To Be Over-Served and Protect

So some big guy got into a fight with one of the regulars, a smaller, albeit feisty guy, who I get along with. A good Maritimes boy. Well, not a fight exactly but there was some shoving and it would have been a fight. But our bouncers came flying out of everywhere, I grabbed the smaller guy and walked him out with no troubles, he left like a champ on his own steam. By the time I got back the big guy was flailing around and ended up in a heap on the floor. 

From his back, surrounded by our door staff, he tried a different tact, acting all innocent and confused, like, why are we manhandling him? We finally got him out the door and once outside he lost his shit, started screaming that he’s gonna sue the place, that the regular he was scuffling with was an asshole who got in his face because he was yelling at some chick who told him off. He stood outside like a jackass for 10 solid minutes.

Come to find out, the big creepy douche is a cop from a nearby city. And so are his two friends. One of them pulled his badge out after losing a shoving match with one of our guys.  Another came over to hear what the girls involved in the scuffle had to say to me about what happened. Every time she said something he would cut her off.

“He kept touching me…”
“What do you mean ‘touching you’ “ he’d interrupt.
“We told him to leave us alone and he kept harassing me…”
“What do you mean harassing” he’d interrupt aggressively. This went on until she was done.

He walked away to find his buddies, the tall prick still arguing his case that he was in fact the victim in this situation. They finally got Big and Creepy into a cab and left.

At 2:30 we got a call from the cops, they heard about the incident and wanted to hear what happened. We said yeah sure, come on in. Well, it was the two buddies of Big and Creepy. They never actually said they were working, that I recall, but talked about how they work undercover, said they were trying to blend in, asked what happened etc. etc. all leading us all to believe that they were in fact on duty for some reason. We all chatted for about 10 minutes and they left.  I think we’ve got a pretty good rapport with the local cops. They come by to check on things from time to time and we usually all chat a bit and have a laugh at our clientèle. But these three guys were dicks.

The next day I watched the video of the fight. It happened exactly the way the girls explained it to me. Big and Creepy chatting them up, getting shot down, getting aggressive, getting into a fight. Seems his big, bald, creepy ego can’t handle rejection and he reacts by picking fights with little girls; and guys half his size.

My boss spoke with the police department. From what I’ve heard, it turns out these guys weren’t on duty at all. They were just full of shit. So now I really hope Big and Creepy does try and sue the bar. I would LOVE to show his bosses the video of him serving and protecting.  

The Sound of Music

I walked into the bar one day to visit a friend who was working a slow shift. As I sat down I heard some guy singing along (badly) with the music. I looked back towards the VLTs and the bartender and the waitress just sort of rolled their eyes. Apparently the guy had been there all day getting smashed and pumping his pay check into the machine. Cool.

He hollered that he needed another drink. The whole time she's taking his order, or delivering his drink he was talking. Half rambling, half flirting, and wholly making an ass of himself.

Finally she told him she was serving him his last drink. He was amiable about being cut off and happily took his rye and ginger. About 5 minutes later he said "Ok, I'll take 1 more double and then I'll settle up" he said.

The waitress apologized, said she couldn't serve him anymore and said when ever he was ready he could come up and pay. He argued a little, but she was firm. So he went and asked the bartender for a drink. She said no. That's when he decided he didn't order everything that was on his bill and the waitress was ripping him off. She explained his tab and he paid, saying that his change better be there cause she was a bitch who was bitch who was stealing from him. The bartender told he couldn't talk to her waitresses like that. He then announced that the bartender was a bitch and she could go fuck herself. Thats when I decided he should probably just go home.

I stood up and said "Alright pal time to leave" he did the exact thing drunk assholes do. He literally screamed "DON"T YOU FUCKING TOUCH ME!!"  What is it with drunks not being touched? Anyway, I stepped between him and the bar and started walking him towards the door. He scrambled backwards telling me he'd kick my ass. Then he stumbled and half grabbed my arm trying not to fall over. So we got into a little shoving match.

Suddenly he stopped and said he'd meet me outside. Then he ran and jumped in the air, kicking the door open on his way and ran into the night. I shrugged and turned around. One of my buddies had stood up and had my back, so that was nice. We laughed about the drunk in the parking lot waiting for a guy twice his size to come out and pound him into paste. I wondered how long he'd wait.

