Girls Just Want to Have Fun

There was a girl fight tonight at the bar. It started inside and Andrew escorted one out, then someone else got another out. Later a second girl fight broke out outside. There were about 4 or 5 involved. We started pulling them apart. At the core was a pair of girls seriously entangled. It took three of us to get them apart.

Girl fights are different from guy fights. Basically they each just grab a couple hands full of hair and start pulling. It's impossible to get them apart. Scientifically speaking, the bond between two girls fighting is stronger than that of velcro, Crazy Glue, the gravitational pull between the earth and the moon, and a cat on a screen door.

If you ever need to tow something and don't have rope just put a girl on your car and another on whatever you're towing (boat, wagon, another car or truck, a couple of sea-doos, a stump, whatever it doesn't matter) Tell one of them the other said she was fat, or stupid, or a whore. Pick whatever she's sensitive about, it doesn't matter, but the more true it is the better results you'll get. There's no sense in telling a skinny whore she's fat, cause she knows she's not fat, she's a whore. If you don't know...go with whore. Chances are, if they're fighting, one of them's a whore. That's just science.

Once their hands are firmly buried in each others 'do you can pretty much pull them anywhere. You're more likely to break an axel than have two feral bar stars dislodge from one another. Realistically, you're more likely to tear one of them in half before you get them apart. You need to be careful of that. That's a mess you don't want to clean up.  That's why I usually try to use the smaller bar stars. Go for something in the waif, or twig strain. They're just as strong but easier to install and way easier to clean up if you break one.

Now, no matter what happens, one will cry. She will be the one with the messiest hair. There will be running make-up and possibly mucus. Don't touch either.

She'll want to touch her face and hair, but she's afraid to because she knows it's messy up there. Faced with a horrible dilemma her arms will freeze like a deer in clown makeup. In headlights.  She will turn around in circles with her arms up like she's carrying invisible logs to an invisible fire that's evading her somehow. She's looking for her friends.

Don't worry about that. Get out of the way before she notices you and decides you might be some sort of emotional support. She'll eventually stop spinning and get into a cab with an idiot. It's a fact.

The other one, the non-cryer, will be standing around nearby calling the cryer a whore. Remember, it doesn't matter if she's a whore or not. Don't worry about that. Eventually the non cryer will get into a cab with an idiot. That's just physics. And biology.


On that note, St. Paddy's day party tomorrow! Let's see what happens.

Punch Drunk Love

"Man, we haven't had a fight in a while."
The second he said it we both knew we were jinxed. I just didn't know how much.

I was working the door hours later when someone I didn't know said, "Hey, you need to get in there." I looked up and there's the manager holding a guy back, two bouncers dragging people in different directions and a guy with a serious cut on his head. By the time I got there Ty was trying to get the guy with the cut to come with him so he could clean him up and stop the bleeding. The guy's girlfriend, not understanding, punches Ty in the face. I held her back and explained to her that she was bad. Bad, bad, bad, and tapped her on the nose with my finger. That confused her. Fine. The guys were taking the bad guys outside.

I walked over to see whats happening with the manager and a second fight breaks out. Some guy flies across the bar and smacks another guy, the one the manager was holding, right in the face. The other guy breaks free and tackles the first. I end up holding the one guy down while someone else started pulling them apart. These guys are both regulars. I pinned the first guy down and told him if he let go we wouldn't let guy on top hit him. Amazingly it happened just like that. The first guy chills out and I let him up. I was about to find out what happened when another fight erupted at the door. FFS!! Fortunately the bartenders and the manager are on top of this one.

So I ran over. Pure pandemonium. Every bouncer is tangled up with someone. The cook is trying to pull a guy off Ty (how the hell did he get out front so quick?) and another guy who's trying to help Ty punched our cook in the face because he didn't understand the situation. Ty gets some guy into a guillotine choke so I try to pull them apart before Ty really hurts him. Meanwhile, some OTHER guy is screaming hysterically about how he's going to kill some one, and being held back by our 130lb DJ. (That is the mark of a guy who wants to seem like he wants to fight but doesn't want to fight, being held back by a 130lb DJ)

Finally we get it all settled. Everyone on their feet. People heading towards cabs. Everyone dusting themselves off. Then someone breathed. Or a twig snapped. Or something, but it was back on. Bodies started flying everywhere. One guy turns and sucker punches some hippy french dude in the face. I heard it more than saw it. James grabs the guy, then some guy grabbed James from behind in a choke hold. Ty pulls that guy off just as James was rolling out of it and starts punching him in the face. Hard. I grabbed the sucker puncher and he started to flail so I put him in a head and arm. James turned around and slugged him about 3 times. I could feel the impacts through this guys body.

So I finally drag the guy down into a bush and pin him. The guy started losing his shit. I mean freaking out hard, like I was holding his head under water, begging me to get everyone off of him. I tell him to calm down. I look, and the DJ has his legs pinned down. We finally let him up and I escort him to a cab where his more reasonable friend is trying to get hysterical screamer guy into a cab.

Now I realize the guys I'm fighting with all love me. They all went to my high school back east. We even went to the same elementary school, just 10 years apart it seems. Everything was cool earlier in the evening, they were hugging me and telling me how happy they were to see another Maritimer, so I don't know what the hell happened. By then they were in a cab and they all wanted to shake my hand and apologise. I'm thinking "Fuck, don't apologize, just don't punch people in the face."Finally they drove away.

I went back inside and there are the two dudes I ended up prying apart inside the bar earlier, sitting together having a beer. I looked at the manager and he said "they're getting along, having a beer, its more trouble having them leave than to just let them hash it out" Great. I saw how they "hash it out" earlier, but I guess they can enjoy their love-in for the time being.

It took a half hour to get them all out at the end of the night, tensions were still running high, but eventually they all left.

I had a seriously enjoyable beer after that. And I think it's time for a raise, don't you? That's my new survey question. Do you think Luke needs a raise There are only two answers. Yes, and Fuck Yeah!