The Sound of Music

I walked into the bar one day to visit a friend who was working a slow shift. As I sat down I heard some guy singing along (badly) with the music. I looked back towards the VLTs and the bartender and the waitress just sort of rolled their eyes. Apparently the guy had been there all day getting smashed and pumping his pay check into the machine. Cool.

He hollered that he needed another drink. The whole time she's taking his order, or delivering his drink he was talking. Half rambling, half flirting, and wholly making an ass of himself.

Finally she told him she was serving him his last drink. He was amiable about being cut off and happily took his rye and ginger. About 5 minutes later he said "Ok, I'll take 1 more double and then I'll settle up" he said.

The waitress apologized, said she couldn't serve him anymore and said when ever he was ready he could come up and pay. He argued a little, but she was firm. So he went and asked the bartender for a drink. She said no. That's when he decided he didn't order everything that was on his bill and the waitress was ripping him off. She explained his tab and he paid, saying that his change better be there cause she was a bitch who was bitch who was stealing from him. The bartender told he couldn't talk to her waitresses like that. He then announced that the bartender was a bitch and she could go fuck herself. Thats when I decided he should probably just go home.

I stood up and said "Alright pal time to leave" he did the exact thing drunk assholes do. He literally screamed "DON"T YOU FUCKING TOUCH ME!!"  What is it with drunks not being touched? Anyway, I stepped between him and the bar and started walking him towards the door. He scrambled backwards telling me he'd kick my ass. Then he stumbled and half grabbed my arm trying not to fall over. So we got into a little shoving match.

Suddenly he stopped and said he'd meet me outside. Then he ran and jumped in the air, kicking the door open on his way and ran into the night. I shrugged and turned around. One of my buddies had stood up and had my back, so that was nice. We laughed about the drunk in the parking lot waiting for a guy twice his size to come out and pound him into paste. I wondered how long he'd wait.

I got my answer a second later when he stuck his head in the door and screamed that I was a pussy. Then, in a great off balanced swooping arc he threw a handful of change at us. Most of it hit the ceiling about 10 feet ahead of him and bounced back down onto the floor.  I got up again and he turned and ran off into the night.  He'll be missed.

9 to 5

I like that doing a google search for "Drunk Clock"
yeilds so many results!

Tuesday at 4:40. After only 4 drinks we've had to cut this little guy off (have I mentioned little guys are ALWAYS a problem?) He's proposed to every woman in the bar and just told me he spent the night in the drunk tank. Class act.

Well, at least it's not 2:30 on Tuesday.

Old Lions

I went into the bar the other day to get a bite to eat. It was the middle of the day on a Tuesday. I was chatting with the bartender and enjoying a wicked meal off our new menu. Props to our kitchen staff!

There was an old guy sitting off to my left. He was on the phone with a buddy who he kept referring to as "You fucking asshole..." in between trying to give directions. Apparently if someone doesn't understand your directions the best thing to is repeat them more loudly. Between calls he kept interrupting my conversation with the bartender. He would loudly announce that people should smoke more pot and the government should stay out of our fucking business. I would smile and nod and go back to talking to the bartender.

Unsatisfied that he wasn't receiving enough of our attention, he started playing songs on his iPhone. Nickleback. Sigh. The bartender kept asking him to turn it down, and he would for a while. Finally I got sick of all this and moved to another table.

Later I heard a commotion at the end of the bar. The old guy was joined by his friend Fucking Asshole.  They were yelling and swearing about God knows what. I don't know if they were arguing or celebrating. They were certainly drunk. One of the other patrons yelled at them for swearing so much and they calmed down for a bit. I moved down and hung out by the bar. The bartender asked them to leave after they finished their beer. Of course it couldn't be that easy; one of the old guys tried to steal a beer stein. The bartender asked for it back and after much clever flirting (Thats when old guys say incredibly stupid or crass things to young bar staff who have no choice but to put up with their shit) they left.

About 2 minutes later Fucking Asshole walked back in. He was intercepted by the manager who told him he couldn't come in. "Well I gotta use your bathroom"
"Sorry, you were asked to leave, you can't come back"
By now I had wandered up just in case. Dirty old guy then walked in and said "What, he can't use your bathroom? Just spent a hundred bucks here and he can't use your bathroom?" (The going price for a cheeseburger and 3 beers)
"Sorry, there's another bar up the road, you can try there" said the manager.
Dirty old man then said to Fucking Asshole "do you have to shit or piss?"
"Shit" replied Fucking Asshole.
"Let the man shit!" said Dirty Old Man.
"Time to go" said the manager.
"Fuck you" said dirty old man, and he and his partner left.
The manager said "Man, its like, 2:30 on a Tuesday! Well, somehow dirty old man heard that and stuck his head back in the door.
"Yeah it IS 2:30 on a Tuesday!" he argued.
We just looked at him. "Fuck you!" he said giving us a sort of wind mill flip off.
"Don't come back"
"I won't come back, I'll fucking kill this bar!" said Dirty Old Man, and away he went.
We watched them weave their way over to a Star Buck and laughed about how the 18 year old emo kids were going to handle our pair of aging rock stars