I got my answer a second later when he stuck his head in the door and screamed that I was a pussy. Then, in a great off balanced swooping arc he threw a handful of change at us. Most of it hit the ceiling about 10 feet ahead of him and bounced back down onto the floor.  I got up again and he turned and ran off into the night.  He'll be missed.

Meatballs

I haven't worked as a bouncer at the bar for some time now. But I do hang out there from time to time. Every-so-often I'll notice some knuckle dragging meat head looking at me, with his head cocked to the side like a dog, trying to figure out where he knows me from. Usually its from kicking them out of a bar.

One night I stopped for a drink on the way home. I sat down only to realize I was 2 seats down from  meat head.  I ordered a beer and chatted with the bartender. Eventually Meathead and his buddy noticed me. They sat and whispered while I sat and drank. After about 10 minutes of this he saunters over and asks if I remember him.

"Yeah, didn't I throw you out of here for fighting?" I said.
"Yeah, well, I wanna know the name of the guy who sucker punched me, where can I find him?" he said.
"I dunno, I think his name was J. but that's all I know" I said.
"How come you treated him better than me that night" he said, agitated.
"I didn't. You got into a fight, I threw you out, someone else threw him out"
"Yeah?" he said, sullenly "I think he's your buddy, that's why you treated him better than me"
"He's not my buddy, like I said, you get into a fight, you get thrown out. That's how it works at every bar in Alberta man. As a matter of fact, I let you stick around and talk to the manager because you said he was a friend of yours"
By this time a couple of friends of mine had shown up and sat with me. Meathead was holding onto one of those giant 1 litre beer glasses like he was gonna swing it. The bartender, some new guy looked like he was going to pee himself.

Meat head starts again, asking where the guy who sucker punched him was, I gave him the same answer, then he asked why I treated the other guy better...seriously, reread the last paragraph, twice more, that's how our circular conversation went.

Finally I said, "You know, its your fault you got fucking sucker punched eh.We watched the video cameras after. You were up on the dance floor all shit faced slamming into everyone. You slammed into that guy and he clocked you. Simple as that."
He looked at me, furrowed his impressive sloping brow and said "There's no cameras in here"

His buddy, who was actually doing a pretty good job at keeping the peace up till now said "yeah dude, they're all over...look" We waved his arms expansively, revealing a ceiling covered in security eyes.

Meathead furrowed his brow again "Yeah, well, the manager showed me the tapes and I didn't slam into anyone"
"Wait, you just said there were no cameras, so which is it?"

Meathead didn't have an answer for that, he just readjusted his grip on the giant beer glass. Meanwhile one of the regulars had circled around Meathead and looked as if he'd pounce like a feral cat if that glass came off the counter too fast. "Yeah, well, I think you've got some sort of problem with me" Meathead said, like a child.

I was getting tired of this, I stood up "Yeah man, I do have a problem with you. I didn't, but I do now. You're standing here harassing me about a fight you got into over a year ago. As a matter of fact, I seem to remember pulling a guy off you, and stopping another guy from punching you in the back of the head. Then you went out back and whined to the manager for an hour, and told me you were a Hell's Angel (he isn't) and that I better watch who I was fucking with. So yeah dude, I've got a problem with you."

He just looked at me. You could hear tiny wheels turning behind his dull eyes, squeeking, straining..."I don't believe that"
I shrugged, turned and sat down with my back to him.
He stood a moment longer, then walked away "Fuck this, lets get the fuck out of here" he said to his buddy. He trudged out, his buddy in tow.

The bartender stopped holding his breath and looked at me. "You guys were making me nervous" I just laughed and told him not to worry about it.

Meathead ended up at someone's house after that and told everyone he would have kicked my ass if all my friends weren't there. I guess the 10 minutes he had before my friends showed up wasn't enough time to get that job done.

Anyway, the guy he's looking for had been a regular at the bar for about 2 months. I had spoken to him a few times and it turns out he had just gotten out of jail after a 14 year stint in Dorchester for beating a guy to death with a baseball bat for sleeping with his wife. He never came back after the fight with Meathead. But yeah...I'll definitely reacquaint Meathead with him if I ever get the chance. I'm sure it'll work out for him.

