Stripes

Saturday was interesting. 

I showed up to see a big biker sitting at the window wearing his cut, which is illegal in our province. Can’t wear gang gear in a licensed establishment. James said that one of the waitresses told him he’d have to take it off but he ignored her. I said no problem, I’ll get into my gear and go talk to him. I came back out and he was already talking to some guy. They were looking at a police car up at the other end of the mall. I looked at the biker, 6’7” well over 300lbs and said,
“Yeah man, if they see you here with your cut they’ll pull you out, question you and won’t let you back in. I’m not allowed to let you in with that on either”

He was pretty good about it, pulled it off and threw it in his truck as the cops drove out of the parking lot. 

“Thanks, enjoy your night”
About 2 hours later a cop in a supervisor car rolled by and flagged me over.
“Anything going on tonight?”
“Nope, just the regulars” I said. It was actually pretty quiet with everyone behaving.
“We’ll be back” he said and sped away.

Fifteen minutes later every cop in town rolled in. They gathered outside the bar, then 10 cops went inside. 2 minutes later 2 of them came out with a guy in cuffs. Threw him in a car and drove away. Then a couple of them started talking to the big biker. As they were doing that his buddy, a skinny little old dude missing all four of his front teeth jumped behind a cop and pretended he was humping him from behind. Toothy came flying out the front door about a second later, admonished to stay out until the RC’s had left. He just laughed the toothless laugh of an old rummy, and stood around smoking.

They brought the big biker out and read him the part of the liquor act that says gang members can’t enter licensed establishments. Since he had no tattoos and was no longer wearing his cut, they said he could stay if it was ok by us. The guy wasn’t causing any trouble and was still sober so I said sure. He stood around for about a half our telling me about his constitutional rights. I'm a door guy, not a lawyer.

Of course they're real!

After that a girl in a skin tight striped dress, and older lady in a tie dyed top and a blonde with impossibly huge fake breasts walked up. Stripes didn’t have her ID and was furious that we made her go back to her car for it. The older lady didn’t have hers either. I started to joke with her that I wasn’t sure she was old enough when Stripes freaked out and told me that OBVIOUSLY they were all over 40. Boobzilla just looked at me and blinked. I let them in.

About 10 mins later one of our guys, CT, came up and shook his head. “You gotta see these girls, they’re crawling on the floor, flashing their thongs, its nasty in there.” CT has standards, but is no prude by any means, so I wandered in to see. Sure enough, Stripes was lying on the floor, legs spread, while Boobzilla was grinding in the air over her. I told CT to tell them to knock it off. He went over and told them to tone it down. Stripes told him to relax, that her dad owned the strip mall we were in, said she’d take him home if he was nice. Boobzilla blinked and smiled.

Stripes did tone it down a bit but we were still occasionally treated to random views of her thong. After a few more drinks she started making out with Boobzilla who appeared to enjoy the whole thing, blinking emphatically.

Later, CT asked Stripes not to stand on a bar stool. She was pretty wobbly at this point. She leaned down and told CT he should calm down and stop being “That Guy”. Eventually CT got her down. She wandered over to where Boobzilla was standing on the dance floor by the door and started making out with her. Boobzilla then pulled down the front of her top exposing her cartoonishly large breasts. They bounced in Stripes’ face and they all laughed. Meanwhile, half the guys in the place were parked at tables facing the dance floor, watching this display of class. The manager told us Stripes was cut off.

About 10 minutes later Stripes came flying out and tore a strip off CT for cutting her off. I’m not even sure CT knew anything about it. He said he didn’t know anything about. She demanded to know who cut her off. “I dunno, someone who thinks you’re too drunk” he shrugged.

Stripes stormed back in, furious that a bar would DARE cut off the daughter of a strip mall magnate such as herself. On her way she smashed into a small girl standing at a table by the door. The girl looked and stripes and said “Why did you hit me?”
Stripes, oblivious to her own actions, looked confused and told the tiny girl she didn’t do anything, and to fuck off.

The girl looked at Stripes and lost it, swinging at her in great arc, catching her forehead and nose on the down stroke. Stripes swung back and missed, hitting me in the shoulder as I stepped in. We got them broken up and the little girl was dragged outside.

Stripes looked at me and screamed “She hit me, I want to press charges”
“Relax” I said, “She’s gone, its over”
“NO! YOU SAW THAT! I’m pressing CHARGES!” she insisted in her best princess tantrum.
“Then call the fucking cops” I said walking away, irritated with this self-important mess in a striped dress. I went to see what happened to the other girl.

