First Impressions

I was standing in front of the bar when a girl in a slinky dress popped out from the door and bounced in front of me.

“Hi, are you the full time bouncer?” she asked in a cheerfully weird accent I couldn’t quite place.
“Uh, yeah”
“Cool!” she said “So if anything goes down you’ll protect me?”
“Actually I was kinda hoping you’d protect me, I’m only little” I joked.

She laughed and ran her hand down my arm smiling huge. Wait, is this little drunk chick hitting on me?

“Its so nice to have some big strong guys around. The last place I worked we didn’t have any bouncers so I had to break up fights myself” she said.

Ohhh, this is the new waitress. Ok, this is all coming together now.
“Well, you look like you could handle it” I teased. 

She grabbed my arm, and laughed, leaning over so I could see down her top. Then squeezed my elbow and went inside saying she’d see me around.

She went to the bar and sat with two knuckleheads. The type of guys that arm themselves with an ‘eat shit and die’ look on their faces at all time. The guys that smoke like there’s really no time to be smoking and fling their butt’s angrily at the ground for no reason, only to return to their beers and their ‘eat shit and die expressions’. Exactly the type of guy that attracts girls like our new waitress.

About 10 minutes went by when we got a call from Big A on the radio. “Need bouncers in the men’s room!” James and I hustled to the back leaving CT to man the door.  We got to the hall and the two ‘eat-shit-and-die’ guys were coming out of the bathroom, followed by the new waitress wearing a weird smile like this was some sort of fun game, and finally Big A.

“We’re leaving” the first guy growled, wiping white powder from his hands.
The two men grabbed their smokes and keys from the bar and left. The new waitress kinda hung out by the door.

“What are we gonna do about this” I said to James and Big A.
“Kick her out! I don’t care if she’s staff or not, she was doing coke in the handicap stall with two guys”

He was right.
“Yeah you gotta go”  I said.

“I just went in there to warn them not to do it or they’d get kicked out” she lied.
“Yeah, in a locked stall with two guys?” quipped Big A.

She hung out outside for a bit. Then she decided she needed to talk to someone who was still inside. She started calling to them, trying to get them to come out.

“You need to leave” I said to her. By now that manager had caught wind that the new waitress just got thrown out for blow after her second shift. Hanging out and causing a scene was going to do nothing to keep this girl’s job safe.

“I think you need to leave”
“You need to shut the fuck up” she replied.

Suddenly I didn’t care much what happened to her job.Her friend came out and they talked by the curb. He was telling her she needed to smarten up, and she was arguing about that. Finally the friend went back inside, shaking his head. She came to the door and asked me, as sweet as can be, if she could come in and talk to the manager. 

“No, I don’t think that’s a good idea” I said.

She walked away and smoked angrily with a small group of people. I over heard her say “That fucking asshole wouldn't let me back in” pointing my way. Eventually her friend came out with some buddies and they wandered away from the bar. 

I didn't work the next day but I found out she’d been fired. I suspect she'll show up at the bar with a group of friends next weekend like nothing happened. I don’t think she’s going to find a particularly warm welcome. Oh, and it turns out she'd been hitting on everyone!

Two to Tango

There are two women come into the bar on a regular basis. One of them has a boyfriend who comes in with them from time to time, but he quite often just drops them off at the door at 10 and picks them up at 2. They usually get drunk and dance. By the end of the night they are usually grinding on each other and often making out. It’s all pretty harmless.

The other night they wandered in around 11. One was wearing a long flowey blouse type thing that was just long enough that I couldn’t see her shorts. I jokingly told her she had to wear pants to come in. With that she pulled up shirt to show me her shorts, and everything else up to her shoulders. I just smiled and let her through. Could be a worse start to the night.

About an hour later I was watching all the drunk hillbillies surrounding our two lovely ladies. I noticed one guy dancing behind my flashing friend. She was grinding up against him and he had his arms wrapped around her. Then I realized I couldn’t see one of his hands. That’s because it was nestled firmly between her legs. I started to walk over shaking my head. He saw me and removed the offending digits,  looked a little embarrassed and stumbled away to the bar. She just moved on to the next testosterone vulture waiting nearby, pulling her hot pants out of her crotch.