Dumb and dumberer

I love female police officers. They have a no bullshit attitude towards their jobs. They don't take shit off of anyone and they're efficient once they make a decision. And I don't know, I think there's something about a woman in uniform.... All kidding aside, full on respect for our female police officers.

They all look like this right?

So we talked to these two guys about not arm wrestling in the bar. One of them, lets call him Dick, got pretty agitated and excited. He recognized one of our bouncers from high school and said he'd behave but to keep that guy (our bouncer) away from him. On his way out for a smoke he stopped by the bouncer (who went to work the door to steer clear of the guy for a bit) and said something along the lines of "Oh by the way, I fucked your girlfriend", then  continued to shout things at him while smoking.

Since the guy was a dick, I walked over, handed the him the stuff he'd left inside and told him not to come back. That didn't go over well. He demanded to know why. I told Dick, "You're insulting our staff, you're too hyper, too agressive and I don't want you in here" He insisted on seeing the manager, claimed we had his ID (we didn't) and started telling me about his rights. He told me that we needed to call the cops because we were violating his rights. You know, his right to come into our establishment, act like a fucking asshole for a few hours, treat the staff like shit, and come and go as he pleases. Those rights.

Just as he was saying that a cop drove by. I had spoken to this RCMP officer earlier about something else and she was really great to deal with. So I flagged her down. I told her the guy was asked to leave, wouldn't leave the premises and wanted to speak to her about his rights. As we were talking he sauntered up and started to complain. She ordered him to back off till we were done. He slinked away. When I finished I walked back to the door and he went over to plead his case. I could hear her telling him he had to leave.

I don't know what else was said but she drove away. He stood there stupidly till she left and came back to the door, starting to say something about coming back in. Suddenly, she appeared out of no where and threw cuffs on him. "I told you to leave, now you're going to jail" Dick thought this was relatively unfair and let us know his feelings.

At this point his big tall lanky stupid friend tried to pull the guys arm from the cop's grasp. Had one of our bouncers not grabbed him and pulled him back I'm pretty sure he would have gotten tasered. I really wish had gotten tasered. Seriously, morons getting tasered would be the highlight of my night.

Big tall and lanky went on and on about how his friend shouldn't be arrested because he was going to be a father in January. I don't know if he thought the guy was going away for 8 months for public drunkenness, or if maybe having impregnated some poor girl with your idiot genes was some sort of legal defence against being arrested at all, but he was very adamant that this pregnancy was of the utmost importance. I think, to be fair to the child, and society in general,Dick should give up the child for adoption immediately. Dick isn't smart enough or mature enough be around other human beings in a public place, let alone have a child.

As Dick was getting arrested, Lanky walked over to the car, once again almost getting tasered, and asked the cop to take his number down so Dick could call him when he got freed. She said no, that it wasn't her job. So Lanky says the funniest/pathetic thing I've heard a drunk say in a while, "Yeah, I guess it's not your job to care." Aww, poor guys.

So Dick went off to the tank, and Lanky stood outside for two hours smoking and insulting us until the rest of his friends (friends, noun: guys who stay in the bar and drink after you've been kicked out for being too stupid to be in a bar) came out and left.

I think I'm gonna buy a taser.

Wanted - A Friday night in early May

This dude walks in. Typical douche bag attire.

Affliction shirt, big chain, designer douche bag jeans, couple sleeves, in decent shape but walking around like he's carrying two heavy invisible suitcases. I already dislike this guy from a couple other times he's been in.

At some point he left and I didn't see him for a while. One of the guys asked me if I'd seen where he went but I didn't know. Well, seems a girl inside thinks he drugged her drink. Oh, I said not terribly surprised. Well, I'll keep and eye out and won't let him back in.

