Bad Asssssss...

There’s a group of regulars who come in, they’re all between 18 and early 20’s. They usually hang out by, or in, the DJ booth. Our DJ is pretty awesome. They are usually a fun bunch, but they do bring a lot of drama with them. Every couple of weeks someone ends up crying. Sometimes it’s the girls.

Last weekend a few of them came in and I noticed (we all noticed), that one of the girls’ shorts were so short that her ass was hanging out. Not a big deal but not all that common for our bar. About a half hour later they were out smoking and we over heard her discussing whether or not her ass was actually hanging out of her jean shorts. She concluded that it was not. Suddenly all the bouncers and a couple other guys started loudly mumbling to themselves in that tone that’s an octave or two higher than normal. “yeeehhh, I don’t think you’re right, there…” and “yeaaahhh..your ass might be a liiiiitle bit hanging outside your shorts shorts….” (see. Drunk Uncle from SNL).

She snapped her head up at us and pulled down the cuffs of her shorts. “Well don’t look at it you perverts!!” she spat.

“Hang on, hang on!” is said putting my hands up. “You walk in here with your ass hanging out all over the place, but I’m some kind of pervert because I can see it? Yeah, that makes sense sweetheart”

She started to tell us we were perverts again but the guys in the group were already clapping and laughing. “THANK you!” one of them cheered.

She stood there and smoked angrily while her friends laughed at her expense. She got over it quick enough and skipped inside. “Good to see you” I called after.

Later that night she made her ex-boyfriend cry. It was a pretty good night all in all!.

Girls Just Want to Have Fun

There was a girl fight tonight at the bar. It started inside and Andrew escorted one out, then someone else got another out. Later a second girl fight broke out outside. There were about 4 or 5 involved. We started pulling them apart. At the core was a pair of girls seriously entangled. It took three of us to get them apart.

Girl fights are different from guy fights. Basically they each just grab a couple hands full of hair and start pulling. It's impossible to get them apart. Scientifically speaking, the bond between two girls fighting is stronger than that of velcro, Crazy Glue, the gravitational pull between the earth and the moon, and a cat on a screen door.

If you ever need to tow something and don't have rope just put a girl on your car and another on whatever you're towing (boat, wagon, another car or truck, a couple of sea-doos, a stump, whatever it doesn't matter) Tell one of them the other said she was fat, or stupid, or a whore. Pick whatever she's sensitive about, it doesn't matter, but the more true it is the better results you'll get. There's no sense in telling a skinny whore she's fat, cause she knows she's not fat, she's a whore. If you don't know...go with whore. Chances are, if they're fighting, one of them's a whore. That's just science.

Once their hands are firmly buried in each others 'do you can pretty much pull them anywhere. You're more likely to break an axel than have two feral bar stars dislodge from one another. Realistically, you're more likely to tear one of them in half before you get them apart. You need to be careful of that. That's a mess you don't want to clean up.  That's why I usually try to use the smaller bar stars. Go for something in the waif, or twig strain. They're just as strong but easier to install and way easier to clean up if you break one.

Now, no matter what happens, one will cry. She will be the one with the messiest hair. There will be running make-up and possibly mucus. Don't touch either.

She'll want to touch her face and hair, but she's afraid to because she knows it's messy up there. Faced with a horrible dilemma her arms will freeze like a deer in clown makeup. In headlights.  She will turn around in circles with her arms up like she's carrying invisible logs to an invisible fire that's evading her somehow. She's looking for her friends.

Don't worry about that. Get out of the way before she notices you and decides you might be some sort of emotional support. She'll eventually stop spinning and get into a cab with an idiot. It's a fact.

The other one, the non-cryer, will be standing around nearby calling the cryer a whore. Remember, it doesn't matter if she's a whore or not. Don't worry about that. Eventually the non cryer will get into a cab with an idiot. That's just physics. And biology.


On that note, St. Paddy's day party tomorrow! Let's see what happens.

Tron

Man, all I can say is, if a whole room full of people think you're too drunk to stay, just leave. Tomorrow morning, when at least 1 asshole is waking up in a drunk tank with various charges levied against him, I'll be in my warm bed dreaming of all the beautiful women I got to draw on with glowing ink pens. My two favorite things! Art and attractive women!

