabbed him by the head and threw him to the ground, then drove my elbow into his jaw. The other boys pinned the rest of the group up against wall by their throats until the cops came and broke us up again. They eventually staggered off to cabs, announcing that they’d somehow “won” whatever they thought had transpired.  

I found out later what started it all. Birthday boy looked at some guy holding his wife’s purse and called him a fag. Some other, bigger dude, who happened to be standing nearby, told him not to call people names. Birthday boy said, “What the fuck are you gonna do about it”. So bigger dude broke his face.

Anyway, it was far more exciting than the MayPac fight, with much less hugging. And Friday is only 3 days away!!

Mayweather Hugs

Happy Cinqo De Mayo!

Holy shit. What a weird night. It started off slow. I told the boys I'd work inside tonight because it was so dead. I was standing in the back talking to James when suddenly I saw a guy tackle another guy. I  bolted over to the scene of the crime. When I tried to stop and break it things up my body ended up in the right place but my feet just kept going. Ass over tea kettle I went.

I got up and some guy came flying out of no where and punched one of the guys in back of the head. James grabbed him,  I pulled the second guy off and I don't even know where the guy on the bottom ended up.  The rest of the team was there in seconds.

I put my guy, wearing a green t shirt,  into guillotine choke and he just stopped moving, I loosened up a bit and he said he was done. Ok. I let him up slowly and he left like a genleman. A gentleman covered in spilled beer and highballs. Meanwhile other bouncers were leading other guys out. I walked my guy out and went back to see what was going on. The guy on the bottom in black said he was leaving but asked if he could get his stuff. I said fine. He got his stuff and left.

I went into the office to watch the video. Turns out the guy in black just flat out sucker punched the guy in green.  Meanwhile, the guy in black is out front is threatening the other bouncers. I went up front and he started to tell me that legally I could walk him back in to get his friends. I said yeah, and legally I can tell him he can't come in and do nothing. He informed me it was my loss. I'll try not to lose sleep. He stood around smoking and looking tough, then eventually left.

Later I saw one of our regulars dragging a guy in a lame paisley shirt out in a full nelson, being followed by another bouncer with another guy in red being dragged out.  I let them by. Just as the guy in paisley was released outside he took a swing at one of our guys a who was walking away. I got between them and shoved him. He went flying and smashed into our sandwich board, breaking it.  His bigger buddy in red came at me and I think might have punched me in the face, I don't really remember, but I've got a small cut inside my mouth. Someone grabbed him and pulled him off. I ended up tangled with Paisley, feeding him shots to the side of his head while another guy was trying to get us all down. Eventually we ended up in a pile with Paisley tearing my brand new Guinness hoodie as James held him down. He wouldn't let it go so I stepped on his face and pulled. He still wouldn't let it go so I let him have it. It's no good now anyway. He got up with a pretty nasty black eye compliments of one of our bouncers.

These two decided to stick around and be dicks for a while. The cops were near by and told them to leave. They went around the corner continued being dicks. So the cops told them again. After their second warning, they stuck around until they got arrested. Their buddy's, being geniuses, decided they would fight the cops so the could all go to jail together. Overhearing their master plan the cops arrested them before they got the chance. Cool.

While all this is happening, and I'm a little amped, waiting around to see what was going to happen next, one of our waitresses, came out to chat. It was her night off and she was on a bit of a bender. She was telling me a story about all the shots she had drank this evening, completely oblivious to the fact that there were fights going on. She ended up throwing up and crying in the staff bathroom at the end of the night. Good times.

Later James brought a guy out in a brutal choke hold. Turns out he started a fight and then pushed the bouncer trying to break it up. He started to argue and I advised him his best course of action was to go home. He spun around and ended up face to face with a good natured RCMP officer who looked at him and said "I told you we'd meet again" I didn't even ask.

Later than that I asked a guy to take his smoke away from the door. He turned around and blew smoke in my face. Nice. After envisioning myself breaking his jaw, I asked him if he was stupid. Turns out he is. He tried to come back in later and I told him to go fuck himself. He spent a good half hour trying to talk his way back in. 

During all of this 3 more guys got thrown out for various levels of drunken bull shit. 2 more of them got arrested because the just couldn't seem to leave the front of the bar.