The next time I saw him he was in cuffs. Apparently our friend decided to take a leak on the side of the bar, in front of a cop car. (The bar was half empty, there was no line up, he just decided the side of the building was as good a place as any) While they were writing up his $300 ticket they ran his name and found out he had outstanding warrants somewhere else.  He spent the next hour in the back of a cop car while they figured out what to do with him. Meanwhile, I sent the girl who thought she was drugged home. (and I'm no crime scene investigator but I don't really think she was) She didn't want to leave, but I told her if she'd been drugged she needed to go to the hospital. If not, she was FAR to drunk or high to stay at the bar. She left unhappy.

Later, Captain Douche gets cut loose from the cops. He asked if he could come in and I said no. He started to plead his case and I told him I just don't care. He asked me if I could call him a cab. I pointed to the 2 that were parked 10 feet away. He shook his head, stopping to yell at the "drugged" girl's friends, informing them that they were bitches. Class act the whole way.

Later Dave walked out with a guy and told me that he stole a shot from the shooter girl. The guy said something along the lines of its not fair you won't hear my side of the story. He tried to come back in but I said no. Then he decided to try the "oh I've got a tab" routine. "No you don't" I said.
He argued with me for a while and finally said "So I got a bunch of free shots then? Thanks alot" and stuck out his hand. "I'm not going to shake your hand" I said.
"No, cause you're disrespectful" he replied. Well that pissed me off.
"Yeah, You're a thief but I'm the desrespectful one? Dipshit" (Ok, to be fair, dipshit is kind of a lame insult, but it was in the heat of the moment.)
He made fun of me for calling him a dipshit and stood around smoking for a few minutes. Oh, yeah, he didn't have a tab.

As Dipshit was leaving, Dave walked out another girl who had just done the same thing. She left on her own. Seems dipshits come in female too. Who knew?

Sucker Punch Two

Back around Halloween we threw a Halloween party. This one dude got into a fight with a couple of guys, and threw a fit when we told him to leave. It wasn't his fault. Of course it wasn't. Lets call him Punchy.

The next day Punchy's wife wrote a scathing article about how horrible we bouncers are letting fights happen. The fact that we threw her husband out for fighting was lost in her I suppose.

Anyway, Friday night the husband came back. I didn't see him come in, or I didn't recognise him and let him in. Either way, he broke through our defence. About 1am someone told me there was a fight. Guess who. By the time I'd gotten there, James had it under control. Punchy was arguing that it wasn't his fault. His friends were pretty animated about the whole thing. James had him pay his bill. With 2 other guys there, I left them to it and went back to my cosy little corner of the world at the front door.

When I arrived there some guy started screaming at me about letting someone sucker punch him. I didn't see what happened, so I told him "I didn't see what happened." Well, I might was well have told him his mother was a donkey sucking ditch whore (i'm sure she is). He flung his hands up angrily and stomped around, infurated that I would let this happen to him.  As James put it, "Thats why it's called a sucker punch, cause you don't see it coming"

Well, it turns out what happened is Punchy was talking to his friends and the angry bleeding guy approached him thinking he was someone else. Realizing he'd made a mistake he put his hand out in apology giving Punchy the opportunity to do what he does best, and get all punchy. So, he sucker punched the guy.

But of course, it wasn't his fault. Innocent victim. Poor guy.

The Lincoln Lawyer

Some kid walked out of the bar Friday night. He got outside, pulled a drink from under his shirt, drank it and tossed the glass in the bushes. I didn't see it, i was distracted by something shiny. Or boobs. Anyway, my buddy Nick saw it and grabbed the glass.

When the kid came back I told him he couldn't come back and told him why. He shook his head because I was being unreasonable. Later he came back with his more sober buddy acting as his advocate.

"Why can't he come back in" asked my new intellectual foe.
"He came out with a drink and threw the glass in the bushes"
"So?" His come back was swift and punishing. It took me a few moments to think of an adequate retort.
"So you can't do that"
"Where's the glass?" he asked, looking around for exhibit A.
"Inside where it belongs"
"Yeah, so what, we got that glass at a strip joint and brought it in with us when we got here" he said, explaining how right he was and how wrong I was.
"Well, you can't do that either" I explained, unsure where he was going with this. I looked at Nick to object but his expressionf said "I'll allow it" so I didn't bother.
"Why'd you let us in with a glass then?" my adversary demanded.
"I didn't see you take it in" I said.
"Good fucking job bouncing" he said, delivering a killing blow.
He then proceeded towards the door. I stuck my hand out and pulled him back out of the bar. "You're done, go home" I said.
He muttered under his breath and walked away shaking his head. He stood near by smoking and remarking loudly about how dumb bouncers are.