Later I was at the door and the same drunk hillbilly came out for a smoke. He started rambling away to me about his job and how tough he was, and how much money he makes.  He eventually decided that for some reason I was the shit, and he asked me my name. I gave him my standard bouncer alias. He stuck his hand out and announced himself. I looked at his hand, then at him, then back at his hand and said “Im not touching that, I know where it’s been”

He looked a little hurt at first, then fired up a few neglected brain cells and realized what I was talking about. “Oh…yeah….that’s fair” he said.  He rambled on for about 5 minutes more before going inside again.

About an hour later the bar cut the dynamic duo off, and they left shortly after that; but not before one of them could give me a sweaty damp high five. That’s when I decided I need to start carrying hand sanitizer.  

Blue Hawaii

The night of the Mayweather Pacquiao fight was pretty busy. A buddy and I were working the door when a bunch of guys wearing Hawaiian shirts walked in. Here’s the thing with 6 guys in Hawaiian shirts coming to a bar in Airdrie to watch fights. They’re dicks.  They can’t even help it. I don’t know if it’s the power of the floral print, or the delusion of tropical grandeur, but 6 guys in Hawaiian shirts will always end up being dicks. These dicks were celebrating someone’s 31^st birthday.

After the fights the bar slowed down so we cut 2 of our guys, 1 of whom stayed on to have a beer.  The Hawaii 5-0 crew continued to be dumbasses, picking each other up, picking other people up, doing cartwheels on the dance floor, trying to order 25 shots at a time and just being dicks.

Finally 2am rolled around and birthday boy ran outside for a smoke.  He was pretty pissed off when we wouldn’t let him back in. I went off to talk to the cops about some old guy who got punched out earlier in the evening.  (Apparently he called a young lady a name that the cops wouldn’t repeat to me, and her boyfriend took exception and knocked him out cold in front of a starbucks) As I was giving them my details I saw a fight break out in front of the bar. I ran over to help break it up. 

Some guy was whaling on the birthday boy. I got between them and asked him to stop and he did. Just like that, he turned around and walked away. Birthday boy suddenly grabbed me so I held him down while he freaked out.  His buddy grabbed me from behind so I turned around and shoved him hard into the loving arms of an RCMP officer. Instead of just leaving it be, he started to wrestle with the cop. Genius.

I turned back to my guy just as two of his other buddies came running at me from inside the bar. Our off-duty guy had just finished putting his staff shirt back on in time to yank these guys back before they could lay a hand on me. (Thanks buddy!) Finally the cops came around and grabbed the birthday boy who was still losing his shit. That’s when I saw a can of pepper spray in one of the officers hands, (or at least I thought it was), either way, I was done, I hopped up and let them handle it.

As they cuffed the birthday boy and his buddy, I could see he had a broken nose. The rest of his crew decided to start crowding the cops, telling them what the law was (getting drunk and fighting in front of a bar is not illegal as long as everyone agrees to it), and arresting their buddies was illegal (you can’t arrest a guy for getting drunk and starting fights in front of a bar), and police harassment (a cop shining a flashlight at you is police harassment).  

One dick tried to engage us in a drunken debate as to who owns all the sidewalks (every sidewalk is public property, even if that sidewalk is on private property. Parking lots are also public property, so if you want to stand there threatening people, that’s perfectly legal). We held them back from getting near the cops while they did their thing. Then one of the Pineapple Gang decided that it was ME who started the fight with his buddy. The cop I was talking to earlier just shook his head.

Finally they let one of the douchebags go and threw the birthday boy in the back of a car. We went back to our station in front of the door and watched while the Hawaiian Tropic crew recorded everything on their phones and threatened to call their lawyers. The youngest, most newfie sounding of their crew informed us that he had at least 2 lawyers on speed dial. Of course you do.

