Les Miserables

So last night I got called over to the washroom, one of the bouncers is dealing with something. I figure probably two morons doing coke in a stall together. Or blowing each other. I went in and Hoss was standing there. Apparently two guys, somehow, depending on who's story is more credible, managed to break the divider between the urinals. "Fine, you're both leaving"

They argued as I was guiding them out,  but they were going so Hoss went back to his spot. Suddenly the first guy grabbed a beer from somewhere and the second guy bolted for the dance floor. Dave grabbed him and the two of us started to walk him out forcibly. On the way he grabbed a table, and pulled it over, knocking everything to the ground. Well, that was that, we bull rushed him out the door.

Outside, moron 1 still had a beer in his hand. I don't remember this but apparently Dave had his hand on the beer, but I, in a fit of pure genius, grabbed his hand off and pulled the guy away. The guy got all squirelly and started thrashing about. I went to grab him by the head but i missed and caught the string from his hoodie. So I just pulled. The front of his hoodie puckered shut in front of his face. It was pretty funny.

So now he's thrashing about some more so I pushed him over and got on top of him till he calmed down. I so very much wanted to choke him out, but good sense got the better of me.  Eventually he calmed and I pushed him towards a cab.

Then suddenly they started screaming. "Quebec, mother fucker! What the fuck!? Quebec! Yeah, you're so tough, 5 against 2! Quebec!"  I turned around and a couple other bouncers and a few patrons were behind me. Meanwhile the two idiots were screaming and making gang signs. Suddenly, one guy flips me off and screams "Child molester!!!!!!!!" at me. I burst out laughing. So he mooned us, buttoned up and kicked a dent into the back of a cab. Jaques and Pierre then stormed up the street yelling and screaming in their stupid sounding Quebec accents. We laughed and went back to work. I feel like poutine today.

The age of innocence

Friday was just one of them nights.  Nick and I were rocking the door most of the night. I was taking IDs and checking bags, he stamping people and making sure people coming in belonged there. All sorts of fun things happened at the door.

The Bitchy Thief and Her Friends

At some point a girl walked up. I recognized her, sort of pretty in an off beat sort of way. The type of girl you'd probably spend time with, but you'd still be looking at other girls. She had come in with a hillbilly douchebag a few months ago and stole a purse. I took her ID looked at it, handed it back and said, "yeah you can't come in here"

"Why not?" one of her friends asked. I just looked at our friendly neigborhood purse thief.

"Because you came in here with some guy and stole a purse a few months ago."

She didn't even protest. "Oh, Ryan" she said. I guess douche bag hillbilly is Ryan. I like my name for him better. Let's go with that. "Well he stole it"

"No, the video shows you grab the purse from a pile of coats, stuff it in the guys jacket, and walk out with him. Don't come back."

She said something or other about how it was a long story and walked away. Her friends came in with out her.

Later she tried to sneak in, we said no. Then she tried to reson her way in. We said no. So she hung out outside the bar for 3 hours.

Later, her friend came up to me and said "those 2 girls you just let in are underage. My mother can get 2 cops her in 10 minutes and shut you down."

"Make the call" I said. 

"Fine!" She walked away, dailing, calling my bluff.

"Hey, should I show them the video of your friends stealing a purse while there here?" I called after her. We laughed at her. She frowned.

The Little Asshole

Later one little dude walked up and we blocked the door.

"You can't come in here" I said.

"Why?"

"Because we have to throw you out every time you come in. So you're not welcome here anymore" I said.

"For how long?" he asked

"Forever"

"I didn't do anything" he argued.

"No, not tonight" I said, "and I'm not giving you the opportunity. Have a good night."

"That's fine," he said walking away, "You're a prick anyway."

"I get that a lot" I panned.

My little buddy walked away, then came back about 10 mins later and hung out outside for about an hour. He ended up hanging out with the purse thief.

The underaged girl

A girl walked up to the door with a stamp. But it was kinda smudged, so I asked for her ID again. She didn't like that but presented it begrudgingly. It didn't look like her. I asked her for her address, which she'd rehearsed perfectly.  I noticed her birthday was near mine so I asked her for her sign. She thought about it then said "Taurus" 

"No, you're not" I said.

"Yes I AM" she screamed.

"Sweetheart, if this is your birthday you'd be a Leo." 

"I'm a TAURUS!!" she screamed again.

"I'm sure you are, but the person in the ID you gave me is a Leo. Have a good night"

While all this was happening the two guys at the head of the line were cracking up at everything I said

Well, that was unnacceptable. She started to cry. Her friends ran to get the manager, 2 minutes later there was a full quorum in front of me. The manager took my side of course. My little Taurus informed me she'd be speaking with the owner. Cool. Can't wait to hear about it.

Blow

Last week James caught 2 guys in a stall together. He pushed the door open, they tried to slam it shut. When they came out they were curious why James would think they should be kicked out. 

"You're doing rails in the shitter" he said (I'm paraphrasing, I don't remember what he said to be honest)

"No we're not" one of the idiots said.

"You might wanna wipe the white shit off your face while you're telling me that" James replied.