Ten minutes later he and his buddy came back with their hats pulled down over their faces. We stopped them again and told them to leave. They asked why. I can't remember what I said. I think it was "because you're an asshole" but I'm not sure.

They finally left for good.

The next night they walked in again. I saw them at the back of the line. I walked to where they waited and told them they might as well just turn around and leave, they weren't coming in.
"Why?" the smart one asked.
"Because of all that shit that happened last night"
"We were just drunk" he reminded me.
"No, you were just an asshole, (that's when I said it!) so you can go cause you're not coming in here"
"But we were just drunk"he said.
"Yup, and an asshole, so you're not welcome here. Have a great night" I said and held the door open for him.

He shook his head again and muttered under his breath. I don't know what he said but I'm sure it wasn't nice. I wonder if he'll come back next week.

Open Water

Some genius was standing out front of the bar and decided to duck around the corner. Now there's only 2 reasons to duck around the corner of our bar. To smoke pot or to piss on the side of the building. Curiousity got the best of me and I ended up seeing this guy pissing the corner between the gym and the Staples next door.

When he came back I informed him he wasn't coming in. He asked why and I told him. He didn't seem to think that was a good enough reason.

"I didn't piss on your bar, I pissed on the gym next door"
"Well man, all the walls are connected and its all one big building"
"I didn't piss on the wall I pissed on the corner" he reasoned.
"Dude, we have a bathroom inside, there's no excuse for that"
"I was waiting for my friend" he argued.
"Yeah? Well I'm sure he wouldn't mind if you took 5 minutes to go inside. Its not like there's a line up.
"So I can't come in then?" he said.
"Not tonight. Come back tomorrow if you want."
"Well whats the difference if I come in tonight or tomorrow"
That actually threw me off a little. I had to think about that for a second. I'm not really sure what I said at that point. I think it was something clever like, "because I said so", or, "because you pissed on the wall tonight" Either way it wasn't the Gold Standard of comebacks.

However, I think tonight if he comes back I'll remind him what he said and tell him he was right. He shouldn't come in tonight.

9 to 5

I like that doing a google search for "Drunk Clock"
yeilds so many results!

Tuesday at 4:40. After only 4 drinks we've had to cut this little guy off (have I mentioned little guys are ALWAYS a problem?) He's proposed to every woman in the bar and just told me he spent the night in the drunk tank. Class act.

Well, at least it's not 2:30 on Tuesday.

Mall Cop

So here's a video of some mall cops taking down a "suspect". From what I read in the paper this morning the guy is 5'10, 135lbs and his crime at the time was sitting on an escalator step. He was on his way to a movie for a first date. Turns out he had some marijuana on him. He wasn't smoking it at the mall. He just had some.

I don't know how any of this started but I do know one thing. There's no reason for a security guard to walk up and start punching a guy in the ribs who's being pinned down by 5 other guys.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nCYB3iUhqf0

The other thing I know is that you should always assume you're being recorded. Everyone has a cellphone that records video now a days.

The Prince of Persia

Its about 9:30 on a Saturday night. I'm out front chatting with someone, Ty's working the door for me. This middle eastern looking dude in designer jeans and a track suit jacket, with enough gel in his hair to make Jersey Shore jealous, marches to the door. Ty puts up his hand in the international symbol for ID please (its the same symbol as "his penis was only this long" between a crooked finger and thumb) and says "Hey man, got your ID?"

The guy doesn't even slow down and says "No" and keeps marching. Ty puts his arm and a leg in front  of the guy to impede his progress and says. "You can't come in without ID".

The guy spins around and marches the other way. As he passes me he says "I'll fucking shoot this place up" and bee lines to his car. On his way he kicks over an innocent shopping cart. By this time all the bouncers are near the door and we start laughing. Helmet Hair opens his trunk and starts fishing around. We started speculating about what he might come up with. Maybe a gun, but most likely a tire iron or a pair of Dolce Gabbanna sunnies.