The cops told them to get lost or they ‘d get arrested so they walked away; straight towards us. They gathered in front of the door giving us dirty looks for a few seconds before deciding to surround us. I told them to back up and they told me to fuck off. So I shoved two of them back. On guy grabbed my arm so I grabbed him by the head and threw him to the ground, then drove my elbow into his jaw. The other boys pinned the rest of the group up against wall by their throats until the cops came and broke us up again. They eventually staggered off to cabs, announcing that they’d somehow “won” whatever they thought had transpired.  

I found out later what started it all. Birthday boy looked at some guy holding his wife’s purse and called him a fag. Some other, bigger dude, who happened to be standing nearby, told him not to call people names. Birthday boy said, “What the fuck are you gonna do about it”. So bigger dude broke his face.

Anyway, it was far more exciting than the MayPac fight, with much less hugging. And Friday is only 3 days away!!

Mayweather Hugs

The Lady Killers

Its my party, I'll cry if I want to...
I was late getting to work Saturday because I scored tickets to see the Flames wipe out the 'Nucks. Best night at the Dome I can remember since '04. I arrived to find the bar a little busy, lots of new faces. Right away I noticed one of our regulars, standing on a stool, shouting at someone across the bar. Or shouting to no one, just sort of letting herself be heard. Turns out my spikey haired, bleach blonde bar-star was having a birthday. She came by and hugged me and told me it was her 44th. Super.

A bit later one of the boys told me that she'd flashed the bar. Fortunately modesty had prevented her from actually hefting her lady bits from her bra for the world to see. Did I say modesty?  Thanks to a 7 hour liquid diet it was more like the fine motor skills of a fumbling 15 year old boy in the back seat of a car on prom night preventing her jubblies from gracing our presence. But I digress.

Later in the evening she staggered by my station on the dance floor, looked me up and down and sneered, "You? As a bouncer? Pfft." She rolled her eyes dramatically and stumbled to the door. Outside she attempted to body check someone she knew, but missed, lost her balance and smashed her face into the rough concrete of our building, sliding face first down to the sidewalk. Someone helped her up, she wiped away a tear and trucked back into the bar for another savage assault on her liver.

Shortly after that she decided it was time to go home and headed to her car. Our manager and a couple of the boys sweet talked her into a cab that whisked her away into the night.

Georgia Peach
A foursome approached the door. The first girl was wearing a short peach dress. She walked up and confidently showed me her passport. Well...someone's passport, but certainly not her's.  I told her she couldn't come in. As they walked away I heard her say we were "stupid fucking bouncers" and they'd go to another bar. Fine by me. I texted the other bar to let them know an under-aged girl in a peach dress was coming by with someone else's passport. They thanked me for the heads up and assured me she wouldn't be drinking there either. If she had just been nicer to me she might have gotten in and had a fun night.

Fightin' Irish
Some dude was jumping up and down and fell over. I asked if he was ok and he went on a rant that he was jumping up and down because some guy was talking to him. "I see" I said. "Ok, I'll tell the guy to stop talking to you if you promise to stop jumping up and down" He agreed to that.

A short time later, there was a blond girl in a leather skirt and red top on the dance floor. She was dancing and fell down. Then she fell down again. I looked at her friends and said, "Is there someone who can take her home?" They pointed to the guy who fell down from jumping up and down; her husband. Great. So I grabbed him and said "Dude, you need to take her home, she's way too drunk." 

"It's ok she's Irish," he replied. 

"No, not ok she's gotta go." I countered. 

Husband-guy accepted that, on the condition that I tell her that her leaving is my idea. "Sure," I said. We went over and he told her it's time to go, then looks at me. "Yeah, I'm sorry miss, you're gonna have to call it a night," I said, "You're just really drunk and I don't want you to hurt yourself."

She wasn't having it. She looked at her husband and tore a strip off him for always ruining her fun. Again I said, it wasn't him, it was my decision that she leave. As I'm explaining this, the husband just walks away and leaves me to throw out his wife while he looked for another beer. Thanks, dick.