At the end of the night I saw a guy knock over a chair and just walk away. I said "Hey, go pick up that chair you just knocked over" "Yeah right he said." I said "Go pick it up or don't come back"
He told me to go fuck myself, so I walked him to the door and shoved him out telling him never to return. Yes, I just banned a guy for knocking over a chair. I'm actually kind of proud. Just because its a bar doesn't mean you should get away with dickish behaviour. I can't wait to tell him he can't come back in a few weeks when he thinks I've forgotten.

I had to laugh later, one of the new guys used to work at one of the rowdiest bars in the city. I said, "This is probably just a Tuesday night to you huh?" He said "Yeah, but I didn't want to say anything, you guys are all having fun"

How was your Saturday night?

There Will Be Blood

The DJ came over and told me that someone threw cutlery at the guy dancing by himself on the dance floor. Or at least the guy dancing by himself asked the DJ if he threw cutlery at him. Assuming it was the group of 5 guys sitting by the dance floor, if it had happened at all, I wandered over and asked them to never ever throw cutlery at anyone again. They agreed that that was a good idea.

I should have just kicked them out.

All night long James and I were watching these guys. They just felt like trouble. No reason, nothing glaring, but something. Later, Sanj called me over, said that there were just too many rowdy guys on the dance floor. I stationed our biggest guy right on the dance floor overlooking the group of guys. Sanj was just to the side and I stood right where everyone could see me. James was overlooking things from just off the door. There was no doubt what we were doing. I achieved what I wanted, the dance floor thinned out. I was walking away when I saw Sanj rush to hold a guy back. Andrew was dragging another guy away. Something must have happened. Andrew let the guy go and let me take over. I let the guy grab his red hoodie and I walked him out, his buddies in tow. Great, no problems.


What I didn't know was James had kicked out another guy who had been egging the first group of guys on. This dude and his friend were outside standing by the door smoking. The group of 5 were getting into a cab when suddenly one of them came flying over and punched the smart ass dude in the face. We peeled everyone apart but this one guy just couldnt' let it go. He kept accusing the smart ass and his friend of smirking at them. They weren't smirking, they were scared. I told them to leave. They wouldn't. They just stood there. Stupidly.

We held the group of 5 back until suddenly it all broke lose. Someone grabbed Andrew in a head lock, James pulled him off and threw him onto the hood of a taxi. I dragged some guy back wards onto his back, and told him not to get up. Strangely he obliged. Red Hoodie attacked Andrew who clubbed him in the face and grabbed ahold of him. Suddenly, some other dude, who wasn't involved in any of this reached over Andrew and punched Red Hoodie in the face. Now we were holding back people from different groups who were all trying to get in on the action. I don't know how it happened but I grabbed Red Hoodie and dragged him away, literally across the ground about 4 feet. A trail of blood followed him. Whoever punched him broke his nose bad. He looked like an extra from the walking dead.

That seemed to end it I think. Sanj had called the cops, or gotten the manager to. Andrew's shirt was torn half off. For some reason the asshole who started the whole thing thought Andrew should donate his shirt to Red Hoodie's bleeding face because it was torn. Why the sweet fuck we should care about his well being is beyond me. Personally, if I found out tomorrow morning that the guy bled to death I wouldn't lose too much sleep over it. (Ok, maybe not to death, but something close to it maybe). We gave them some bar towels to clean up because the cabbies wouldn't take them otherwise.

this is what I looked like last night

They stood outside stupidly for about 5 minutes until the first cop car arrived. The scrambled to get in and away but the cops just stopped the cab and dragged them out. The interviewed them and sent them away. I asked what they'd had to say for themselves and the cop told me that they were being assholes. Turns out they're from Toronto. Go figure.

The other two guys still hadn't left. Turns out they were french and that was part of the reason they were targeted. The cops spoke to them and eventually got them to leave.

In the end it took three of  us and  4 big buckets of water and a considerable amount of scrubbing to get all the blood off the sidewalk. Other than that it was a peaceful evening. I love long weekends.