Finding exactly nothing useful, Hair Gel gets back in his beamer and guns it out of his parking stall. Demonstrating his wrath he whipped through the parking lot, only slowing down for speed bumps and traffic signs. Grrr.

James said the funniest thing I've heard in a while. "Maybe when he get his gun he'll remember his ID while he's at it."

We never saw track suit hair gel guy again that night, but I have a feeling he will be back. I'm packing an entire overnight case of hair products in anticipation.

The Heist

There's this little dick head who comes into the bar from time to time. He always wears a ball cap, has one of those whispy "I'm still going through puberty but no one's taught me to shave yet" moustaches, and a mullet. I shit you not, mullet is a style choice here. For more information on mullets click here.

One night dick head comes in with a half way attractive woman. Except they didn't arrive together. It wasn't until much later in the evening that I discovered a link between them  (this is what literary types call "foreshadowing") Let's give dick head a name. We'll call him Cross Eyed Mullet Guy. 

It was a pretty busy night and I was running around doing my bouncer thing. Toward the end of the night I saw Cross Eyed Mullet Guy leave with a fairly attractive young woman. I noticed he had a black purse in his hand. This is a fairly common occurence. Women come into the bar with a purse but somehow lack the ability to carry it back out, forcing their boyfriend, (or in many cases, their companion for the evening) to carry it for them. I watched Cross Eyed Mullet Guy carry the purse out thinking it must belong to the fairly attractive young lady he was leaving with. 

About five minutes later a nice lady with a Russian accent came up to me looking a little panicked and asked if anyone had seen a missing purse.  Even as I told her no, I knew where it had gone. Why didn't I stop that guy and ask him about the purse? The Russian lady and her friends searched the bar high and low before returning to me. I asked if it was a black purse with a big silver buckle and she said yeah. I told them I watched someone walk out with it. Damn.

One of them went outside and found the purse, completely empty, around the corner. Russia gave her info to the manager and I told one of the guys they were with to call the cops. They found most of her stuff around the corner from the bar, but all her cash and her phone were gone. I was so pissed off.

The next day we checked out the surveillance cameras and sure enough we saw the Russian on the dance floor hide her purse under a pile of coats (she could work for CSIS!). A little while later Cross Eyed Mullet Guy and the fairly attractive young lady wandered up to the table. While everyone was dancing she stuffed the purse into his jacket and the two of them walked out. You can even see a dumb ass bouncer wishing them a good night as they walk past. He looked a lot like me.

Later I discovered Russia didn't bother reporting the stolen purse. She had gotten most of her stuff back. Two weeks later I saw Cross Eyed Mullet Guy in line at the bar. I pointed him out to all my staff with instructions never to let him in. I also pointed him out to a Mountie who casually asked him and his buddy for their IDs. When Cross Eyed Mullet Guy finally got to the door I wouldn't let him in. He asked why and I told him he'd had too much to drink. He said he only had three beers. I said he should have stopped at two. When his buddies proceeded inside without him he asked me if we could have a "civil conversation" to which I said "No, now please move away from the door," and pushed him out of the way. He got mad and jumped in a cab.

I can't do anything about Cross Eyed Mullet Guy stealing the purse, but I will make sure he never steals from our clientele again. This will be my new game, every week I'm going to come up with a new reason why Cross Eyed Mullet Guy can't come into the bar after he's been standing in line for an hour. I'll keep you posted on how that goes! 

In the mean time, keep your stuff with you. If it won't fit in your pockets, leave it home, or hang out with someone who wears cargo pants! They won't mind carrying your shit, they'll just be happy someone invited them out somewhere in public!

Night of the Living Dead

Some jackass got so zombie drunk that we couldn't let him back in the bar. When his buddies couldn't get him into a cab Nick, one of our bigger door men helped wrestle the guy into one. An hour later we kicked some other dude out for something or other. That's when zombie drunk guy came back.

These two mental midgets decided they didn't like one another. Zombie took off his jacket and flexing his baby gap muscles. Genius 2 was making fun of Zombie's neck tattoo. I got between them and held our stringy zombie gangster at bay. A strong wind would have knocked him over on his best day, and today was not even close to his best day.