The other girl was being held back by friends and was pretty much over it when Stripes marched out announcing she was pressing charges.The little one lost her shit and started pulling away from her friends. A group of cops having a pow-wow in the parking lot wandered over and everyone started to calm down. Little chick’s friends dragged her off before she could get arrested. Stripes marched over to the cops and started sticking fingers in the chests demanding that they press charges. The big cop who had been in earlier looked at her and said. “Don’t touch me” 

I walked away. I ended up talking to another cop who asked why the guy in the Harley jacket with the little tiny man bun was sitting on a bench watching them. I told him Man Bun was waiting for them to leave so he could drive his bike home. Shitfaced. “Noted” the cop said.

“I told him he shouldn’t, his friends told him he shouldn’t, but he’s determined” I said.
Just then Stripes blew by us looked at me, wagged a finger at me and said “You! Shouldn’t…” then she couldn’t think of anything else and staggered over to Boobzilla and Old Tye Dye, who just blinked. They all hugged and Stripes flipped us off and landed in a cab, gone for the night.

I found out after from a friend at work that Stripes actually didn't have a credit card to start a tab, so she had offered up her watch as security. When she went to pay her tab she demanded that they return her "priceless Rolex". It was something more in range of a priceless Timex, but really, who's gonna argue when she's just about to leave the building.

The cops, suddenly all scrambled, jumped in their cars and took off. Man Bun saw this as his opportunity. He swaggered over to his bike, looking up and down the road for cops as he put his lid on. “Dude” I yelled. He wasn’t a bad guy, just has a case of stupid.

He turned and looked at me.
“All those cops are here because there’s nothing going on tonight. That means they will be nearby waiting for drunk drivers. You’re gonna get caught.” “I don’t fucking care, I can’t leave her here” he nodded at his hog. “You shouldn’t drive bro, you’re gonna wreck yourself” I tried another tact.

He then told me he only came down to see one of our bartenders, and that he was worried she might have seen him making out with a couple of different girls (Who turned out to be Stripes and the little chick…maybe there was more to that fight than a simple bump in passing)

He then announced he was Canadian and free to travel. And he was staying at the same hotel as Stripes. He wasn’t afraid. Fuck it. He hopped on and kicked the bike over. I shrugged and walked away. He was going to drive right by the spot where the cops wait for drunks coming out of our parking lot and I gave him fair warning.
He swung his bike around in a huge circle coming within inches of smashing into a line of parked cars. James just looked at me and said “Holy shit, did he just about hit all those cars!?” “Yup”

We went inside and had a well-earned Schlong Island Iced tea.

Space Oddessy

A few weeks ago we had a little excitment.

There’s a guy who used to come in. He was not well liked. He is big, arrogant, swaggered around like he owned the place. I'm not sure he's that bright, certainly does not take direction and is pretty rude to some of the staff. Then one day, he came in with a tattoo that was almost identical to one that one of our female bartenders had. I thought she was over reacting until, weeks later, I finally saw it. It was actually pretty creepy. Not only was it a blatant rip off, but it was almost in the same spot on his arm, and given that he flirted with her every time he came in…it was pretty creepy. The door guys agreed to keep a better eye on him when he was around. That problem solved itself later in the evening.

Here's a couple articles on why you shouldn't rip off other people's tattoos. Other than it being creepy and douchey: 

www.margotmeanie.com/2013/10/16/dont-be-a-tattoo-copy-cat/ 

http://www.yourtattooguru.com/etiquette/copycat-tattoos-and-why-not-to-get-them/

Time went by, we ID’d people and kept an eye on things. At some point just before dark, (Dark in Canada in June is like 11pm) a guy, his girlfriend and his sister showed up. The sister was a fucking space cadet. She was 100 lbs soaking wet, vacant look in her eyes wearing one of those flat brimmed Fox Racing ball caps that was way too big for her Chihuahua-like melon. I asked her a few questions and she kinda half answered, unimpressed that I was interrogating her with intrusive personal questions like, “Hows your night going? What are you guys up to tonight? Been anywhere else this evening?” At anyrate she didn’t seem like too much trouble, just a fucking space cadet. If I didn’t let space cadets in the place would be half empty most of the time.

An hour later a fight breaks out. James and I run in, Big T is holding a group of people back. Tattoo Guy and his buddies are on the other side of the confrontation and just turned and left. Ok, that problem is solved. I turn to the other guy, the space cadet’s brother, who’s being blocked by Big T from following Tattoo Guy and his boys.

“Im gonna kill that fucking guy” He screamed.
“Calm down, what happened?”
“He fucking sucker punched me!” He screamed.
“Stop screaming” I looked at the bartender who was nodding that yes, that was indeed what happened.
Screamer tried to get by us and we pushed him back.
“Hey! We’ve kicked them out, its over!” I said “If you wanna calm down and relax you can stay and enjoy your beer with your friends.”