Idiocity

So some guy walked out of the bar, walked over to a car and peed on it. It happened to belong to one of our bartenders. The pisser tried to come back in after urinating outdoors, in front of people, on my friend's property. We, of course, said he couldn't. He then spent, literally, the next 2 hours trying to get back in. He eventually got punched in the face by another guy. Sucker punched. Karma. After that he stilled stayed around for another half hour spitting blood and calling all his friends. None of whom seemed to want to come help.

The guy who punched him in the face was shocked to find out that we wouldn't let him back in either. Last week he had tried to fight a bouncer, and the week before that he tried to fight a group of bikers. For some reason the bikers like me and have promised not to cause trouble and therefore did not murder the 80lb weakling who for some reason feels the need to constantly fight. We decided he should never ever ever come back into our bar. He said that was unfair. He also stood around outside for about 3 hours. Eventually he got bored and left. Time well spent I figure.

I think that if you find yourself spending a great deal of your time standing outside a place that you are not welcome, you may need to examine your life. You are either a stalker or a loser.

Big Trouble in Little China

I asked a guy outside to have a chat on Friday night. He and his friends seemed hell bent on getting into a fight.
"No man, we don't want any trouble"
"Great, glad to hear it" I said.
"Yeah, no I respect you, man. Whatever. We just came in here because we thought there were some guys in here looking for trouble, so if they fucking get in my face I'll fucking smash the shit out of them, y'know? But yeah, man, we're not looking for trouble or anything."

Oh. Gotcha.

Girls Just Want to Have Fun

There was a girl fight tonight at the bar. It started inside and Andrew escorted one out, then someone else got another out. Later a second girl fight broke out outside. There were about 4 or 5 involved. We started pulling them apart. At the core was a pair of girls seriously entangled. It took three of us to get them apart.

Girl fights are different from guy fights. Basically they each just grab a couple hands full of hair and start pulling. It's impossible to get them apart. Scientifically speaking, the bond between two girls fighting is stronger than that of velcro, Crazy Glue, the gravitational pull between the earth and the moon, and a cat on a screen door.

If you ever need to tow something and don't have rope just put a girl on your car and another on whatever you're towing (boat, wagon, another car or truck, a couple of sea-doos, a stump, whatever it doesn't matter) Tell one of them the other said she was fat, or stupid, or a whore. Pick whatever she's sensitive about, it doesn't matter, but the more true it is the better results you'll get. There's no sense in telling a skinny whore she's fat, cause she knows she's not fat, she's a whore. If you don't know...go with whore. Chances are, if they're fighting, one of them's a whore. That's just science.

Once their hands are firmly buried in each others 'do you can pretty much pull them anywhere. You're more likely to break an axel than have two feral bar stars dislodge from one another. Realistically, you're more likely to tear one of them in half before you get them apart. You need to be careful of that. That's a mess you don't want to clean up.  That's why I usually try to use the smaller bar stars. Go for something in the waif, or twig strain. They're just as strong but easier to install and way easier to clean up if you break one.

Now, no matter what happens, one will cry. She will be the one with the messiest hair. There will be running make-up and possibly mucus. Don't touch either.

She'll want to touch her face and hair, but she's afraid to because she knows it's messy up there. Faced with a horrible dilemma her arms will freeze like a deer in clown makeup. In headlights.  She will turn around in circles with her arms up like she's carrying invisible logs to an invisible fire that's evading her somehow. She's looking for her friends.

Don't worry about that. Get out of the way before she notices you and decides you might be some sort of emotional support. She'll eventually stop spinning and get into a cab with an idiot. It's a fact.

The other one, the non-cryer, will be standing around nearby calling the cryer a whore. Remember, it doesn't matter if she's a whore or not. Don't worry about that. Eventually the non cryer will get into a cab with an idiot. That's just physics. And biology.


On that note, St. Paddy's day party tomorrow! Let's see what happens.

Night of the Living Dead

Some jackass got so zombie drunk that we couldn't let him back in the bar. When his buddies couldn't get him into a cab Nick, one of our bigger door men helped wrestle the guy into one. An hour later we kicked some other dude out for something or other. That's when zombie drunk guy came back.

These two mental midgets decided they didn't like one another. Zombie took off his jacket and flexing his baby gap muscles. Genius 2 was making fun of Zombie's neck tattoo. I got between them and held our stringy zombie gangster at bay. A strong wind would have knocked him over on his best day, and today was not even close to his best day.