After while a cop happened to walk by and looked the kid. "Hey, get in a cab or go to jail."
"Ohh, you think you're so fucking tough, fucking cop!" the kid slurred.
"Nope, but you need to leave"
"Oh, what are you gonna do, you can't do shit" the kid informed the cop, arms out like Michael Flatley.
"Ok," the cop replied.
I was standing not far off (Like this big cop needed back up) and couldn't help but laugh as this kid kept trying to put the cop down, and the cop kept letting him talk, making the kid more and more angry. A second cop arrived so I took my leave.

Nick and I were standing by the door a few minutes later when Zombie kid decided to take things a little too far. He head faked one of the cops and cocked his fist back. He got straight armed to the face by one cop as another tackled him. He was face down on the sidewalk with both hands behind his back  in a heartbeat, shivering like an idiot in his tiny little wife beater.

Had he just gotten in the cab he would have woken up with a hang over. But now he's going to wake up in a cell. He'll be charged for possession of whatever drugs the cops found on him, and for assaulting and officer, and public intoxication.

But hey, he sure told that cop didn't he!?

Tank Girl

So yeah, got punched by a girl tonight. Right in the face too.

I saw the DJ explaining things to a bouncer on the other side of the bar. He looked like he was doing semaphore. I didn't think much of it. Our bar is loud. People talk with their hands. Oh look, something shiny.

I stepped back to the door when a little tiny girl came over pointing. I couldn't hear her but the owner of the club tapped me and said, "Fight" pointing to the dance floor. Ok, no problem, I could see James was on it. I walked over and he was pushing some guy out. There was a girl trying to stop them but James was bowling the two of them over.

Finally they got free from the throng of people and buddy started swinging. I got on the opposite side of him, grabbed an arm and we, there might of been a third bouncer by now, walked him out. When we got to the door his girlfriend, cute little thing in hot pink pants, punched me in the face.

We pushed the guy out and he started going nuts. He was swinging fists at everyone. Suddenly I saw the girlfriend fly by me, James pushing her out of the way. Later I found out the cops had James hang on to her while they were dealing with what I was up to. Douchey McPunchalot started bellowing something and headed toward them. I stepped in the way and he took a swing. I don't know when during this whole exchange he caught me with a punch, but he did. The only thing I could think when it happened was "Huh, the girlfriend hits harder"

I got to the end of my patience and tripped McPunchalot, landing on top of him. I drove my elbow into his face and asked him if he really wanted to fight any more. About the third time I asked I heard someone say "Ok partner, I think he's had enough." I looked up and saw cop boots. Only cops wear cop boots. So I hopped up. Fortunately for me was one of the cooler cops in town that I've got a little bit of rapport with. He took it from there, and lifted a crying McPunchalot off the ground. I've said it before. If you're the type of guy to start fights, you can't cry when it doesn't go your way. Seriously!

After about 10 minutes of interviewing them I wandered toward their car. The cop with the boots came over and asked what happened. I told him what had happened inside up till I got punched in the face by a girl. He laughed and said that and she was a real charmer. He told me they'd put them in a cab and if they came back to call. I said sure, then I appologized for driving this guys face into the gravel multiple times. Caught up in the moment I was.  The cop laughed and said "These things happen"

Later pink pants came back to look for her leather jacket and thought I was a dick for not letting her stay to find it. It never turned up at the end of the night. Probably stolen. That makes me kind of happy

10 things I hate about you

Drunks are an uncreative lot. Here is a list of the top ten things they say when they're kicked out. I had all of them last night.

10. You think you're tough? or Oh, tough guy huh?
9.   What'd I do?
8.   I didn't do anything
7.   I'm not drunk.
6.   I make twice as much money as you. (that should go without saying since this is a part time job)
5.   I know the manager, whats his name again? (Timmy, its always Timmy)
4.   If you don't let me back in I'm never coming back here again (imagine my dissapointment)
3.   Oh, are you enjoying all your power? So cool being a bouncer isn't it?
2.   This bar sucks.
1.  You're an asshole!