So I helped her to her table, helped her find her boots, and her purse, and her jacket. She started to cry. I told her it was ok. Then she told me she'd kill me with one of her boots. I said ok, she could do that if she wanted. After 10 minutes I got her safely outside and asked if I could get her a cab. She looked at me and screamed "I'm FUCKING IRISH!!"

So I've heard. The husband was nowhere to be found so I went back in and let the boys handle the logistics of getting her home. I saw her and her husband arguing in the parking lot about 10 minutes later. A toast to the happy couple!

Project Run Way
A middle aged woman sat with her friends and got wasted. She's the type who never really drinks anymore, so she has no idea how quickly she'll get drunk after 3 cosmos. She shuffled off to dance, and after a few songs shuffled back to her spot. Her friends decided it was time to leave, but Cosmo couldn't find her jacket. "I'm not leaving without my fucking jacket!" she announced. Before long half the bar is looking for her jacket. It was brand new, she wasn't fucking leaving without it. It was quickly found on a chair by the dance floor where she left it. She snatched it from her friend, slammed down her drink and proceeded to flip off the entire bar, for being treated so poorly I can only assume,  before shuffling out after her friends. 

Three's company

Ok, I wasn't here for this one, but my buddy at the door told me about it so I'll share. There's this knuckle head who comes in. He's a little wiry guy, who's entire life is a "Thug- Life" parody. Unless his hip hop career takes off. Then I'll be eating my words. But until the market for 'angry little white dude's from farming communites who rap about being hard and living large' takes off I think I'm safe. 

He wandered in the other night with 2 buddies and didn't have his ID. It'd been taken away for driving drunk. Good life choices, genius. We know who he is, so he was let in, and warned to behave. A couple of hours later a member of his posse went out to their truck with a girl he'd just met. Before long, the truck starts 'a rockin', leaving little suspicion as to what's happening. 

Shortly after that, our little drunk driver decided he needs to check on his buddy. He wandered over and hopped in the truck. After a minute or two the truck stared rockin' AGAIN. Eventually the rocking stopped and after short intermission, they all hopped out, went back to the bar and resumed drinking. And they say romance is dead! The third guy got thrown out for doing blow in the bathroom. 

So really, an all around good night for everyone. 

Les Miserables

So last night I got called over to the washroom, one of the bouncers is dealing with something. I figure probably two morons doing coke in a stall together. Or blowing each other. I went in and Hoss was standing there. Apparently two guys, somehow, depending on who's story is more credible, managed to break the divider between the urinals. "Fine, you're both leaving"

They argued as I was guiding them out,  but they were going so Hoss went back to his spot. Suddenly the first guy grabbed a beer from somewhere and the second guy bolted for the dance floor. Dave grabbed him and the two of us started to walk him out forcibly. On the way he grabbed a table, and pulled it over, knocking everything to the ground. Well, that was that, we bull rushed him out the door.

Outside, moron 1 still had a beer in his hand. I don't remember this but apparently Dave had his hand on the beer, but I, in a fit of pure genius, grabbed his hand off and pulled the guy away. The guy got all squirelly and started thrashing about. I went to grab him by the head but i missed and caught the string from his hoodie. So I just pulled. The front of his hoodie puckered shut in front of his face. It was pretty funny.

So now he's thrashing about some more so I pushed him over and got on top of him till he calmed down. I so very much wanted to choke him out, but good sense got the better of me.  Eventually he calmed and I pushed him towards a cab.

Then suddenly they started screaming. "Quebec, mother fucker! What the fuck!? Quebec! Yeah, you're so tough, 5 against 2! Quebec!"  I turned around and a couple other bouncers and a few patrons were behind me. Meanwhile the two idiots were screaming and making gang signs. Suddenly, one guy flips me off and screams "Child molester!!!!!!!!" at me. I burst out laughing. So he mooned us, buttoned up and kicked a dent into the back of a cab. Jaques and Pierre then stormed up the street yelling and screaming in their stupid sounding Quebec accents. We laughed and went back to work. I feel like poutine today.