After while a cop happened to walk by and looked the kid. "Hey, get in a cab or go to jail."
"Ohh, you think you're so fucking tough, fucking cop!" the kid slurred.
"Nope, but you need to leave"
"Oh, what are you gonna do, you can't do shit" the kid informed the cop, arms out like Michael Flatley.
"Ok," the cop replied.
I was standing not far off (Like this big cop needed back up) and couldn't help but laugh as this kid kept trying to put the cop down, and the cop kept letting him talk, making the kid more and more angry. A second cop arrived so I took my leave.

Nick and I were standing by the door a few minutes later when Zombie kid decided to take things a little too far. He head faked one of the cops and cocked his fist back. He got straight armed to the face by one cop as another tackled him. He was face down on the sidewalk with both hands behind his back  in a heartbeat, shivering like an idiot in his tiny little wife beater.

Had he just gotten in the cab he would have woken up with a hang over. But now he's going to wake up in a cell. He'll be charged for possession of whatever drugs the cops found on him, and for assaulting and officer, and public intoxication.

But hey, he sure told that cop didn't he!?

Grumpy Old Men

I had to stop a geriatric fight the other night. A dirty old man, in his late 60s I'd guess, came in and got fantastically drunk. Like, wow drunk.

We had to remove him for being a dick. Touching the girls in their no-no areas, picking fights, being overly exhuberant etc.

I asked him to leave but he didn't see it my way so I took his arm and turned him towards the door and started to guide him out. He spun back and screamed "Don't put your hands on me" That, by the way, is the most offensive thing you can do to a drunk, is put your hands on them. Never mind that he's been pawing at some poor young beer tart all night long, but I've mortally offended this gentleman by putting my hands on his shoulders. The injustice of it all!!

I said fine, head to the door and I won't touch you again. Rinse and repeat. 3 more times before we hit the door he's stopped leaving, I've had to nudge him along and drawn his ire and indignation. Outside he let me know how he really felt about me. I wished him a good night as he turned to walk away. As he did he caught his coat on the little post we use for the velvet ropes in front of the door. He got spun around backwards, lost his balance and wiped out, stands and ropes piling on top of him. His hat and glasses go flying. It was like a yard sale. The whole thing would have been comical if he hadn't been running the risk of breaking a hip. He stood up, pointed at me and screamed "He fucking punched me" I was a good 10 feet away from where he started to fall in the first place.

The smokers he was addressing just looked at him and one said, "No, he didn't"
My drunken grandpa staggered over over to them, shuffling like a nursing home zombie, "Yes he did!!" By now I had scooped up his hat and glasses and handed them back. He took them without looking at me, elbowed me in the gut playfully and said "He didn't really punch me, I'm just gonna get him in trouble."
"Good to know"

He ambled toward a cab when suddenly a guy screams "Gord, you mother fucker" A second old guy (Lets call him Bert) lunges and starts shaking poor Gord. Bert's 20 something son and I pry them apart, both old farts now screaming about the world of hurt they're going to put on each other.
"Gord owes me sixty bucks! I'm gonna kick the shit out of him"
"Not here"
"How far away do I have to take him to kick his ass then"
"Far enough away that I can't see it and call the cops, but why don't you deal with this when you're both sober"
"Cause I haven't seen the cocksucker in 3 years, if I don't kick his ass now I won't ever see him again"
Meanwhile Gord is stepping side to side like a little old punch drunk boxer screaming things like "Lets go, I'll fight you hear and now you shit head, you turd, you stupid-" at this point he ran out of clever insults.

I looked at Bert and his son "Hey, he owes you 60 bucks? But he's been ducking your for 3 years? Money well spent don't you think?"
Bert started to laugh and went for a smoke, his son rambling on and on about how he was just trying to keep the peace. Yeah, yeah, no one cares jr.

At some point Gord got his wrinkly old ass into a cab and slammed the door.

Bert and his son were awfully hurt I wouldn't let them back in after their attempt at a geriatric smack down. They promised they'd never return.

Punch Drunk Love

"Man, we haven't had a fight in a while."
The second he said it we both knew we were jinxed. I just didn't know how much.