He tossed that around for a bit, then leaned back apprehensively, muttering about who he was going to kill and when. I watched the video later and tattoo guy had open hand slapped Screamer while he was talking to someone else. He hit him so hard he knocked over two chairs as he flew across the front of the bar.

That’s when someone told us there was a fight going on outside.

We ran out to find Space Cadet latched on to one of Tattoo Guy’s buddies near their car. He was spinning around like a whirling dervish trying to peel her off. She had her claws caught up in his TShirt, screaming at him. We went over and tried to pull her off, but she wouldn’t let go. Finally buddy just slipped out of his shirt, jumped in his car and drove away. 

Space Cadet then turned and swung at James, hitting him with her tiny meth fist. He simply pushed her over. She landed on her ass, scrambled to a crouch, then, like something out of a videogame, threw a giant exaggerated uppercut, catching James in the junk. He threw his hips back and shoved her back again. She got up again and tried to kick him. This time he grabbed her foot out of the air and lifted. Boom. On her ass again. He grabbed her arm flipped her on her face and told her to calm down. 

Well that was it. Now she was mad. She was going to sue. We were monsters for hitting a girl, we were going to jail, she was going to kill us, what were our names, she was pressing charges. Etc. etc. Finally I tagged James out, he let her up and I stepped between them. I tried to calm her down but she was in some sort of Jack Daniels/Meth Fueled hysteria. That’s when the mall cop showed up. A gangly private security guard in a smart uniform hopped out of a marked security vehicle and decided he would take charge. Fine by me. I left Space Cadet in his care. I turned to see her brother, the Screamer, being held back by Big T. Perfect.

Eventually we all went back to the door. Big T let the brother go telling him to stay away from the door. James was standing by the door, visibly angry and rightfully so. I was frustrated by this point. We let the sister back in to grab Space Cadet’s wallet so they could leave. That’s when space Cadet wheeled away from the security guy and got in my face. “I want that guys name” she flung a bony meth-head finger at James.

“I don’t know his name”
“Yes you do” she spat, then tried to get back in the bar.
“You can’t go in, you need to leave before you get arrested” I said.
“Yeah? What are you gonna do about it?” With that, she jumped a full foot off the ground and headbutted me in the bridge of the nose. I pushed her as she came up and she went flying back into the gravel across the sidewalk.  The mall security professional then grabbed her and pulled her away, squirming and wriggling trying to get back at me.

That’s when the cops showed up.

I guess somebody had called as this had been going on for some time. Upon seeing 6 cruisers pull into the parking lot, the hillbilly threesome decided they should leave. They headed toward the road when one of the cops pulled up and asked me what was going on. I pointed to my new friends and said they were involved in a fight, we just wanted them gone. “No problem”

He said something into his radio and our scrappy threesome was stopped by another set of RCMPs. 

We could see them talking with the group then suddenly the brother got cuffed and thrown in the back of a cop car. The officer I’d talked to earlier came by and asked what happened. I told him and he just laughed. He said the brother was being an asshole and was spending the night in the tank. 

“You know, if they’d just calmed down we would have let them stay” The cop just shrugged and walked away saying they definitely wouldn’t be back.

So now Tattoo guy is finally banned and his creepiness/sucker-punchiness will no longer be our problem. Some things solve themselves.

Love Actually

V-Day

On Valentines day I was standing in the back, keeping an eye on things when a guy walked up to me. Tall, skinny, wearing a beard. He said hi, asked how long I’d been back working, told me he respected me and wouldn't cause any trouble. I said great, having no clue who this guy was but knowing full well that if he said he wasn't causing trouble, he’d be in the middle of it soon enough. As he walked away it dawned on me; oh yeah, I banned that guy for fighting a year or two ago.

Ten minutes later he and his 4 buddies are at the center of a scuffle.  I ran up to help get it under control and we all exploded out of the bar onto the side walk. After ten solid minutes of  shouting, shoving and posturing we got everyone calmed down and on their feet. Dozens of people who weren’t even involved spilled onto the sidewalk to watch.

Finally we got to a point where no one was holding anyone back, no one is threatening any one, and everyone is getting ready to leave. Then, out of nowhere, the drunkest guy there pushed some dude for no reason. The entire place explodes into a 30 man brawl. We’re all pulling people off of one another. A guy took a swing at one of my buddies so I pulled him off and we all ended up in a pile. He laughed and said “Oh, you want some ground and pound?” and proceeded to try and put me in a wrist lock. Prick. One of the guys ended up holding his legs and I wriggled out and got on top of him and held him down.  

That’s when his fiancé stopped by to tell me I had to let him up so she could take him home. No sweetheart, your asshole husband-to-be is going to jail. Then, the blushing groom told me that if I touch his girlfriend he’ll kill me. So I tried out this thing called a “rear naked choke.” I saw someone do it on the UFC one time. He started tapping the pavement madly as the small amount of oxygen that normally travelled to his brain was further impeded. Just a little reminder of where he was and how his situation was going. After a few minutes an RCMP officer came by to cuff him and drag him off. 

