Powder

So these three guys came in last night and got fantastically drunk playing the VLTs. I called out last call and they came over to sit at the bar for a last drink. Fine. The one guy, the drunkest of my stooges missed his chair completely. I grabbed him a water, which he immediately spilled. When I came back with a bar towel to clean up this particular shit head, he was sucking the water off the bar with a straw. Then suddenly he stuck the straw in his nose. Thats when I realized that these three geniuses were doing rails right at the bar.

"What the fuck!?" I said in disbelief.

"Oh, you want some?" said the Moe of the group, holding up a credit card with a tiny little line left on it. Larry just sat there stupidly.

"No!" I said, "You can't do that in here. You guys gotta get out of here."

I printed off their bill, and the Curly of the group had staggered back to the gambling machines. Since he had all the money I went his way and interrupted him as he tried to cram a 20 into the machine.

"Hey, you gotta go, here's your bill" Curly was too drunk to read the bill so he brought it back to his buddies. After about 10 minutes of trying to figure out how to split a $90 bill between three guys, one of them finally produced his bank card. "Are you sure you don't want some?" he asked.

"No, I don't, just pay and go dude" I said. (or something like that)

"Oh sorry, I thought we were all on the same page" he slurred.

They finally paid and staggered out.

The rest of us went to Denny's. I got a burger. It was pretty good.

9 to 5

I like that doing a google search for "Drunk Clock"
yeilds so many results!

Tuesday at 4:40. After only 4 drinks we've had to cut this little guy off (have I mentioned little guys are ALWAYS a problem?) He's proposed to every woman in the bar and just told me he spent the night in the drunk tank. Class act.

Well, at least it's not 2:30 on Tuesday.

Old Lions

I went into the bar the other day to get a bite to eat. It was the middle of the day on a Tuesday. I was chatting with the bartender and enjoying a wicked meal off our new menu. Props to our kitchen staff!

There was an old guy sitting off to my left. He was on the phone with a buddy who he kept referring to as "You fucking asshole..." in between trying to give directions. Apparently if someone doesn't understand your directions the best thing to is repeat them more loudly. Between calls he kept interrupting my conversation with the bartender. He would loudly announce that people should smoke more pot and the government should stay out of our fucking business. I would smile and nod and go back to talking to the bartender.

Unsatisfied that he wasn't receiving enough of our attention, he started playing songs on his iPhone. Nickleback. Sigh. The bartender kept asking him to turn it down, and he would for a while. Finally I got sick of all this and moved to another table.

Later I heard a commotion at the end of the bar. The old guy was joined by his friend Fucking Asshole.  They were yelling and swearing about God knows what. I don't know if they were arguing or celebrating. They were certainly drunk. One of the other patrons yelled at them for swearing so much and they calmed down for a bit. I moved down and hung out by the bar. The bartender asked them to leave after they finished their beer. Of course it couldn't be that easy; one of the old guys tried to steal a beer stein. The bartender asked for it back and after much clever flirting (Thats when old guys say incredibly stupid or crass things to young bar staff who have no choice but to put up with their shit) they left.

About 2 minutes later Fucking Asshole walked back in. He was intercepted by the manager who told him he couldn't come in. "Well I gotta use your bathroom"
"Sorry, you were asked to leave, you can't come back"
By now I had wandered up just in case. Dirty old guy then walked in and said "What, he can't use your bathroom? Just spent a hundred bucks here and he can't use your bathroom?" (The going price for a cheeseburger and 3 beers)
"Sorry, there's another bar up the road, you can try there" said the manager.
Dirty old man then said to Fucking Asshole "do you have to shit or piss?"
"Shit" replied Fucking Asshole.
"Let the man shit!" said Dirty Old Man.
"Time to go" said the manager.
"Fuck you" said dirty old man, and he and his partner left.
The manager said "Man, its like, 2:30 on a Tuesday! Well, somehow dirty old man heard that and stuck his head back in the door.
"Yeah it IS 2:30 on a Tuesday!" he argued.
We just looked at him. "Fuck you!" he said giving us a sort of wind mill flip off.
"Don't come back"
"I won't come back, I'll fucking kill this bar!" said Dirty Old Man, and away he went.
We watched them weave their way over to a Star Buck and laughed about how the 18 year old emo kids were going to handle our pair of aging rock stars

Drugstore Cowboy

A guy wanders up to the bar. Then he falls down. The bartender says to him, "Hey man, y'all right?"

"Yeah I'm fine, can I buy three MDMA?" says the drunk, holding out $20.

"I think you're in the wrong bar buddy, time to go" says the bartender, who flagged down Andrew, who walked the guy out. 

The guy went out easy enough. But then he tried to come back in.

"I've got a stamp!" he protested when we stopped him at the door.

"Sorry, you're done for the night" I said and he staggered away.

Later he ambled up again, this time, hiding behind 2 other patrons who were entering. He almost got away with it too. Except that instead of being invisible he was wearing a day glow orange hoodie and was right in front of me. I stopped him again and gave him a gentle push in the opposite direction.

He held his arm up again showing me his stamp. I shook my head and he went back to his friends to regroup. He must of thought we couldn't hear him on the other side of the velvet rope that divided us because he was saying some fairly unpleasant things about us. 

He made one more desperate attempt to get in and we gently shoved him off again. He shuffled off into the night. 

From Your Bartender

A friend sent me this. It's a list of rules to live by if you'd ever like to get served in a bar again.

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sba/316771757.html

Beer Fest

One of the DJ's buddies decided to have a drinking contest. 2 DJ's vs me and anyone else I could find. I enlisted one of the bartenders, an old school booze enthusiast I knew I could count on.

It was a boat race...I went first, and although I spilled a little, I beat our house DJ. My team mate started in on his when the DJ's buddy simply opened his throat and downed his pint in a little under a second. It was amazing.

The two DJs went outside and began spewing their beers back up almost immediately, touting the health benefits of bulimia between heaves. I went back in to find the bartender coming back from the bathroom after evacuating his stomach as well.

I was the only one who didn't puke! I rock.