Tonight was our second glow party. DJ Plan B and DJ Remedy, our two house spinners brought glow sticks, and balloons, a gorgeous body painter, and lots of glowing pens for us to play with.

Hundreds of people showed up in their best white and neon outfits. The place looked like it was on another planet. Glowing bracelets and necklaces, glowing body paint, glowing shirts, and hats and glasses. It was like watching fire flies get jiggy with it.

It was like Tron 2. But interesting. And sexy.

Undercover Blues

Theres a woman who comes in and gets very very intoxicated on a regular basis. She's a bit of trouble maker but not to the point that its a problem. Yet.

Last week she was running around telling our staff she was an undercover cop. She tried to get in after close to "do my walk through". One of the guys said sure, lets see your badge. She left

Last night she came in and told three of the bouncers that she failed her undercover test because we wouldn't let her in. Oh...thats really too bad! 

When I couple of real cops came in I was telling one of them about it and he burst out laughing. "Yeah, that's the hall mark of good undercover cop. Telling everyone you're undercover"

Later in the evening we kicked out Undercover for pushing out manager for being "too stiff"

Tank Girl

So yeah, got punched by a girl tonight. Right in the face too.

I saw the DJ explaining things to a bouncer on the other side of the bar. He looked like he was doing semaphore. I didn't think much of it. Our bar is loud. People talk with their hands. Oh look, something shiny.

I stepped back to the door when a little tiny girl came over pointing. I couldn't hear her but the owner of the club tapped me and said, "Fight" pointing to the dance floor. Ok, no problem, I could see James was on it. I walked over and he was pushing some guy out. There was a girl trying to stop them but James was bowling the two of them over.

Finally they got free from the throng of people and buddy started swinging. I got on the opposite side of him, grabbed an arm and we, there might of been a third bouncer by now, walked him out. When we got to the door his girlfriend, cute little thing in hot pink pants, punched me in the face.

We pushed the guy out and he started going nuts. He was swinging fists at everyone. Suddenly I saw the girlfriend fly by me, James pushing her out of the way. Later I found out the cops had James hang on to her while they were dealing with what I was up to. Douchey McPunchalot started bellowing something and headed toward them. I stepped in the way and he took a swing. I don't know when during this whole exchange he caught me with a punch, but he did. The only thing I could think when it happened was "Huh, the girlfriend hits harder"

I got to the end of my patience and tripped McPunchalot, landing on top of him. I drove my elbow into his face and asked him if he really wanted to fight any more. About the third time I asked I heard someone say "Ok partner, I think he's had enough." I looked up and saw cop boots. Only cops wear cop boots. So I hopped up. Fortunately for me was one of the cooler cops in town that I've got a little bit of rapport with. He took it from there, and lifted a crying McPunchalot off the ground. I've said it before. If you're the type of guy to start fights, you can't cry when it doesn't go your way. Seriously!

After about 10 minutes of interviewing them I wandered toward their car. The cop with the boots came over and asked what happened. I told him what had happened inside up till I got punched in the face by a girl. He laughed and said that and she was a real charmer. He told me they'd put them in a cab and if they came back to call. I said sure, then I appologized for driving this guys face into the gravel multiple times. Caught up in the moment I was.  The cop laughed and said "These things happen"

Later pink pants came back to look for her leather jacket and thought I was a dick for not letting her stay to find it. It never turned up at the end of the night. Probably stolen. That makes me kind of happy

Police Story

Tonight a girl I haven't seen in a while came in. We used to be friends. New Years eve she punched a guy in the face and probably broke his nose. We kicked her out. She came back tonight with some friends for the first time since. She didn't talk to me or look at me, she just walked by, got her stamp and moved on.

Later in the evening I heard she was harassing some really drunk girl. The I heard the really drunk girl was harassing her as well. I told one of the guys to kick out the most drunk of the two. Eventually my friend decided to leave on her own. Perfect.

Later, the other drunk girl came up to me and started to explain that she was undercover, working for the 2 cops that had just done a walk through. She was investigating my old friend and if I could just kick her out the cops would arrest her. I asked drunk girl for her badge.  She walked away.

The "Undercover cop" left a little later. She came back after hours and asked if she could do her walk through. Official police business. I asked her for a warrant. She didn't have one.