They left.

Harassment

You should have seen this girl. She was tall, rail thin, had one of those stupid clip in hair extensions on the back of her head. She had the make up gun set to whore. She staggered around, a little drunk, alot high. She let a strange guy do some pretty nasty things to her on the dance floor. We would have stopped them but we were laughing too hard. 

She staggered out for a smoke halfway through the night. She stopped in front of Nick, turned, and started chatting him up. She grabbed the string from his hoodie and played with the ends while whispering sweet nothings in his ear. He told her he was married. That just encouraged her.

Later, no her way out, followed by the gentleman who had recently had his fingers in places he probably shouldn't in a public place, she stopped at Nick again. This time after a bit of pillow talk she tried to kiss him. He turned his head and again informed her he was married. We were laughing while it happened, then suddenly she reached down and grabbed him by the junk. He looked at us for some relief but I was crying I was laughing so hard. 

Later he looked at us all disappointed "Friends don't let friends get raped dude"

That just made us laugh harder at him. 

Chasing Amy - A new beer app you say? Ok.

The boys at work were talking about a beer app they were using called Untappd. Basically its a social app that lets you track your beer as you drink it. You 'check in' each time you have a beer and it keeps track of how many beers, and how many distinct beers you've drunk.  You can use the location services feature on your phone say where you're drinking as well. You can take a picture of your brew as proof that you really did have it.

Of course you can win badges, for example if you check in at the same bar on the same night as another friend, you both get the night out badge. On Sunday I got the St. Paddy's Day badge, and if the "irish" bar I went to actually had more than 3 irish beers on tap I would have gotten the "Luck of the Irish" badge as well. Oh well.

The only thing that annoys me is that I've been drinking for many years...now I have to 'catch up' to a bunch of 20 something coworkers in the eyes of some app that couldn't even possibly been concieved of when I had my first beer.

Anyway....download it and add me! Luke C / pourter at  https://untappd.com/

Pump Up The Volume

I went into work the other day after the gym to catch the end of the hockey game. One of the bouncers was sitting at the bar looking particularly green. He was supposed to be bartending but he wasn't well. Seems the night before he got very very drunk playing beer pong. He got so drunk actually that he needed to go to the emergency room and have his stomach pumped the next morning.

Poor guy, I'm taking him to the gym today. We're doing abs and cardio. I think I might be sadistic.

Beer Fest

One of the DJ's buddies decided to have a drinking contest. 2 DJ's vs me and anyone else I could find. I enlisted one of the bartenders, an old school booze enthusiast I knew I could count on.

It was a boat race...I went first, and although I spilled a little, I beat our house DJ. My team mate started in on his when the DJ's buddy simply opened his throat and downed his pint in a little under a second. It was amazing.

The two DJs went outside and began spewing their beers back up almost immediately, touting the health benefits of bulimia between heaves. I went back in to find the bartender coming back from the bathroom after evacuating his stomach as well.

I was the only one who didn't puke! I rock.

The Exorcist

Tonight I saw a bunch of girls, staff and ex staff (fired for punching a customer in the face) looking around the corner of the building laughing. Their heads were stacked one on top of the other like in those old scooby doo cartoons.

I got Ty to cover the door and I mosied on down. Around the corner some kid was puking his brains out. It was like the Tequila Exorcist. If his head started spinning I would have nodded and gone "Yup, that fits"

So I headed around the corner back to the door, assured Ty that everything was good and sent him back to the dance floor.

About 2 mins later this kid came up to the door. I held my hand up as he approached (I don't wanna touch this dude) "Hey man, you've had enough, lets call it a night ok?" 
I'm being nice. I like this kid, he's weird, awkward, kinda funny looking. He's like a baby bird, or a chi hua hua; cute in that hideously ugly way.

"I'm ok" he declares.
"Dude," I said (as I write this I realise my dude ratio is getting up there, I think I need to spend some time in a library, or a classroom, or museum or something...I'm turning into a pale, overweight Jersey Shore) "I just watched you puking your brains out, you've had enough, you can't come in"

He replies, and no, I can't make this up: "It wasn't my brains, it was liquid"
No kidding. I blinked a few times and processed his argument. He wasn't lying, I'll give him that.
"Ok, Yeah, well I have a rule, you throw up, you go home"
"Noooo maaaaaaaan," he whines, "It just went down the wrong pipe.

Now, I'm a clumsy person. I often bite my own tongue, choke on cracker crumbs, burn the roof of my mouth on pizza, and occasionally, find my epiglottis in the the breathing position when it should be flipped over in the drinking position. I have never thrown up 3 gallons of beer and tequila over a mailbox beside a Staples as a result of this. Not once. I've coughed, my eyes have watered but I have never projectile vomited the contents of a tail gate party while giggling waitresses watched with a rare mix of horror and glee. Never.

I just stared. Then someone new came to the door who I needed to turn my attention to and lost track of Pukey McGee. When I next looked up, my awkward baby bird was getting into the back of a cab. I was thankful that I don't clean cabs for a living. Or mailboxes for that matter.