Flash Dance

We have a lot of Brazilian guys that hang out in our bar. I don’t know why they’re here, or what they’re doing but they’re always in, every  weekend. And there’s about 3 groups of them. They all seem to know each other, but they don’t hang out together. It’s very weird. Lately they’ve been a problem. They’re having trouble with the concept of ‘no’.

We threw one of them out last weekend. He was dancing with a girl and decided to plant a big, wet, surprising, and very much unwanted kiss on her. He then argued with her when she got mad and told him to get lost. This week, I don’t know what he did but, he pissed off some other girl and wouldn't take no for an answer. Our Bulgarian bouncer, and resident human pretzel maker, was particularly irked by the young man’s lack of respect for women and threw him out.

This is the same Brazilian guy who was handing out half empty bottles of beer that he found on abandoned tables a few weeks back. All class, this one. So he hung out outside the door for about an hour, explaining to everyone who would listen that this was NOT his fault. At one point two of our bartenders were outside by the wall having a smoke. Brazil was going on about how, it’s all the girls’ fault, they dance with him all sexy and then they tell him no. It’s not fair. Then he proceeded to double over and twerk up against one of our male bartenders, pinning him up against the wall with his ass. Our guy managed to wriggle away after only a few seconds of awkward dry humping. He tossed his smoke and headed back in. On his way by I cracked, “Was it good for you?” He laughed and shook his head.

Anyway, Brazil is taking a few weeks off from the bar so he can think about his attitude towards women. And bartenders.

Happy Friday everyone! Wonder what we have in store for tonight! 

The Prince of Persia

Its about 9:30 on a Saturday night. I'm out front chatting with someone, Ty's working the door for me. This middle eastern looking dude in designer jeans and a track suit jacket, with enough gel in his hair to make Jersey Shore jealous, marches to the door. Ty puts up his hand in the international symbol for ID please (its the same symbol as "his penis was only this long" between a crooked finger and thumb) and says "Hey man, got your ID?"

The guy doesn't even slow down and says "No" and keeps marching. Ty puts his arm and a leg in front  of the guy to impede his progress and says. "You can't come in without ID".

The guy spins around and marches the other way. As he passes me he says "I'll fucking shoot this place up" and bee lines to his car. On his way he kicks over an innocent shopping cart. By this time all the bouncers are near the door and we start laughing. Helmet Hair opens his trunk and starts fishing around. We started speculating about what he might come up with. Maybe a gun, but most likely a tire iron or a pair of Dolce Gabbanna sunnies.

Finding exactly nothing useful, Hair Gel gets back in his beamer and guns it out of his parking stall. Demonstrating his wrath he whipped through the parking lot, only slowing down for speed bumps and traffic signs. Grrr.

James said the funniest thing I've heard in a while. "Maybe when he get his gun he'll remember his ID while he's at it."

We never saw track suit hair gel guy again that night, but I have a feeling he will be back. I'm packing an entire overnight case of hair products in anticipation.

Drugstore Cowboy

A guy wanders up to the bar. Then he falls down. The bartender says to him, "Hey man, y'all right?"

"Yeah I'm fine, can I buy three MDMA?" says the drunk, holding out $20.

"I think you're in the wrong bar buddy, time to go" says the bartender, who flagged down Andrew, who walked the guy out. 

The guy went out easy enough. But then he tried to come back in.

"I've got a stamp!" he protested when we stopped him at the door.

"Sorry, you're done for the night" I said and he staggered away.

Later he ambled up again, this time, hiding behind 2 other patrons who were entering. He almost got away with it too. Except that instead of being invisible he was wearing a day glow orange hoodie and was right in front of me. I stopped him again and gave him a gentle push in the opposite direction.

He held his arm up again showing me his stamp. I shook my head and he went back to his friends to regroup. He must of thought we couldn't hear him on the other side of the velvet rope that divided us because he was saying some fairly unpleasant things about us. 

He made one more desperate attempt to get in and we gently shoved him off again. He shuffled off into the night. 

Pump Up The Volume

I went into work the other day after the gym to catch the end of the hockey game. One of the bouncers was sitting at the bar looking particularly green. He was supposed to be bartending but he wasn't well. Seems the night before he got very very drunk playing beer pong. He got so drunk actually that he needed to go to the emergency room and have his stomach pumped the next morning.

Poor guy, I'm taking him to the gym today. We're doing abs and cardio. I think I might be sadistic.