I was working the door hours later when someone I didn't know said, "Hey, you need to get in there." I looked up and there's the manager holding a guy back, two bouncers dragging people in different directions and a guy with a serious cut on his head. By the time I got there Ty was trying to get the guy with the cut to come with him so he could clean him up and stop the bleeding. The guy's girlfriend, not understanding, punches Ty in the face. I held her back and explained to her that she was bad. Bad, bad, bad, and tapped her on the nose with my finger. That confused her. Fine. The guys were taking the bad guys outside.

I walked over to see whats happening with the manager and a second fight breaks out. Some guy flies across the bar and smacks another guy, the one the manager was holding, right in the face. The other guy breaks free and tackles the first. I end up holding the one guy down while someone else started pulling them apart. These guys are both regulars. I pinned the first guy down and told him if he let go we wouldn't let guy on top hit him. Amazingly it happened just like that. The first guy chills out and I let him up. I was about to find out what happened when another fight erupted at the door. FFS!! Fortunately the bartenders and the manager are on top of this one.

So I ran over. Pure pandemonium. Every bouncer is tangled up with someone. The cook is trying to pull a guy off Ty (how the hell did he get out front so quick?) and another guy who's trying to help Ty punched our cook in the face because he didn't understand the situation. Ty gets some guy into a guillotine choke so I try to pull them apart before Ty really hurts him. Meanwhile, some OTHER guy is screaming hysterically about how he's going to kill some one, and being held back by our 130lb DJ. (That is the mark of a guy who wants to seem like he wants to fight but doesn't want to fight, being held back by a 130lb DJ)

Finally we get it all settled. Everyone on their feet. People heading towards cabs. Everyone dusting themselves off. Then someone breathed. Or a twig snapped. Or something, but it was back on. Bodies started flying everywhere. One guy turns and sucker punches some hippy french dude in the face. I heard it more than saw it. James grabs the guy, then some guy grabbed James from behind in a choke hold. Ty pulls that guy off just as James was rolling out of it and starts punching him in the face. Hard. I grabbed the sucker puncher and he started to flail so I put him in a head and arm. James turned around and slugged him about 3 times. I could feel the impacts through this guys body.

So I finally drag the guy down into a bush and pin him. The guy started losing his shit. I mean freaking out hard, like I was holding his head under water, begging me to get everyone off of him. I tell him to calm down. I look, and the DJ has his legs pinned down. We finally let him up and I escort him to a cab where his more reasonable friend is trying to get hysterical screamer guy into a cab.

Now I realize the guys I'm fighting with all love me. They all went to my high school back east. We even went to the same elementary school, just 10 years apart it seems. Everything was cool earlier in the evening, they were hugging me and telling me how happy they were to see another Maritimer, so I don't know what the hell happened. By then they were in a cab and they all wanted to shake my hand and apologise. I'm thinking "Fuck, don't apologize, just don't punch people in the face."Finally they drove away.

I went back inside and there are the two dudes I ended up prying apart inside the bar earlier, sitting together having a beer. I looked at the manager and he said "they're getting along, having a beer, its more trouble having them leave than to just let them hash it out" Great. I saw how they "hash it out" earlier, but I guess they can enjoy their love-in for the time being.

It took a half hour to get them all out at the end of the night, tensions were still running high, but eventually they all left.

I had a seriously enjoyable beer after that. And I think it's time for a raise, don't you? That's my new survey question. Do you think Luke needs a raise There are only two answers. Yes, and Fuck Yeah!

Police Story

Tonight a girl I haven't seen in a while came in. We used to be friends. New Years eve she punched a guy in the face and probably broke his nose. We kicked her out. She came back tonight with some friends for the first time since. She didn't talk to me or look at me, she just walked by, got her stamp and moved on.

Later in the evening I heard she was harassing some really drunk girl. The I heard the really drunk girl was harassing her as well. I told one of the guys to kick out the most drunk of the two. Eventually my friend decided to leave on her own. Perfect.

Later, the other drunk girl came up to me and started to explain that she was undercover, working for the 2 cops that had just done a walk through. She was investigating my old friend and if I could just kick her out the cops would arrest her. I asked drunk girl for her badge.  She walked away.

The "Undercover cop" left a little later. She came back after hours and asked if she could do her walk through. Official police business. I asked her for a warrant. She didn't have one.