I know what you're thinking. "Dude, it was Valentimes day.You should have just let him go home and make sweet sweet love to his fiance." The way I figure it, we were doing  her a favour. What kind of man brings his fiancé to the local tap house for a Valentine’s Day singles party. Seriously. And any "sweet, sweet love" would have just been sweaty drunken flailing ending with him rolled up in a ball at the foot of the bed gently sobbing himself to sleep. While he was in jail she should have just set his stuff out by the curb and changed her number. I really hope they don’t procreate.

By then there were about 8 cops throwing cuffs on people, 7 bouncers holding people down, the DJ, bartenders and customers helping us out. I saw the bearded guy, who told me he respected me, getting thrown into the back of a police car. And his buddy, the guy who pushed someone for no reason? He was sitting on the ground. He was having trouble getting up because someone punched him in the face so hard his legs stopped working.  Couldn’t have happened to a nicer guy.

Eventually it all got cleared up and we all went back inside. At 3:30am one of the cops came back to get our statements. As we were locking up, my bearded friend and his 3 buddies showed up looking for one of our guys. Apparently they felt like they had been mistreated by one of us. The biggest guy in their group, the one with the biggest mouth who never, ever seems to back it up, decided they should just leave.

So that was Feb 14, 2015 in my little town. Lots of love.

There Will Be Blood

The DJ came over and told me that someone threw cutlery at the guy dancing by himself on the dance floor. Or at least the guy dancing by himself asked the DJ if he threw cutlery at him. Assuming it was the group of 5 guys sitting by the dance floor, if it had happened at all, I wandered over and asked them to never ever throw cutlery at anyone again. They agreed that that was a good idea.

I should have just kicked them out.

All night long James and I were watching these guys. They just felt like trouble. No reason, nothing glaring, but something. Later, Sanj called me over, said that there were just too many rowdy guys on the dance floor. I stationed our biggest guy right on the dance floor overlooking the group of guys. Sanj was just to the side and I stood right where everyone could see me. James was overlooking things from just off the door. There was no doubt what we were doing. I achieved what I wanted, the dance floor thinned out. I was walking away when I saw Sanj rush to hold a guy back. Andrew was dragging another guy away. Something must have happened. Andrew let the guy go and let me take over. I let the guy grab his red hoodie and I walked him out, his buddies in tow. Great, no problems.


What I didn't know was James had kicked out another guy who had been egging the first group of guys on. This dude and his friend were outside standing by the door smoking. The group of 5 were getting into a cab when suddenly one of them came flying over and punched the smart ass dude in the face. We peeled everyone apart but this one guy just couldnt' let it go. He kept accusing the smart ass and his friend of smirking at them. They weren't smirking, they were scared. I told them to leave. They wouldn't. They just stood there. Stupidly.

We held the group of 5 back until suddenly it all broke lose. Someone grabbed Andrew in a head lock, James pulled him off and threw him onto the hood of a taxi. I dragged some guy back wards onto his back, and told him not to get up. Strangely he obliged. Red Hoodie attacked Andrew who clubbed him in the face and grabbed ahold of him. Suddenly, some other dude, who wasn't involved in any of this reached over Andrew and punched Red Hoodie in the face. Now we were holding back people from different groups who were all trying to get in on the action. I don't know how it happened but I grabbed Red Hoodie and dragged him away, literally across the ground about 4 feet. A trail of blood followed him. Whoever punched him broke his nose bad. He looked like an extra from the walking dead.

That seemed to end it I think. Sanj had called the cops, or gotten the manager to. Andrew's shirt was torn half off. For some reason the asshole who started the whole thing thought Andrew should donate his shirt to Red Hoodie's bleeding face because it was torn. Why the sweet fuck we should care about his well being is beyond me. Personally, if I found out tomorrow morning that the guy bled to death I wouldn't lose too much sleep over it. (Ok, maybe not to death, but something close to it maybe). We gave them some bar towels to clean up because the cabbies wouldn't take them otherwise.

this is what I looked like last night

They stood outside stupidly for about 5 minutes until the first cop car arrived. The scrambled to get in and away but the cops just stopped the cab and dragged them out. The interviewed them and sent them away. I asked what they'd had to say for themselves and the cop told me that they were being assholes. Turns out they're from Toronto. Go figure.

The other two guys still hadn't left. Turns out they were french and that was part of the reason they were targeted. The cops spoke to them and eventually got them to leave.

In the end it took three of  us and  4 big buckets of water and a considerable amount of scrubbing to get all the blood off the sidewalk. Other than that it was a peaceful evening. I love long weekends.