Love Actually

V-Day

On Valentines day I was standing in the back, keeping an eye on things when a guy walked up to me. Tall, skinny, wearing a beard. He said hi, asked how long I’d been back working, told me he respected me and wouldn't cause any trouble. I said great, having no clue who this guy was but knowing full well that if he said he wasn't causing trouble, he’d be in the middle of it soon enough. As he walked away it dawned on me; oh yeah, I banned that guy for fighting a year or two ago.

Ten minutes later he and his 4 buddies are at the center of a scuffle.  I ran up to help get it under control and we all exploded out of the bar onto the side walk. After ten solid minutes of  shouting, shoving and posturing we got everyone calmed down and on their feet. Dozens of people who weren’t even involved spilled onto the sidewalk to watch.

Finally we got to a point where no one was holding anyone back, no one is threatening any one, and everyone is getting ready to leave. Then, out of nowhere, the drunkest guy there pushed some dude for no reason. The entire place explodes into a 30 man brawl. We’re all pulling people off of one another. A guy took a swing at one of my buddies so I pulled him off and we all ended up in a pile. He laughed and said “Oh, you want some ground and pound?” and proceeded to try and put me in a wrist lock. Prick. One of the guys ended up holding his legs and I wriggled out and got on top of him and held him down.  

That’s when his fiancé stopped by to tell me I had to let him up so she could take him home. No sweetheart, your asshole husband-to-be is going to jail. Then, the blushing groom told me that if I touch his girlfriend he’ll kill me. So I tried out this thing called a “rear naked choke.” I saw someone do it on the UFC one time. He started tapping the pavement madly as the small amount of oxygen that normally travelled to his brain was further impeded. Just a little reminder of where he was and how his situation was going. After a few minutes an RCMP officer came by to cuff him and drag him off. 

I know what you're thinking. "Dude, it was Valentimes day.You should have just let him go home and make sweet sweet love to his fiance." The way I figure it, we were doing  her a favour. What kind of man brings his fiancé to the local tap house for a Valentine’s Day singles party. Seriously. And any "sweet, sweet love" would have just been sweaty drunken flailing ending with him rolled up in a ball at the foot of the bed gently sobbing himself to sleep. While he was in jail she should have just set his stuff out by the curb and changed her number. I really hope they don’t procreate.

By then there were about 8 cops throwing cuffs on people, 7 bouncers holding people down, the DJ, bartenders and customers helping us out. I saw the bearded guy, who told me he respected me, getting thrown into the back of a police car. And his buddy, the guy who pushed someone for no reason? He was sitting on the ground. He was having trouble getting up because someone punched him in the face so hard his legs stopped working.  Couldn’t have happened to a nicer guy.

Eventually it all got cleared up and we all went back inside. At 3:30am one of the cops came back to get our statements. As we were locking up, my bearded friend and his 3 buddies showed up looking for one of our guys. Apparently they felt like they had been mistreated by one of us. The biggest guy in their group, the one with the biggest mouth who never, ever seems to back it up, decided they should just leave.

So that was Feb 14, 2015 in my little town. Lots of love.

It’s not them, it’s you

It’s not them, it’s you

Last night I went to see Gord Downie play at the Wildhorse Saloon, a big ol’ tent that springs up every Stampede.  About 10 minutes in 2 very large men dressed as cowboys decided they didn’t like each other. Strangers and girlfriends jumped in to keep the two parties back as these mental midgets screamed at each other, fingers flying in both directions. Eventually Dumb Cowboy #1 guy got bored and allowed himself to be physically restrained by his 90lb girlfriend and left

The whole time this was happening, the bouncer in front of us was watching the band. Another bouncer was flirting with a cowgirl.  It wasn’t until after the whole thing had resolved itself and Dumb Cowboy #1 had left that Flirty McBouncer came flying from his perch, bulldogging his way through the crowd to take charge of the situation, unaware of what he was even running toward. The people left in his wake began picking themselves up and looking for their hats, wondering why some big dude in a yellow shirt just shoved them out of the way.

Then I heard someone behind me say, “Why do people turn into such assholes during Stampede?” referring to the two chest thumping wastes of skin.  But they’re not the problem; the rest of us are the problem. 

All night long we were surrounded by people that generally don’t binge drink for ten days straight. Normal folks with normal lives who are just out for Stampede to have a good time. People getting into the spirit of the thing, drinking to get annihilated, because, “hey, it’s Stampede!!”  As we watched the band people were constantly pushing through the crowd to get closer to the stage. Fratboys headbanging to the music, the brims of their cowboy hats rhythmically bobbing in and out of peoples faces. Little hipster dudes leaning over people to scream something at their buddies, O&G guys rocking out with a full solo cup held high over the crowd, spraying everyone in a 3 foot radius. Drunk guys flirting with other drunk guys girlfriends. Drunk girlfriends flirting right back.

Yeah, yeah, I know. It’s a concert, that’s what happens. I get that. Hell, I’ve been all of those guys in a single night. Stampede, however, seems to bring it up a notch though, and it’s a petri dish for the asshole culture.

Assholes don’t turn into assholes because they’ve had too many drinks. They’ re just assholes. It’s what they do. The booze just cuts back on the little bit of self restraint they have to not be assholes all the time. The rest of us acting like idiots? That’s the catalyst. It’s the little hipster dude who generally sits around ironically named dive bars drinking PBR, or whatever it is this week, who starts pushing his weight around because a belly full of Budweiser and a pair of  Wranglers gives him license to do so. It’s the soccer dad who’s happily staggering into people because the last time he drink this much was new years eve. 3 years ago. Its not long before the asshole, who might not even be looking for a fight, but can’t seem to avoid them, slides back two spaces on the evolutionary chart and does what he does best. Acts like an asshole.  

There's a few days of Stampede left, and it should be a good time, but there will be a few more fights, more arguments, more shoving. But the next time you think to yourself “Why is that guy such an asshole” take a look around and see who’s foot you might be standing on.

Big Trouble in Little China

I asked a guy outside to have a chat on Friday night. He and his friends seemed hell bent on getting into a fight.
"No man, we don't want any trouble"
"Great, glad to hear it" I said.
"Yeah, no I respect you, man. Whatever. We just came in here because we thought there were some guys in here looking for trouble, so if they fucking get in my face I'll fucking smash the shit out of them, y'know? But yeah, man, we're not looking for trouble or anything."

Oh. Gotcha.